Bye Bye, Pie!

Health, schmealth

Today, Tallulah slept on top of a Weimaraner puppy, which you have to admit sounds kind of fun. They told me this today when I came to get her from dog day care.

I am pleased she has made a friend her own age, although I should note that neither of them are fixed yet and I hope I do not have a passel of brats in nine months or however long dogs gestate. Although half-Weimaraner/half-Labs would be pretty cute. Still.

Apparently, Lula is now old enough to get fixed, at five months. Who knew she'd be sluttin' around this early?

In other news, why didn't anyone tell me that once you buy a house they send you 9 million pieces of junk mail a day? Ooo, I'll bet they're mad we haven't hooked up a phone here yet.

I just spent 80 billion dollars buying a home. Why would you think I'd now be in the mood to buy life insurance? Again, like the spam. Who is BUYING these things?

So, tomorrow is May, which means it will be time for me to weigh my bad self and take my measurements anew. I have not planned any new health activity for May, since I have been so bad at doing any of the activities I had set up for February or March. Or April. Did I even think of a health activity for April? Is buying a house, starting a job, moving to a new city and living apart from one's spouse a health activity? Cause if so I am SET.

So, anyone have any ideas? Should I try mediation again? Yoga? Green tea? What? Tell me.

Business Casual in the Front, Party in the Back

I wonder how many times a day I say, "What are ya chewin'?" Really, having a dog is a whole 'nother life.

I am home from work, typing you in my work clothes. My business casual attire. I am wearing gray pants and a black ribbed turtleneck because it was like 17 degrees today. Okay, it was 50, but still.

It seemed like every woman at work similarly had on gray pants and a black shirt today. It was that kind of day.

At 10:00 and 3:00, I have been walking with these two other people from my department. I work on a large piece of land, and there are several buildings that belong to us. So as we walk, the other people taking breaks all wave to us as we go by. Those people are generally out smoking. It is like they get to watch a little health parade twice a day. "Here come the healthy people. Puuuuuuhhhhhh."

The "puuuuhhhh" was supposed to be smoke blowing. Did you like that? Did you like my onomatopoeia?

This reminds me of when my friend Sleeping Beauty and I were in college. There was a ridiculous workout video called The Firm, and could it have been any harder to do? And do I still know the whole tape by heart to this day? "Welcome to The Firm. Beginners? Don't. Use. Weights. Are you ready to break a good sweat? Inhale deeply, relevé..."

Anyway, needless to say I used to be obsessed with it, so much so that I BROUGHT the stupid tape over to SLEEPING BEAUTY's so we could do it together. So there we were, breaking a good sweat and relevé-ing, while her roommate smoked on the couch and told us how stupid we were.

Who's stupid NOW, Aqua Lung?

Actually, me, because that tape ruined my knees FOR LIFE.

In other pressing news, Tallulah had her first day with a dog walker. She just was not liking dog day care, although I am still dragging her blond arse there once a week, just to try to get her over her repulsion to other dogs. I guess she is more of a cat person.

At any rate, the dog walker left me a nice note letting me know what came out of Lula today, and also an itinerary of where they walked. In case I had spies out looking. Lula seemed pretty happy when I came home, although I have to tell you, Exhausted Tallulah Who Comes Home From Day Care is kind of a relief. It's less like I have a dog to deal with and more like I have a tomato. Or maybe a sock. She is just so TIRED after day care. But I am not certain it is a good kind of tired.

I guess that's all my news. I am going back to Tiny Town this weekend, as I miss my cats so much I could spit. I was gardening this past weekend, and I was thinking how if I had my cats, one of them would have sauntered up to me all sleepily, the sun in his eyes, and roll roll rolled in the dirt I was digging.

I'm with Lula. Cats rock.

Jack, Rose, Ziggy

We have a veeedeo camera on our computer! When I got home tonight, Marvin had made me a little movie and it was all set up here. Oh, get your mind out your shorts. Not THAT kind of movie. If so, I'd have totally posted it here. I wonder if I can post videos on this blog? Oh, how cool. I am so glad our computer completely crashed and we had to spend 47 thousand dollars on a new one.

What if my computer would've broken last year, during my no-spending blog? Would I have just not continued to blog?

Oh. And I wrote "veedeo" because that is how my grandmother used to pronounce "video." I have no idea why. But now after all these years of poking fun at her, I can't say it the right way anymore. I also have made fun of someone for saying "big bone-ded" for so many years that I can no longer say big boned, either.

Speaking of which, in my usual 800,000 spams today, someone wanted me to buy their product so I would have "a Titanic member." Now, I understand the Titanic was big, and certainly I want a very large member, but do they realize the Titanic also...sank? I mean, it sank dramatically. Is this really what I want for my "ship"? Do I want Rose and Jack desperately clinging to life and all that?

Who makes MONEY from those spams, is what I want to know. Does anyone really buy these things?

And by the way, does anyone think I went out and ran yesterday? It rained dogs and dogs all day. I am so behind on the running.

In fact, I had better go because it has been raining peacocks and guinea hens (what does raining cats and dogs mean, anyway?) all day, and I have to slip in a Tallulah walk while it is merely gloomy. We will be walking with clouds over our heads like we're Ziggy.

In closing, in conclusion (did you ever have to write a speech for high school? Why did we always write, "In conclusion"? What a phony thing to say) Rue was nice enough to give me a creativity award today. I never think of myself as creative because I don't know how to scrapbook. Is that sort of a narrow idea of what constitutes creativity? Am I uncreative because the only example of creativity I have is scrapbooking? Is my award going to be revoked?

Anyway, thank you, Rue. Now YOUR site is creative. It's pretty, I like the music, and I had peanut butter and jelly for lunch today. But I can't even shear pinkingly.

Yes, Anthony, this is a health blog. Every month or so.

It is Sunday morning and I am in my cherry pajamas, which kind of match my blog design, thereby making me completely loser-licious.

Today, according to my running schedule, I have to run six miles. Fortunately I now have a computer again, so I can find a track. This is a college town, after all, so maybe I could go run with the college kids. I'm sure that won't be humiliating, although I will probably be the only runner who didn't ingest a keg last night, so.

Once in college we bought green keg beer because it was deeply discounted, seeing as it was the week after St. Patrick's Day. Did we think we'd scored a deal! Man! "Dude, this week-old green beer was $12! For the KEG!" Suze Orman highly recommends this technique.

I remember drinking beer till dawn:30, sleeping an hour and a half, going to Denny's for a Grand Slam, then going to the gym like it was normal. I also recall that I weighed 122. I hate everything.

People keep saying I should take Tallulah running with me, but you can't run a puppy because it ruins their hips or something. I do not know how this could be true, considering she will run in the back yard till her tongue falls off, but I am not going to chance it.

We went to the dog park yesterday, which are in the middle of these cool woods here. You have to walk past a duck and goose preserve to get to the dog park, and you can imagine how simple that is with a Lab puppy in tow. Walk, walk, walk, STOP. POINT! POINT! STARE! STAND REALLY STIFFLY!Okay. Walk, walk, STOP! Sniff high in the air! Point! Point! POINNNNNT!

All the Jack Russels and poodles just cruise on by, excited to get to the dog park, but not the Pointer Sister, over here.

At any rate, there was a mean dog there. He was on a leash, and he didn't come in, but he was so scary. He was snarling and showing his teeth and barking like a wild man. Everyone in the park was appalled, and kept saying things to the tiny woman trying to hold this dog back.

I am sorry to tell you that out of all the mastiffs, German shepherds and full-grown Labs in the dog park, it was Lula who went up to the fence and said, "BARK!" at the insane, mean dog.

This is not good. I am pleased she asserted herself, but sometimes one needs to remain under the radar. At any rate, we waited till Cujo was long gone before we exited.

Marvin had to buy a lawn mower yesterday. We have never had to care for a lawn before, so we never had a lawn mower. And did he come back with one of those old-fashioned push mowers, the kind with no electricity or whatever?

Grandpa called. Said even he hasn't used one of those since 1950.

I have to tell you a habit of Marvin's. He always buys the cheapest thing possible, gets disappointed with the results, then goes out and buys something normal, thereby increasing the price of everything by about a third.

So he went out early this morning to "mow" the lawn. It was kind of like he was someone on The Flintstones, using some prehistoric tool with an animal attached to it. I kept expecting his "lawn mower" to make a wisecrack, and for the background to be the same over and over again.

Two hours later, he came in looking like a tomato, and said, "Okay, I'm getting a real lawn mower this week." He said a lot of hot-looking women with baby strollers came by and said how manly he was pushing that thing, and he told them all he was saving the environment. Mmm-hmmm. Now next week he will look like a wimpy eco-terrorist.

Also, I keep forgetting to tell you -- and perhaps I "forgot" because I HAD NO COMPUTER -- that I was so traumatized this week that I didn't eat for several days. They took me out to lunch on my first day and they must think I have an eating disorder. I literally took two bites of soup and was done. This is just how I stress.

So I have lost about five pounds, which will come back on immediately. I am, however, bringing my lunch to work to save calories and money, and also there is a good salad bar at a grocery store nearby, so if I forget lunch I am set. It's easier to get to that store than it is to go to the 110 fast food places, so that's good.

I have to go clean the house for the dog walker's visit. This means putting the empty cardboard boxes in neat order.

Smell ya.

Back in a Black Mood

Job called. Wants his problems back.

You guys, SERIOUSLY. We just went out, at eight o'clock at night, and bought a BRAND NEW computer, which by the way is NOT pink, and STILL we can't get that one to work. Do not even ask me what the problem is, as Marvin is back to speaking in Fs and I have always thought computers were a fad. Which is what I also thought about rap.

I am typing you on Marvin's work computer, so if you work for the Board of Education, please do not fire Marvin. This is an emergency.

I have not been able to check email for six days. I went to my orientation where they said the Internet is for work only and I really didn't think flouting that in week one was a pretty idea, which one of you also mentioned.

Oh, it was dreadful. How did I live the first 27 years of my life with no email? And no blogs?

It was only last night that I heard the shocking news about Star Jones' divorce. I do not like being cut off from the national news in this fashion. And does anyone think he's going to meet a nice girl soon? Was there ANYONE on this earth who did not know that man was gay as a goose from the get-go OTHER than poor Star Jones?

Star Jones. There's being a name.

You have no idea how much I wanted to log onto iGoogle all week at work. Oh, the good and evil on my shoulders. Goofus and Gallant in my brain. "Do it!"  "No, don't do it!" "Who cares if I get fired?" "You will, once you're actually fired!" "I can be famous for being fired, like Dooce!"

And so on.

And Mary Ellen from Napa, you need to put down the tin foil. And perhaps the ganga. I promise I have not been kidnapped in any way. I have just been here, trying not to do the nervous talking thing when I meet new people at work. I already asked one coworker when he was going to invite me over to see his new house, and he has avoided me ever since.

Tallulah does NOT like doggie day care. She keeps trembling once we get there. When I come back at the end of the day, she is sort of better, but the whole point was to make her happy, not sort of better, which is kind of what my parents thought about camp and I shook through that, too.

So tomorrow this woman is coming who is a professional dog walker. She is coming to do an intake and observe Lula's aura or something. I'm still gonna try dog day care on Wednesdays to see if she warms up to it, and we will continue to do the dog park, which I haven't even TOLD you about because I have been Internetless and living like the Little Match Girl, over here.

Have I mentioned it's been dreadful?

Also, I have had no phone book, which makes sense since I have no phone here, either. And did I mention there was no cable, as well? Did I mention I have clipped this dog's nails, taught her to "leave it," brushed her, bathed her and tied a bow to her leash this week? She is like one of those giant Barbie heads you could put makeup on, except for the part where she's got the rest of her dog body and is not partial to french braids.

At any rate, I am sort of back. I am assuming Marvin will get the DING DANG real computer,  which we just spent eleven million dollars on, up and running. Otherwise I am getting my church job back so I can blog.

Thanks to all of you for checking in and for coming up with conspiracy theories. I read all my emails and giggled and laughed and cavorted and carried on.

Thank goodness for the Internet.

Broke Computer Mountain

Oh for the love of lettuce.  I've never been so glad to be inside anyone's computer.

Our stupid computer is completely broken.  We have to buy a new one.  I'm in my car, driving home from work, dictating to the Gardensalad. 

I know since we last spoke we bought a house, started a new job, Tallulah stared day care, and Marvin and I live apart.  But what you must know is that a cat got stuck on my roof the other night.  He didn't just get stuck on my roof, he got stuck in the rain.  The fact that I'm talking to you is a miracle, because I tried everything on earth to save that cat.

I stood on a rickety chair in the wet mud, I tried to scale the side of the house like Spiderman, and I even took a giant heavy door to try to make a plank for the cat.  Finally I decided I should see if he could get down on his own, and ten seconds later, he did.

Tallulah and I had a couple of difficult days.  As soon as she got to doggie daycare, she shivered and peed on the floor.  Then when I got to work, I basically did the same thing.  But we seem to be adjusting, and tomorrow is casual Friday, so she and I will both wear jeans.

So keep in mind I can't read any of your comments.  My mother-in-law read me back the last 2o comments; shout-out to the mother-in-law!

I hope you are all doing well, and the Coffee Gal is getting her coffee, and the Nester is getting her nest on, and so forth.

Any mistakes in this blog are Marvin's fault.

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties (Please Stand By)

Marvin Gardenburger here.  We were trying to get the computer set up in our new place and it crashed hard!  I won't be able to get it going 'til Wedsnesday at the earliest.   Wish June good luck on her new job, and we will up and running again in a couple days.

Fences and other F words

Marvin "Could I be any crankier" Gardensalad put up the rest of the fence today, so Lula could have free reign. She and I came back from a walk, where we met three small children who want to put a bow in her hair next time, and Marvin said, "She can go."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

It took her a minute to realize she was attached to nothing. And then...

She was ridiculous.

She ran like that for about 20 minutes, then came inside and drank water for 107. Now she is fast asleep at my feet.

Anyway, obviously I found the camera, so here is Mr. Good Mood himself. He is having trouble installing the washer. I have heard the "F" word so many times today that I keep thinking Ozzy is in there with him.

I am going to need people's help re this yard. I have never had to take care of a yard in my life. How do you know what's a weed and what isn't? How do you take care of monkey grass? There are bare patches in the lawn; how do you plant grass?

I will go out and photograph all the foliage as soon as I can, then I need tips on what everything is and how to care for it.

Here is the neighbor's tree, which is on our driveway. Isn't it BEAUTIFUL how it is pink and also white? It's like the acrylic nail tip of trees.

Do you like how we've decorated the dining room? Nothing says elegant like an ironing board and a clothes hamper. Through the door is Marvin, fixing the washer, throwing out the Fs.

At least someone is upbeat.

Well, we're movin' on up.

I am here in our new computer room, which is off our kitchen, which by the way Lilliput called. They want their kitchen back.

Okay, I knew our new kitchen was small, and what did I care since all I ever make in the kitchen is coffee and haste. But MAN, is it small. The microwave will NOT fit in there. And I will take pictures when I find the camera. Trust me, I will have to use a telephoto lens to find the kitchen. Perhaps I will need one of those Hubble telescopes to locate it. Is there more than one Hubble telescope? Probably not.

Anyway, it is the end of the day and Tallulah is passed out and so is Marvin. I am in my sock monkey pajamas writing to you.

This house is so cute! I forgot how cute it is. And birds? Our yard is SICK with birds. I will have to bell Winston when he gets here. Some friends from Tiny Town gave us a cute bird house as a going-away gift, and I put it into one of our 750,000 trees and I swear I already saw a bird checking it out. Calling his wife on his bird cell phone.

What cell phone company do you think birds use? AT&Tweet? They probably just look for the cheepest rate. BAH!

I am funny even in Greensboro.

And let's talk about how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE ding-dang Greensboro. I already went to Harris Teeter where they had Pelligrino and FIJI Water. I got both, just cause I could. And yes, FIJI is all caps when referring to the water.

I saw men with tattoos, some women who if they are not lesbians they had better start reading Vogue and step on it, and also I saw Thai restaurants, Indian restaurants and even an acupuncture place! Wooo!

Tallulah and I went on a dress-rehearsal drive to the dog day care and then to my job. We got to dog day care okay, but coming back from my work we got lost and ended up at the corner of Crip and Blood. Man! I'm gonna try again tomorrow, using MapQuest and not stupid Google Maps.

Let's talk about doggie day care. It is so cool there. You walk in to this big room filled with pretentious dog things: treats that look like human treats, hippie dog food that costs $475 a bag which of course I bought, yin-yang collars. And then there is a window, and when you look in, you see all the doggies playing! They separate them by size and energy. I held Lula up to the window and she was so excited. All the dogs rushed up and smiled at her.

Then the cutest long-haired boy you ever saw came out and said, "Who have we here?" and he picked up Lula and you have never seen her so calm. She squinted, totally squinted, with happiness. She loves this guy already.

There is a webcam you can go on to see the dogs all day, and if I can finagle it, I am gonna have it on this blog, so we can all check Lula out at day care.

Anyway, we are going back tomorrow and I am going to leave her there for two hours, just to get her used to the idea before I leave her there Monday. I can't help but wonder if Dr. Laura disapproves of dog day care like she does person day care. Dr. Laura can bite me.

Last night, in my last night in Tiny Town, some friends had us over for dinner. Not that they are cannibals. Anyway, they served really good food, which we had on the porch. We all sat on enormous rockers (I don't mean we sat on Meat Loaf) under the shade of a giant old magnolia tree. It could not have been a more Southern evening. There was even chess pie. It was the perfect way to leave Tiny Town. I really will miss it.

I had better turn in, as I am exhausted. I will never move again. Too emotionally taxing. Too annoying. Too discombobulating, walking into a room and realizing you have no idea where the light switch is. At least in the kitchen, you just open the fridge and it basically lights the room. Have I mentioned the kitchen is petite?

Under where?

The van is crammed tightly with as many of my things as we could possibly put in there. My dresser, Lula's crate, a bed, my chaise lounge, lawn furniture...

...and every single piece of underwear I own. I will be commando when closing on my house. Nice.