Bye Bye, Pie!

Time Makes You Bolder, Even Puppies Get Older

It is a rainy, gloomy day in Greensboro, which is annoying because we just did 87 hours of yard work and now everything is gonna grow back. Nature. it not just a good idea. It's the law.

One of the first things Marvin did in our back yard was pee, and also put in a fire pit. I do not know if he actually peed back there. He always tells me he and Lula went out and peed. I hope he didn't, but you never know.

At any rate, I thought the fire pit was an annoying idea, especially because I was worried he'd set our Japanese maple on fire. However, last night was a lovely night, and Marvin made a nice fire and we made s'mores, which you know are good. My friend Nadja is from Germany, and she never had s'mores until she came to our house last year for a barbecue.

We were enjoying our treats last night and Marvin must have been thinking of Nadja, because he said, "What do Germans have without s'mores? Just on-time trains."

Our backyard is so cool. It is hard for me not to look around there at all the stuff I want to do to it, but there are so many big trees and consequently birds back there. And last night as I sat by the fire, I could see the moon peeking at me through our giant tree, which we named something clever the other night and now we can't think of what we named it. Katreena or Petri or something. We loved ourselves at the time.

Oh, and I wanted to show you this. Here is Tallulah the day I stole her.

Here she is two and a half months later, or as I like to call it, today:

I don't even know what to tell you about how I have no jawline. I hate it. Also, I just woke up in this shot, and I think I am very brave to put a just-woke-up shot on the Internet.

But look how BIG my girl is getting! She used to be so bite-sized and easy to pick up! Now it was like picking up an albatross. And I don't even really know what an albatross is. It just sounds bulky.

And speaking of today, it was 11 years ago today that Marvin Gardensalad proposed to me on a ferris wheel in Santa Monica. It was similarly Mother's Day, and after we got off the ferris wheel we rushed to a pay phone -- because in 1997 we didn't all have cell phones -- and do you think we could get ahold of either of our mothers? Where on earth WERE they? Shouldn't they have been waiting by the phone for a "Happy Mother's Day" call anyway?

The first person we got ahold of was my father. Which was nice, but it wasn't Father's Day.

I put this up last year, too. But here is me just having been proposed to. I was so hung over that day. So much so that I decided acid wash was a good idea.

Actually, that was Marvin's jacket. It was cold up there over the Pacific Ocean. And I agreed to marry him anyway, despite his denim choices.

Anyway, that's all the reminiscing and news. Happy Mother's Day, all you muthas.

(Oh! And thanks for your drink suggestions, but Marvin lucked out and got to meet the guy for breakfast, so luckily ordering any sort of drink would have looked questionable at best. He got pancakes. Manly pancakes.)

I kind of just wanted to say "Schipperkee"

Four hundred and fifty dollars later, Tallulah is home from the vet.

You know, I stole this dog for free. I can only imagine people who spent eleventy billion dollars on that purebred Schipperkee or whatever, and then they have to go out and get bowls and flea meds and neutering and all the crap I had to get on TOP of  the eleventy billion.

Man.

Anyway, she is home and she is subdued but appears relatively unscathed from her womanhood being torn from her in such a barbaric fashion.

Speaking of which, one of Marvin's students made me a Mother's Day card, which I think is kind of nice. Either she assumes everyone who is over 15 is a mom, or she somehow knows I am cat and dog mom.

Oh, and that reminds me. My friend Coffeegal has a baby bird from the nest on her porch, and she has another on the way. Guess what the next baby's name is? June! I am tickled to death. You know how I am about birds.

And yes, we did have a tornado here in Greensboro last night, which I slept through even though it touched down and someone died and everything. I guess I am a heavy sleeper. At any rate, I saw all the warnings and such on the TV, there, but folks, I grew up in Michigan where there is a tornado every 15 minutes. So I wasn't too concerned.

But you know what did worry me? The baby geese at my work. You don't know how I wanted to drive over and put them all in the car, which I'm sure would not have resulted in my soft spot being pecked off by mama goose or anything.

It turns out the tornado didn't even come near my work, although I did not see those babies all day. The grown-up pecky geese, however, were around and flying a lot. I do not know why. I do not know from geese habits.

But while we're talking about work, there is a woman at work who DOES NOT GET ME. At all.

She has been having terrible allergy problems, and at this point she is pretty much hoarse. She can barely croak out a syllable. So today I asked her, "So. You going to that yodeling contest this weekend?"

She said, "No. Why?"

Sigh.

So then I had to explain how I was KIDDING, because she is HOARSE and would not WIN a yodeling contest even remotely.

That was first thing this morning. As she creaked along with no voice whatsoever, at the end of the day I said, "Okay, have a good weekend. Enjoy the karaoke bar."

Again, she looked at me blankly.

I really should just sit in my office and not speak.

What can brown carpet do for you?

There is an artist who lives next door to me. Her name was not formerly Prince. She is so cool. She showed me her front porch (which is not a euphemism for her bosoms), as she painted her concrete and I want to also do that in our sun room.

Does anyone else know how to prepare and paint concrete? I want to make it a pale green, I think. Currently there is the world's worst brown carpet in there. I guess it is redundant to say "world's worst brown carpet."

Also, Marvin is in trouble, dawg. He is coming to Greensboro this weekend to meet with his new boss. Did I ever mention that Marvin got a teaching job here in about seven seconds? He will be a science teacher next year. Still teaching fifth grade.

Anyway, his new principal, who is a man, wants to meet him for a drink this weekend.

You may remember that Marvin is the girliest drinker ever. His drink choices are usually daiquiris or cosmos. His new boss will be buying him a skirt by the end of the night.

I have sat here for hours on end, or at least minutes on end, trying to think of what he could order that would be remotely respectable. I wish he would just order a whiskey and soda and drink it anyway. But Marvin does not like bubbles.

I think he should just order water and look like a teetotaler.

And in case anyone was worried sick, Lula came through her surgery okay. We get her tomorrow night. It will be TWO WEEKS before she can go to the dog park! Dang!

Also, I had them do the DNA test on her. Marvin Gardens, you ARE the father. We find out that she is half chihuahua/half wolf in about two weeks.

It seems like I wanted to tell you something else, too. Crap. I will think of it as soon as I hit save.

Aliens, Timbertoes, David Spade

Well, okay, I guess I'll post every day, then.

Honest, you guys, I wasn't fishing for compliments, but thanks so much for all your nice words! I just didn't want to be all, ugh, too much to read on this site.

But y'all raised a good point. How the heck HAVE I lost weight while eating the crap I eat? I guess it's the running, but man. Imagine if I were eating well. I would look like Mrs. Timbertoes.

Does anyone else remember the Timbertoes from Highlights magazine?

Actually, she looks a little hippy in this picture, but I think her dress doesn't do her justice. Or maybe she's bloated from that picnic. Normally she's stick thin. Get it? Timbertoes? Stick? I am hilarious.

What's up with Mr. T's ensemble? Did someone lose in the feces throw, or was he shot multiple times with a cannon?

Anyway, it is 8:00 at night, and in two hours I have to put away Tallulah's food and water, so she is all set for her big David Spade moment tomorrow. My poor girl. She will be gone all night, and I pick her up Friday afternoon. It's gonna be weird here without her. She is my roommate. Who's gonna borrow my clothes and eat the yogurt behind my back?

I have not called my new dog park friend yet; I didn't want to seem too eager. I am playing it cool. I'll probably drunk dial her at 2 a.m.

Okay, I have to go proofread some more. I got home and there was ANOTHER proofing job on my doorstep, along with a package from my father. He was in Roswell, New Mexico, so naturally he picked me up an alien head coffee mug, which I am totally taking to work as my work mug. Cause I gotta be the weird coworker, remember?

I have become Larry King

I just have so many things to tell you, one of which involves me losing my pants.

First of all, I have proofreading out my arse, which I know might result in me losing my pants, what with all that paper crammed back there, but that is not what I am referring to in the above paragraph.

There is one company that I am still freelancing for, only because they have been good to me and they pay a lot and I don't want to lose them, as I have done with my pants.

Do you wish I'd get over my pants already?

Anyway, they sent me a catalog, so each day after work I have been rushing home to proofread for an hour, then I take Lula to the dog park, then I come home and proof some more. All before going to bed so I can proofread at my actual job.

Fun!

So if I miss a day or two blogging, please forgive. Actually, do you wish I'd post less often? Sometimes people say to me that they have to catch up on my blog, which makes me feel like there is too much to read. Do tell.

In more news, I made a new friend today, at said dog park. My new friend, who I will call Echo's Mom, has three big dogs and an Australian husband. Actually, she has an Australian shepherd, too. Maybe she is obsessed with Australia. This could explain the koala bear hooked to her back.

So, we exchanged numbers at the park (she has an iPhone. Hello.) and we are going to have dinner and get the dogs together and perhaps throw a boomerang. I am excited to have made a friend in Greensboro.

Also, Tallulah is getting fixed on Thursday. She will be a barren woman. She told me she wants to concentrate on her career, while still being able to slut around freely. I am down with that.

Plus not to mention too, there are now TWELVE geese babies at my work. Did I mention to you that there are geese at my work? Today the mom and dad let me and my walking friends walk right past them and we didn't get hissed at or wing flapped at or anything. Oh, if they knew how badly I want to kiss their babies.

In fact, one of my walking friends sent an email to us today saying she wouldn't be walking at the 3 o'clock break because she had a doctor's appointment. She told us to say hi to the geese for her. I wrote back and said, "If you come to work tomorrow and my eyes are pecked out, you'll know I granted your wish."

Everyone else sent her an email saying good luck at the doctor and we'll miss you on the walk.

Why I always gotta be the weird coworker?

Okay, so finally, I have to tell you that my PANTS were falling OFF all DAY. I am telling you, they are really loose. It is so exciting! I even tried to run with Lula a little today and I couldn't because I had a Stumblebum thing going on with my pants.

I totally need Mork from Ork suspenders. Shazbat!

A Thousand Calories Burned. Barely a Dent in that Church Picnic Consumption.

Today I ran 6.5 miles! Wooooooooooooooooooooooo! I am strong. I am invincible. I am red-faced.

All weekend in Tiny Town, I kept telling Marvin I needed to go on the treadmill and do my 6.5. Then I kept not doing it.

Today we went to Rogation Sunday, which is an event held by the church I secretaried at. Do you like my new word?

Rogation Sunday is held at the sister church, which is way in the country -- again as opposed to the teeming metropolis that is Tiny Town. The church in Even Teenier Town is really cool; I had never been in it before, even though I made their bulletins all the time. It is simple, with wood floors and really beautiful old stained-glass windows. Oh, I liked it so.

We had it there because part of what we did was go into the fields and the rector blessed the soil and the plants and the animals and the farmers. It was basically a springtime thing. During the whole outdoor blessing part, a neighboring dog barked incessantly at us. I think he was wanting to make sure we blessed his annoying butt too, as he knew what direction he was headed otherwise.

After, there was a picnic behind the church. One of the women asked what I brought, knowing of course that I had brought nothing, thanks to my fine cooking skills. Everyone in Tiny Town gets a big charge out of the fact that I'm not a real girl.

Anyway, it was fun to see everyone again. They were all milling around outside the church when we ambled up, and someone said, "Welcome to REALLY Tiny Town." No kidding. It is one of those places that has a church and a gas station and then you are done with that town.

I am downright gleeful about telling you that the bulletin was RIDDLED, riddled with errors. I kept saying, "See? It really IS hard to make this dang bulletin!" The poor new girl. I feel her pain. I also laugh at it a little.

So, I am not even going to list for you what I ate today because it is too numerous to mention. Imagine a church picnic. Imagine a church picnic in the South. Imagine a church picnic in the South with women who have cooked good stuff their whole lives and do not give two hoots about cholesterol.

That pretty much tells you what I ate today. Every single bad Southern thing you can eat? I ate.

And that is why I went back home and ran the 6.5 miles. I did it in a blistering 14-minute mile, which considering I had 75 pounds of potato salad and ribs in me and it was 80 degrees is pretty good. Winston slept in a box of blankets right next to me the whole time. Which, thanks for the support and also, aren't you HOT as BLAZES with your fur coat and the blankets and the hot weather?

Whatever. So how was your weekend?

My blood count's got a certain Wessonality

Here's what I forgot already. I forgot there is NOTHING to do in Tiny Town. I mean, there are only so many times in a weekend you can...you know...with someone you've been married to for 10 years. Now, 10 years ago? We'd have been all set for weekend plans, if you know what I mean. Now? We're like, is Cheaters on, or anything?

I came to our second home, our home in the country, as it were, to discover a lovely dead SNAKE on our DOORSTEP. Now, it was a baby, but still. And it is copper-colored, which of course makes me think it's a copperhead, which just oooks me the F out. Oh, you should have seen me flap my hands and get sweaty when I saw that thing.

And it is a BABY, but it is like 250 feet long. Seriously, copper snakey snake is not short. Blech.

Other than oooky snakes, our yard is so pretty! It is all covered in roses and some sort of pretty white bloomy thing on the trees near the roses, so it's all Snow White and Rose Red here. And in the front is some sort of pretty purple flower everywhere.

Should I write for a gardening magazine, or what? "When to Plant Your Purple-Looking Flowers" by June Cutoff Gardens.

So, so far we took Tallulah on two walks, and she was pleased to see her friend Mollie, a dog we used to always see on our walks who is a Shitzu or a Pekingese or something smallish. She is very sweet and they were so happy to be reunited and it feels so good. That Mollie has never met a stranger, as they say here.

Plus, as we walked, lots of people were on their porches and I was happy to wave at people again. I love the waving-is-a-must thing here in Tiny Town. I'll never forget my first week here, and some teenage kid who looked like a hooligan to me because all teenagers look like hooligans now because I am 700 years old, totally WAVED at me as he walked by. I was just so touched. I didn't know people wave at each other before they murder each other here. They probably waved at all the Yankees during the Civil War, too. Before they shot cannons at them and such.

On the drive here I almost killed a turtle, but I am happy to tell you my car went over him, but not my wheels. I know this because of course I checked, because if I had killed a turtle I'd have turned myself into the police department and flogged myself with electric cords or something.

Anyway, here's what I ate today. It is again not so good.

Black coffee, 9 gallons.

Leftover steak, broccoli and mashed potatoes from yesterday.

Arby's roast beef sandwich, because Marvin had a coupon.

Arby's jalapeno poppers, see above.

Arby's jamoca shake. Ditto.

I wanted the chocolate turnover but Marvin reminded me I had to tell y'all what I ate, so I abstained. Because one can be so proud of the other things I ate.

Pomegranate cranberry juice and some Cheeze-Its, and Lula begrudged me every bite and similarly, so did Winston, thereby ruining my Cheese-It moment.

I think that's all. Crisco called. Wants it fat content back.

Today. A day that mattered.

Today was a dumb day.

First of all, I have this new sweater I bought for my new job. It is pink -- quel surprise -- and it ties at the waist.

When I put it on today, I realized that it gaped in the front. So I had to wear a tshirt under it and tie it in the back. Like I was a wind-up toy, or Sugarplum. Does anyone else remember the book Sugarplum?

Then when I got to work, I had this really hard document I was editing. It was about a topic I am clueless about to the Nth degree. So I spent all morning researching the topic and looking up every word I didn't understand, and then I edited the pee out of it and accidentally clicked the X at the top of the page and lost it.

The whole thing. Gone.

I called the help desk at work and I was screwed. They got a big kick out of it, tho.

Oh, how I hated everything. I sat in my chair, and bent over to relax my neck, and I got pink lipstick all over my new sweater. The one that gaps.

Then, when I got back from lunch, I had a panicked moment where I thought maybe the thing I edited YESTERDAY didn't get emailed to the right person. I had no memory of emailing it to the guy. I was just searching my Sent mail when the phone rang and it was the very important guy. "Oh, hi," I said, trying to sound like I knew what I was doing. "I was just about to email you that article I edited."

Silence.

"You sent it to me yesterday," very important person said.

Crap.

After I re-did that entire article I lost this morning, as opposed to the article I did yesterday and forgot I emailed, I sent it to my boss and of course it had two errors in it that I should have caught and that I DID catch the FIRST time I edited the stupid thing. And right there was a pretty sentence.

Then I decided to escape to the bathroom, where I promptly dipped my Sugarplum ties into the toilet.

Have I mentioned I hate everything?

So when I got home, I called Marvin and told him I am coming to Tiny Town tomorrow. The last thing I wanted to do was drive 100 miles. He was fine with it. I think it gives him an extra night to bang the English teacher or whoever. Oh, wait, he's the English teacher. That's sad.

The only good thing to happen today was that when I got home, the person who used to own this house came over. She had a photo from the '50s of this house when it was new, and all the trees in front were tiny. She also told me all about how the house used to look before she revamped it, and then we went into the yard and she showed me what was a weed and what would grow where and all that. It was so exciting!

I don't even know if it's legal to come to the house you used to own. I don't care.

Anyway, here's what I ate. Not good.

Black coffee, 75 pots.

The last of the free coffee cake from work. Nice. I washed the knife and threw away the container. Cause I'm a team player that way.

A pork chop sandwich. Really. Hello, South.

A Dr Pepper. Again.

New York Strip steak from Outback's to-go menu.

Broccoli. She's choppin' broccoliiiii. She's choppin' broccolaaaaaayy.

Mashed potatoes.

Several bugs or pollen on my walk with Lula. She and I both hacked the whole way. We are sexy.

So next time I write, I'll be back in T Town. With T dog. And teed off cats. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Lula and Hardee's

I was all comfy-umfy in my leopard pajamas when I remembered it was May 1 and I have to do my measurements today. Crap. You'll be thrilled to hear that I did remember to bring a tape measure with me in this otherwise spartan household.

So, my weight went down three pounds, I think (click on Progress a la Mode. I can't remember exactly. It's down, though, to 142), and I have lost inches in my hootie-hoots. Okay, thanks. Don't give me a smaller arse or anything. That's just what I want. Smaller hootie-hoots.

Oh, how my hippie parents are looking back sadly to the days they taught me to refer to my body parts by their real technical terms, and I am over here saying hootie-hoots to the world.

Peace out, mom and dad. I am free to be Me and Me. I still respect my body and know all about bad touching.

Speaking of which, Lula and I just spent an hour and 15 minutes sniffing the butt of everybody at the dog park. You guys, she is doing so much better at not being horrified of other dogs. She even took a stick from a full-grown Lab! She had a great time with a giant Schnauzer and other similarly big dogs.

There was a bloodhound puppy there who was the same age as Lula. Let's talk about that behemoth. His eyelash was the size of Tallulah. His paws were bigger than my hootie-hoots.

I just wanted to say hootie-hoots again.

Also today, I finally got some feedback on some editing I did at my new job. I have barely done any work at my new job. They really prepare you thoroughly before they give you anything, so I have shadowed people, I have looked at old work, I have read every pamphlet and catalog and ad and website we put out in the world. Trust me, I have researched the dang job.

So then when they finally said, here, edit something, I was secretly, what? I can't do this! I have no idea how to edit anything!

I do this every time. Also, I panic because I think I am going to forget all the rules of grammar. And you know what? I do forget them. I read a sentence and know it sounds stupid, but I don't go, "My, what terrible use of passive voice. And that participle! Man!" Instead I just kind of instinctively fix things.

At any rate, after being on pins and also other pins all day, my boss said, "You did a marvelous job on that [insert what I do here] article today."

Why do we always feel like imposters when we aren't? I am so afraid I am going to be found out as someone who doesn't know what they're doing, and yet I know I DO know what I'm doing.

It's stupid.

Anyway, I like everyone's idea that I don't do anything healthy this month, but what I have decided to do is tell you everything I eat every day. Because that should be humiliating and maybe will make me healthier.

So, today.

Black coffee. Seventy cups.

An Oatmeal-to-Go thing. It's like a cookie, but you tell yourself it's oatmeal.

Coffee cake that was free at work. Free to be coffee and cake.

Peanut butter (creamy) and jelly (grape) sandwich on whole wheat.

Cup of canned peaches (packed in juice).

Wheat Thins.

Bacon cheese fries from Hardee's. Yes, really. Nutritious and filling. You got your vegetable, your dairy, your meat.

Small cheeseburger from Hardee's, which I ate half of cause those fries were delish and filled me right up.

Dr Pepper. Cause I love me the Dr. And did you know Dr Pepper doesn't have a period after "Dr"?

A banana.

That is all. I'd say that's enough. Exercise? Two 15-minute brisk walks at my work breaks, and a really brisk walk/pull through the woods with Lula, maybe 12 minutes total.

I hope you all had a good May 1. Today is Barry Gibb's dog Barnabus' birthday.

And yes, I understand that I am pathetic.

Health, schmealth

Today, Tallulah slept on top of a Weimaraner puppy, which you have to admit sounds kind of fun. They told me this today when I came to get her from dog day care.

I am pleased she has made a friend her own age, although I should note that neither of them are fixed yet and I hope I do not have a passel of brats in nine months or however long dogs gestate. Although half-Weimaraner/half-Labs would be pretty cute. Still.

Apparently, Lula is now old enough to get fixed, at five months. Who knew she'd be sluttin' around this early?

In other news, why didn't anyone tell me that once you buy a house they send you 9 million pieces of junk mail a day? Ooo, I'll bet they're mad we haven't hooked up a phone here yet.

I just spent 80 billion dollars buying a home. Why would you think I'd now be in the mood to buy life insurance? Again, like the spam. Who is BUYING these things?

So, tomorrow is May, which means it will be time for me to weigh my bad self and take my measurements anew. I have not planned any new health activity for May, since I have been so bad at doing any of the activities I had set up for February or March. Or April. Did I even think of a health activity for April? Is buying a house, starting a job, moving to a new city and living apart from one's spouse a health activity? Cause if so I am SET.

So, anyone have any ideas? Should I try mediation again? Yoga? Green tea? What? Tell me.