My Diary. Secrets of the Gardensalad

I don't know why you all thought my Ann Landers quote was directed at you. I was really saying I was dumb, seeing as I have never once talked about ideas or things on this blog. Well, there was the Lean Cuisine Vending Machine idea, and of course the runaway dog magnet. Two fine ideas. But other than that.

Well, and I guess the men-can-stay-home-from-couples-dinners was an idea. Okay, so this blog is full of ideas. It's brilliant.

I used to always go around quoting Ann Landers like I knew her personally. Now I do that with dcrmom. You know how you guys write in and say your husbands are annoyed because you know stuff about me but you don't actually know me? That is how Marvin feels about dcrmom and me. One time I made him get English muffins at the store because they were dcrmom's brand. Who is over me? Who is over dcrmom and me as a duo?

Speaking of Marvin, here at last is my third and final diary installment.

April 18, 1986: Went to a party with D., D, and B. After, I made them all walk with me past Marvin Gardensalad's house. They all acted like they KNOW something. Like maybe Marvin doesn't like me.

I do not know why my college friends have to have the most distinctive names ever in the history of time. There is no way I could have put their real names in here and had it look vaguely anonymous. And I am too lazy to ask them if I can put their names in my blog.

Plus, I like how I assume my friends had some sinister secret about Marvin on their minds and not "Geez, I really don't want to stalk this guy. Can't we just get some chili cheese fries now and go home?"

I had met Marvin the previous fall, and had spent the entire year basically trying every trick in the book attempting to get him to like me, short of dancing in front of his window in nothing but pasties and go-go boots. And had I known where to get pasties, that would've been next.

May 16, 1986: Tonight I went to Ron & Brian's party and Marvin Gardensalad was there. I acted like an idiot. I got so flustered and embarrassed. Pretty in pink! Rich thinks he likes me, tho! Afterward, we were all outside talking and Marvin came out to the car and I was an idiot again. Pretty in pink again! Anyway, things still went well!

Remember when there were parties every weekend? Why can't life be like that now? And I think "pretty in pink" was my NOT AT ALL ANNOYING phrase for "gee, that was an uncomfortable situation." I can't imagine why Marvin didn't want to give me the time of day. Also, I apparently acted like an idiot both indoors and out, (I was kind of a versatile idiot) yet my assessment was that it went well. I guess that self-esteem was still in high gear. Wonder if he'd noted my pretty class ring yet.

May 21, 1986: When I got home tonight, there was a message on my machine and it was Marvin Gardensalad! I called him, and we talked all night! It's 2:30 now. I think he likes me! I HOPE so! He's so cute & kind & his love for music is a good sign, I think.

Oh, honey. Do you have any IDEA how many Who documentaries there are out there? Do you KNOW how bad it hurts to drop a microphone stand on your foot? Try dusting under the bed when there are seven guitar cases under it. Go ahead. Try it. Yes, it's sexy now, 20-year-old self. I know. It's sexy now.

May 27, 1986:Went to Marvin Gardensalad's tonight. We chatted all night and at 12:00 he walked me to my car. We sat in there till 2:25 and he KISSED ME! I could think about it FOREVER!

What was this, a police report? Was it necessary to report the time every second? Was I Captain Kirk? Star Date, 2:25. And when was the last time you were up at 2:25 that you or a loved one didn't have diarrhea? When was the last time MARVIN was up at 2:25? I'll tell you when. May 27, 1986, that's when.

Do you think he was practically in REM, and that's why he finally worked up the nerve to kiss me after the two-hour-and-twenty-five-minute "let me walk you to your car" scam?

Anyway, this diary ends with our painful and dreadful breakup, which I am NOT writing down here, but I want you all to know I read this diary this morning, and then all afternoon Marvin and I were downtown at antique stores, where we bought nothing because we actually had money to spend and if we had been flat broke we would have seen eleven billion things to buy. After, we went to lunch, and during a lull between chips he caught me glaring at him.

"Did you just decide to get mad at me again about our breakup?"

"YES! Why did you have to DO that?"

So you see? Really. Diaries are a bad thing. They dredge up all sorts of hideousness, things that are better off forgotten. Who needs to be reminded that they were evil in fifth grade? Who needs convincing that they were the world's largest twit in high school, or that their husband-to-be should never have gone to see Howard the Duck with THAT OTHER GIRL in the summer of '86, a painful, itching deceit that may still fester to this day if one thinks about it?

Pretty in pink.

Comments

[Cyndi]

You slay me. I am so glad to have found your blog, because you just crack me up.

[girly stuff]

I feel for you and those dredged up embarrassing moments. When one pops into my head, I have the annoying habit of singing really loud to drown it out. :) I can't even stand them in my own head. So I definitely can't imagine the horror of having them actually written down.

I am glad you and Marvin make a Gardensalad now. Are you the tomato and he the tomahtoe?

[Bonnie]

Ditto, Cyndi.

[Tee]

The last time Marvin was up at 2:25 a.m., May 27, 1986. LOL! Diaries can be so fun, but obviously it managed to dredge up some real hurt for you. Perhaps you are wise to make the last and final installment of the diary dialogue. No need to relive the past, the present has enough adventure for you and Marvin.

[J]

I'm laughing! Howard the Duck? Yes, I can certainly see how THAT OTHER GIRL slyly seduced Marvin by taking him to a movie that involved quacking.

[Cristy]

he saw howard the duck with another girl? wtf! its like the worst movie EVER!

[Lee]

I am cracking up that you were ticked at him at lunch today!!! Even more amusing is that he totally knew why you were glaring at him. I will have an argument in my head all day with my husband about something that happened 15 years ago and when he walks in the door be ready to go for his throat!
No more diary installments??? C'mon!
Oh, and were you calling him Marvin Gardensald even then? And how did you come up with Gardensalad?

[arlene]

I've been reading this series and kinda wishing that I had been consistent about keeping a diary. After this installment, I've decided it is ok that I didn't. This way there is no written proof that I was the world's biggest dork. And totally naive/green/dumb/block-of-wood-head too. My suggestion for diaries....box them with and use lots and lots of shipping tape. Bury them in the furtherest corner of your home. Then forget about them until Marvin Greensalad totally ticks you off!

[Aubrey]

You're stopping the diary installments (like they're appliances)? WHY? They're so freaking funny. I think you should tell us about when you and Marvin got back together--I'm so intrigued. When you were mad at him, was he more of a fruit salad? (Or am I just a total dork?)

[Shana]

It is perfectly acceptable to get pissed off at Marvin because of a memory. I often get upset with my husband because of something that I dreamed he did. And also when he REFUSES to read my mind and know what I am angry about.

[Melinda]

Shouldn't have read this at 1:28 a.m. -- hubby is gone to Reserve drill in LA (the state) this weekend and I sleep for crap when he is gone. Ugh. Now I have laughed so freaking hard that I may not ever sleep tonight at this rate. Oh well.

I'm really glad that you and Marvo got together in the end, you need the yin and yang of a relationship - in the past and present (and future) - to make it fully functional. If everything was always sunshine and roses, we might take it for granted and stuff. I hate fight with my hubby, but, when I do - making up is wonderful - and it makes me appreciate him more.

'Breaking up is hard to do' - but, it makes the coming back together that much more sweet (and memorable!).

I've always the discipline to keep a diary consistently - I admire you A LOT for doing it and I would love more entries if/when (please?) - you ever feel up to it.

[Melinda]

FRICK. I hate it when I post my comment with errors - I wish there was some kind of edit function to fix it when that happens. It wouldn't matter so much if you weren't a fricking EDITOR for criminey's sake.

[Ells]

Oh, you've got me rolling with your stardates and exact moments of kissing! So funny!

But... maybe it's funny because I get it! It seemed SO IMPORTANT to document those things when I was keeping a diary, too. :)

[othermama]

Marvin went to parties in college and kissed girls? I thought that he spent his time studying. I want the tuition back.

[Yard Sale Mama]

A few months into our relationship, my then boyfriend, now husband, took another woman to dinner to make a sale at work. A SALE!! Worst part? He told me the whole night he was out with a friend "Kurt". It was followed by an ugly confession and me hating him for weeks. Now we just laugh about it, I laugh at him, he laughs nervously- lol.
~Rachel

(okay, why this ended up on another post? i have no idea, i'm an idiot)

[suburbancorrespondent]

I'm sure "Howard the Duck" has been the rock upon which many a fine relationship has foundered.

Or something like that...

[Rachel]

HOWARD THE DUCK!?! That hussy!

[The Accidental Housewife]

You crack me up! I love that you got pissed AGAIN 22 years later. I love it! Have you ever had a dream where Marvin pissed you off in your dream and then you were pissed at him the whole next day?

[Culpepper]

You are the best. All of your diary entries had me in stitches. You know I adore you and although it is hard to believe, I think your diary entries made me love you more!

[Mother]

I think the timing was just not right for you and Marvin in college. The two of you had to mature and then you were ready for each other when you met again. It all worked out so well.

[Musings of a Housewife]

I am not over us as a duo. Now don't you go trading me in for a newer, cuter model, ya hear!?

[Carol in MI]

I never did like that Carolyn girl. And I think they saw Top Gun together too...

[Karen P]

General Hospital 3 days ago and Stardates today. I love it! BTW Luke and Laura were married this day in 1981!

My guy sold a guitar last year to fund his new passion (cycling). It was the guitar that my 20 year old self found oh so sexy. Have to admit I was a little sad - then I remember there are still 3 more and an amp in the closet between me and my winter coats.

Love those who get upset at hubbies for what they do in dreams. Totally done that - wish I could say that is me at my most irrational.

Think I have finally read all the post about the Those Creative Women show. Still hate I missed it. Looks like it was quite a party. My guy was doing a 50 mile ride that day (he's crazy). Not a guitar, but sexy in its own way so I wanted to be there. Maybe there'll be one next year.

[Carolyn]

Oh, I just love your diary mini series. I'm so sad to hear you are ending them. Just when I was getting hooked too!
And dcrmom I heart her! She rocks.
You my dear need to be a comic writer!
Oh and the fight thing over a dream...oh, I can't tell you how many times and how long I was mad at my DH over my dreams! Poor guy!
Now, let's talk turkey. Have you been to my page lately? :-)

[DaisyCake]

Marvin should have never gone to see Howard the Duck. At all.