This morning I told you I'd blog at lunch and then I said, "What should I write about?" and WOW with the responses. Whatever with you guys. Oh, we'll just sit here and wait, June, in silence, June, while you do all the work, June. And be funny, June!
Fortunately, Faithful Reader Slutty Pancakes spoke up with an idea: Why not catch us up on all the people I've blogged about in the past, let you know what they're up to? Which is not a bad idea, Pancakes of Slut. Not a bad idea at all. So since I came home and warmed up my leftover taquitos from the other night, then started enjoying me an episode of Gilmore Girls for several fantastic minutes before I was all OH FUCK! I SAID I'D BLOG! I guess I should get started. Because lunchtime's a-wastin'.
Following are some folks I used to blog about with some regularity, who I haven't mentioned in awhile:
The Girl Who Doesn't Get Me: Remember her? I worked with her three jobs ago, and she was efficient, she was smart, she was talented. And she did not find me even remotely funny. Like, she had laryngitis once and as the weekend approached, I said, "Are you still planning to join the yodeling contest this weekend, then?"
"What yodeling contest?" she whispered.
Somehow, her lack of finding me amusing brought out the W.O.R.S.T. in me and made me type letters with periods in them like an asshole.
How's she doing? No idea.
Marvin: I used to be married to Marvin. Four years ago tomorrow marks the anniversary of the part where now I'm not. But for the first five years of this blog, it was all Marvin all the time.
How's he doing? Well, he's in Atlanta now, working as a sound mixer, which is what he used to do in LA before he became a teacher, and I never wanted him to stop sound mixing, as he loved it. Fortunately there's enough going on in Atlanta that he can do it for a living, although you know his cheery attitude. He'd tell us all he's barely eeking out enough to survive and no woman will ever like him because he's too broke and dear women of Atlanta: Get over needing a rich guy and try out Marvin. I could write him a letter of recommendation if you want, and if you don't mind guitars under the bed. I did. But you may not have a problem with chins.
That was only funny if you're into When Harry Met Sally the way I am, which you are not, because you are a regular person.
Dick Whitman: DW was the first person I dated after I got myself all single again, and while it turns out when it comes to romance, we hate each other, we did become good friends. We hung out pretty much every weekend that first year we were both single.
How's he doing? Great. He broke his dang foot recently, but I'm pretty sure that's better. We hardly talk and I was keeping up with him on Facebook but now I have eschewed FB so you probably know more than I do, Stalky. He's been with the same woman for two years now, and she is great.
And his mom still reads me, so check in and let us know how YOU are, DW's mom.
Hulk: My old pal from back home. We made over his wardrobe, we encouraged him, and still no wommins in his life. Dear stupid women in Saginaw, Oh my god give Hulk a chance.
How's he doing? You know. Good other than the lack of the women.
Peg: Next-door neighbor, fmr. Ground zero for the norovirus.
How's she doing? You know, not good. She's had all kinds of health trouble these past few years, and seems to be not improving. The doctors can't figure out what's wrong with her. I ran into some of her friends recently, and they said she's too weak to move her trash can every week. I wish they'd figure it out and we'd get vibrant, puke-causing Peg back to kick around.
Daniel Boone: Second person I dated after I got myself all single. That was a mistake. I mean, I had so much fun with D Boone, and I adored being friends with him, but twice--twice!--he just ghosted out on me. Was my friend one day and disappeared the next. The first time it happened, he returned after about 10 months, and by the time he returned I was dating Ned and was not interested in DB romantically anymore. So I was friends with DB once again, and came to rely on his wisdom and funnyness on a daily basis, and a year later? Boom. Ghost. Four months ago he wrote me trying to rekindle the friendship and I did not reply.
How's he doing? I sincerely hope he's doing well.
Ned & Me: I know. You hear about Ned every day. But a few months back we had a terrible falling out and we broke up. Then we got back together with the caveat we'd do certain hard work to get things better between us.
How're we doing? God, really well. It turns out? A lot of this crap between us was my doing, and a lot of it was also his, and we're both working like demons to fix our stuff and who knew that would actually make a huge difference? The other day we were kibbitzing, and I came back up here to do something or other on the computer, and after awhile he came up here.
"I'm sorry about that thing I said downstairs," he said. "I'm really trying to be more sensitive about that stuff."
"What thing?" I really had no idea.
Turns out he brought up something I used to be really touchy about, but now that things are better between us, I hadn't even noticed. And now that things are better between us he totally been aware he'd brought it up. It's like Gift of the Magi or something. So, encouraged.
I have to go back to work now, and am really looking forward to someone complaining that I didn't fill them in on someone I'd have no idea about, like my neighbors where I don't live anymore, or readers who've disappeared. "Why didn't you tell us how your dead cat is doing, June?"
I have precrank. It's like preheating an oven or something. Precrank.