I've been out doing things all day, and in preparation for my evening, I just put toner on my face, toner that's supposed to clear away dull flakes to uncover skin that's fresh and glowing. Every time I put it on, I look in the mirror hoping to see the skin I had when I was 9, and what I saw today was skin with a teensy bit of toilet paper left on it from when I wiped the toner on myself.
I'm out of cotton balls.
The last bag of cotton balls I had was given to me by Ned, who'd bought a whole bag of them to remove the black nail polish he had on when he dressed as Sid Vicious for Halloween one year, then realized the next day that he had no idea how to remove nail polish, but then somehow figured it out. I also have his nail polish remover.
Do you suppose he Googled it? "How do you remove black nail polish?" The point is, I used up those cotton balls maybe a year ago and have been Charmin-ing it ever since.
But that is not why I gathered you all here today. I gathered you to tell you about going to dinner at Chris and Lilly's last night, a dinner where I may have gotten engaged to one of their dogs. A dog who is clearly over me and our impending nuptuals, but I don't care.
Do you guys remember two years ago, when I was taking care of business every day and also Ned when he had his wisdom teeth removed, and while Ned was convalescing I got an email or call or something from Lilly saying, I just had a freakin' baby, come see me for the 15 minutes they're letting me stay here till they kick us out on the street. Do you remember that? I do. The point is, back then they had this infant and now they have a human who says words.
She came out in her pajamas at 6:30, because apparently she is not a night owl despite her pajamas to the contrary, she said a few inspirational words such as "chicken" and "noisy" and also "kitty," then Lilly told her it was time to go to bed so she grabbed a glass of sherry and a book and we never heard from her again.
Here's why she said "kitty." Ned was obsessed with this cat, who reminded him of NedKitty, and I don't know if I've ever mentioned Ned's deep and abiding love for ridiculous NedKitty. This cat swatted at us, which then reminded ME of NedKitty. She's pretty, though.
Chris and Lilly have two dogs and a cat, even though they live in the country so they could have 72 more pets. You know what C and L are? Reasonable people. I'd be all, MORE ROOM FOR PETS! and head off to the 24-hour kitten store.
We also went fishing, because did I mention they live in the country? They had roosters crowing while we fished, and I kept calling them chickens, just like their kid did, and it occurs to me her life is an actual The Farmer Says toy.
You can imagine how I eagerly dipped my hand right into the bucket o'worms and gleefully put said wriggling worm on my hook. A million dollars you could offer me and still I couldn't touch a worm. Fortunately, I also caught nothing, so I didn't have to worry about touching fish, either.
Ned was a regular Old Man and the Sea, however. He was a regular seaman. He caught two and threw 'em back in. Cause nothing's more humane than dragging something out of its oxygen source via a hook in its mouth, then throwing it back in. We're animal lovers.
We had a good time with Chris and Lilly. We always do. And they made hamburgers that were freaking delicious. They said the secret was to fry them in butter, which if you ask me is the secret to everything. And one of our topping choices was avocado, and if it were legal to mate with an avocado, I would. I would give birth to guacamole. I would give birth to Brad Pitt. I'm done now.
Ned and I can't decide what to do tonight. He proposed grilling something, but here's what happens when Ned suggests we grill at 6:00 at night. We eat at 10:00. That's what happens. So. Then he suggested we walk to the baseball game, which I am only in it for the hot dogs, but there's a chance of thunderstorms tonight. Maybe we should just drive back out to Chris and Lilly's and see if they'll feed us again.
Maybe I should just rub toner on this day and see if it comes back with a more youthful glow. Or a remaining pip of toilet paper. Maybe I should fry this day in butter.