Bye Bye, Pie!

Huge Ackman

I am in here because Marvin is watching a documentary about seahorses. I am not even making that up. Really, how could I make that up? I am surprised that Marvin would be pursuing any movie at this juncture, as... Read more →

And how could I ever refuse? I feel like I win when I loooooooose.

Tonight I was on my way to get antidepressants for my cat (shut up) and the song Waterloo by ABBA was on. I think one of you may have mentioned that it was your least-most-favorite song back when I asked... Read more →

Sans turkey

I get irritated when people say "Turkey Day." I know this makes me the crabbiest person on earth, but what else is new. It's just one of those we've-heard-it-already phrases that I am over, along with voracious reader and metrosexual.... Read more →

I know you were looking forward to replacing me with a funnier blogger, but no such luck.

I'm fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, Lord, this has been a harrowing few days. Seriously. I took your advice and called the mammogram place back and asked them to s-l-o-w-ly read me my test results. The woman said, "An asymmetrical speculated density. Oh,... Read more →

Wherein June is inspirational to no one.

Me, in September, before my WHOLE LIFE GOT CRAPPY. And not to mention carpy. Remember a few months ago, when I went to the doctor because my face was numb and I thought it was a pulled muscle or something... Read more →

What Smells Loud?

It is Sunday night, and I am drinking my 57th Aquapod of the night because Marvin and I had Chinese food for dinner and Mr. Salty called and wants his sodium content back. Yeesch. I feel like a salt lick.... Read more →

June. Ending more marriages than Angelina Jolie.

You guys! Look what happened! Faithful reader Tarva went out and adopted the cutest puppy you ever did see and she named it June! Her husband hates me, as does her other dog! Oh, LOOK at that puppy! Look at... Read more →

Shelf this

Peedaddle. Which trust me, is a euphemism for some much stronger language, over here. I just spent an HOUR writing an whole huge post, and the thing got lost. Many bad words are being said here in the house of... Read more →

This blog just keeps gettin' weirder

Faithful reader Stephanie just made me a part of Donna's family. In the '70s. It's like I'm visiting from the future, telling Donna's mom a little secret. "Donna is gonna put this picture on mybloooooog! We are all gonna obsess... Read more →

Oh carp. I forgot to give this one a title.

Faithful reader Donna sent me her family portrait, which was taken last week. Okay, I really think it was taken a long time ago, because otherwise, hello, awkward! Umm, thanks, Faithful Reader Donna! Your sister has such nice, um, mushroom... Read more →

Also, I'd like to stick with the idea that the earth is flat, thank you.

Okay, what the Sam Hill is up with my Typepad template, here? Who moved my cheese? It's all differented up. Do not like. They have added what are probably helpful geegaws and doodads. Cut it out. Do not help me.... Read more →

Urine for a good post today

There are so many things I keep forgetting to tell you, what with the busyness of preparing for the Marvin birthday. First of all, a Weimaraner peed on me, which is not something you soon forget. I am sorry to... Read more →

Birthday boy/Macy's float. You decide.

Well, it's November 18th. Time for Marvin's mom, dad, sister--and of course me, his wife--to take time out of our busy lives to contemplate Marvin's creepy floating head yet another year. Happy 187th birthday, Marvin! Read more →

The pity party? Table of one?

I am at lunch, and am in the middle of the WORLD'S MOST IMPOSSIBLE DEADLINE. Naturally, I decided to post. I got an evite today, to a party in Los Angeles. Obvs, somebody forgot to take me off their party... Read more →

My Diary. Secrets of the Gardensalad

I don't know why you all thought my Ann Landers quote was directed at you. I was really saying I was dumb, seeing as I have never once talked about ideas or things on this blog. Well, there was the... Read more →

Waylaid by pasta, tripped up by Topamax

Yeah. I'm too tired to look at my diaries tonight. Marvin and I went to Target this evening, because we are livin' it up, livin' it up, Friday night, that way, so I could get more of this Topamax that... Read more →

Dear Diary, Part Deuxbag

For those of you who wonder if Marvin wears briefs or boxers (yes, people do write in and ask me that very thing), the answer is boxers. I should know, as I am wearing them. My life is out of... Read more →

Dear Lovey Heart, I am Desperate.

I have kept a diary since fifth grade, when my Grammy got me a Holly Hobby-esque one for Christmas. She also got me a pen with Chanel No. 5-scented ink that same year, and if anyone is wondering what I... Read more →

Hey, good lookin', we'll be back to break your toe later

Tonight I dropped a microphone stand on my foot and I did that kind of sob crying that you only do when you're four. All my eyelashes got triangle-y. And Tallulah wanted to be sympathetic, and she was till I... Read more →

Miracle Angel Baby Carpools to Work

Every workday, I commute with Tank and Hammy, because we work 20 miles away and also because gas costs 8 hundred million dollars a gallon all of a sudden. I picked a fine time to give up working from home.... Read more →

June, your frizzy, hagged-out pal

I want to thank you all for complimenting me on my hair yesterday, and I also want to let you know I have not plummeted into depression or anything. Because it is not a "new do," it is a BLOW... Read more →

She's crafty. And she's just my type.

Call Dr. Laura if you want, but I was unfaithful today. I got my roots done and I had to cheat on my regular person. She was not going to be in this morning and it really seriously was an... Read more →

Got nothin'

I feel like I've gotten a lot of attention lately. The Nester recently nominated me for a blog award, then Stie and What About Mom linked to me in their blogs. As a result, I got like 400 billion viewers... Read more →

Because Lee asked me to

and also because I am shameless. Really, if you don't read my comments, you miss out on all the fun. You are not, for example, worried about some guy none of us know whose dog ate his teeth today. Or... Read more →

Hail to the chiefly annoying spouse

Okay, seriously? You're over here looking at my blog when we're busy electing a president tonight? Perhaps you're one of the people reading this in another country, or maybe it's tomorrow. If it is tomorrow, could you call me right... Read more →

On pits and needles

It was the end of my workday, and I was in G's office. She was showing me a bill that she had paid, stuffed and mailed...to herself. She had turned the thingy the wrong way in the envelope window, showing... Read more →

Odds 'n Ends. Because you know how I enjoy usage of 'n.

A) I am sorry to tell you that Dennis the maintenance man at work came up to my office today. "I found you another cat," he said. "Let me guess. Is it gray, kind of teen-aged, really friendly?" "Now, how'd... Read more →

Vermont Country Store. For all your holiday and correct-English needs

You know how I get. I was ordering something for my mother's birthday, which is coming right up. I am sure reader Deborah, who has disappeared ever since my mother yelled at her in the comments a few months back,... Read more →

An important breakthrough

I have decided, after being initially kind of annoyed by her, that I like Kate Middleton, Prince William's girlfriend. I was only annoyed by her because she is forever parading around in bikinis and she is thin but she has... Read more →