Urine for a good post today

There are so many things I keep forgetting to tell you, what with the busyness of preparing for the Marvin birthday.

First of all, a Weimaraner peed on me, which is not something you soon forget. I am sorry to tell you that it is not the first time that something has peed on me, and every time it happens, it always takes me a few seconds of thinking, "What is warm all of a sudden?"

When you are around as many animals as I am, things like this can happen.

Anyway, the Weimaraner was at the dog park, and I was sitting in a chair, talking to someone when it happened. Weimaraners are TALL, so he did it way up on my leg. And you know I was so happy that day to be wearing the sweatpants that I was wearing?

I didn't want to ruin Tallulah's time at the park, so I sat there in cold misery for another hour, and let me tell you something. Once one dog has marked you? You are the main event, there, at the dog park. Every other dog there was fascinated by me. After, I went home, showered, changed into less-exciting pants, and even THEN was sniffed obsessively by dogs all day.

Also, I had my first mammogram yesterday. I am certain my male readers will be riveted, as was poor Tank, my carpool partner and miracle angel baby, who had to hear about it both to and from work.

The whole mammogram experience, which is not at all like the Jimi Hendrix one, is done by my work. Well, not literally. But they had limos coming to work all day to get us, and in the limos were snacks and drinks, and we women went in groups. Which made it more fun and less frightening.

When I was getting ready for work yesterday, I reminded Marvin that I was going for said mammogram and that I was scared. I have been supposed to get one for THREE YEARS now, and have put it off because everyone says it is painful and I was afraid. So here it was, the big day. He asked if I was driving right to my appointment and I told him what I just told you about the limos.

He said, "Wait. You get to miss work, ride in a limo, eat snacks and get your hoots squeezed, and you're upset?"

Anyway, I am here to tell you, as the national spokeswoman for all women afraid to get mammograms, IT DID NOT HURT ONE IOTA! Not at all! I cannot believe I was scared. I know people say it depends on your tech, but my experience? Completely fine.

I even asked the tech if she could put a little holly around the picture, cause I'm thinking Christmas cards.

And crap. I know I have some other pressing (hah!) thing to tell you, but it is 7:22 and I must go to work. What ding-dang thing did I have to tell you? Oh, don't you --Oh! I remembered! Because this blog would not be half as good without all of you, we are going to have a new feature here at Bye Bye, Pie! It is something I have blatantly stolen from the Comics Curmudgeon, who I would link to but have I mentioned it's 7:22? His site is joshreads.com. He's great.

Anyway, we are going to have a Comment of the Week! Every Saturday, I will announce Mr. or Miss Funny (or Insightful or Mean or whatever). And no, it won't be J every week. I am even going to eventually have a little place for it on one of my side columns. Isn't it exciting? Isn't it delightful? Isn't it delicious? Aren't we a pair?

And comment anyway, even if you don't think it's "Comment of the Week" worthy. Some days, when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way your comment looks tonight. Seriously, I heart all comments. They don't have to be hilarious.

Okay, that's all. Try not to get peed on today.

Comments

[Debbie/StudioBeeCreations]

wow...how fun is this?...You JUST posted...and I am the first to comment this morning...its like we are "chatting"!!....I am an ever faithful follower, altho, not always commenting ....beeeeeeeeeeecause I am truely not as funny as some of your blogger friends. I do enjoy your humor...I will be avoiding all tall dogs today....blessings, Debbie

[HB]

Now there is pressure to be funny in your comments, or witty or write something to stand out but I won't stoop to mean. Bad karama! I must agree reading the comments on your blog is funny. Have fun at work & stay away from the big dogs...maybe he was just marking you as his fav at the dog park??!

[Lee (by the subject, you should know I am a girl)]

I am also afraid to get my girls squished!!! I am 42 years old and my dr. has been begging me to get it done for the past 5 years. At every yearly appt. I say "I PROMISE I will get it done this time" and never do. My girls are a bit buxom and I am terrified it will hurt. mean, do they flatten them???? Do I need to drink a vodka gimlet prior to the squishing???
My daughter's best friends dog pees on me every time I go to her house. He backs up to my foot and pees. You'de think I'd learn. They claim he doesn't do this to anyone else. Hmmm.

[lauren]

so did you notice the weimeraner peeing on you? or did you sit there for a while and then notice that something was warm? what did the owner say?

[June]

Lauren,

I had my "what's warm?" thought, and then I saw him in the act. I said to the guy I'd been talking to, "That dog's peeing on me!" and the guy said, "I see that." It was a pretty enlightening conversation.

The owner never saw it. You know how big that park is. Really, what could he have done? Offered to dry clean my sweat pants? Oh, I love those particular sweat pants, tho.

[Cristy]

Peed on... awesome! Fortunately or unfortunately as a mom, that has happened to me too many times to count. Poop too.

Yay for the mamogram! What were the results? Do you find out right away? I am an embryo (28) so I don't get one for a while. If I can convince my work to rent a limo though, I might go early just for the fun of it.

BTW, have you started considering what the title for your blog will be next year? I mean, I've enjoyed the great health tips this year, but I'm thinking "TryTryPie"... each month you could sample a new kind of pie and tell us about it. Or I guess it could be "TryTryTry" and you could just do something new and adventurous each month. Just an idea.

[I.P. Freely]

It's rather embarrassing (or empowering?) to own the dog that pees on the neighbor's ankle and soaks her scrumptious leather loafer. Oh.My.Gawd.

[The Accidental Housewife]

I had to have a mammogram at the age of 10. Yes, t-e-n years old. I really didn't have any boobs per se' just little puppy dog noses. So the tech had to smush up as much as possible to get a picture. It was all very frightening to my ten year old self. What with all the smushing and smashing. They finally got the picture and she released the little bit of boob I had and looked at me and said "That wasn't so bad was it?" My ten year old self looked at her and said "Lady, I'm 10! That was excrutiating and NO ONE is ever touching my boobs again!"

[Lee]

Where IS everyone????? There are usually about 20 comments by now. C'mon, people. I hit refresh on this page only about 943 times a day anxiously awaiting your witty comments.

[Jan]

My mammogram didn't hurt at all either. I always try to reassure people who are afraid by telling them that, but they usually think I'm lying.

I am going to strive to be as witty, funny, charming, nasty or mean as I need to be to be crowned "Comment of the Week." Dang it! I need that pat on the back.

[Stephanie]

I was sent to have a mammogram at age 27 (I've got some major family history of breast cancer going on) and the people at the clinic were really rude to me. They didn't understand why someone my age would be there. I explained about my family history and that my doctor found a lump but they seemed to think I was there for fun or something. I can't imagine there are that many women out there who enjoy getting their boobs squished in a big, hard, cold machine for fun. Anyway, they did an ultrasound first and the lump was gone so they didn't do the mammogram. I always meant to send them an angry letter about how they should be more sensitive but never got around too it. Maybe I'll do that now.

[Sharon]

Mammograms really don't hurt after 60 because our boobies are already pancakes. They are so flat that my friends, The Goddesses, and I go skinny dipping during every full moon in summer at one of the Goddess's pools and you know those long, squishy floating tubes - I think they call them fanoodles? - well we hook our boobs over the fanoodle and see who can float. Whoever stays above water is the winner, or the loser, depending on your point of view. We have discovered that little boobs won't grab the noodle, really big boobs will keep you afloat without the noodle, and medium boobs of women with more than two children can be slung over the top and will keep you afloat long enough to survive the Titantic sinking.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Comment of the Week?! Oh, Lord, the pressure...

[Alison]

At least you went ahead and said not to forgo commenting if our comments weren't comment of the week material. Because I would totally not comment due to the pressure. You have some witty readers, though.

[Jenene]

Okay, would you rather have a dog pee on you, or a baby poop on you? Because I got the latter. My family visited me not so long ago, and my little niece is lucky that she is THE cutest baby on earth (and I'm not just saying that. A stranger handed my sister money when they saw her cute daughter).

Anyway, she's lucky she's so cute, because I did not appreciate that poop smeared all over my favorite pair of jeans. One of the least delovely experiences of my life.

Oh, and "The Way My Comment Looks Tonight"? My hubby and I danced to that song at our wedding. Except it was the real song.

[Lee]

Can we vote on a favorite comment? Sharon's had me ROLLING over here. I mean, I am screaming!
..."well we hook our boobs over the fanoodle"...

[Shana]

I just had a vision of your Christmas card photo this year. You, Marvin and Lula staring off into the distance and a giant floating boob in the background.

[susan]

I'm glad you're getting a lot of pee-mail. Har, har. I'm sure that's why Lula's so excited to go to the dog park, gotta catch up with her dawgs, man! Also... did you read Dooce today?! :)

[Melissa @ Galloping Cows]

We had seatwarmers in my old car, and for the first couple of times I drove it, my bottom would get warm (from the seatwarmers), I would think "Did I just wet myself? Where is that warmth coming from?" And then I would realize that I hadn't wet myself, and that my bottom was supposed to be warm!
Also, my dog peed on my leg once. We were out for a walk, and I met a neighbor, and we were chatting, and Murphy didn't like me chatting so long, so he peed on my leg. Except he was a poodle-terrier mix, so it only got my sock. Fun memories.

[Nancy in FL]

I know that Marvin just had a birthday and all, but with that "hoots squeezed" comment I would have taken five years off of his celebrated life. Squeezed doesn't quite honor the whole *body part in a tortilla press* feeling. Ask him how that strikes him! ROFL

[Stephanie]

Sharon, her Goddesses, and their floating boobies get my vote for comment of the week!

[Burfica]

I came here by way of Spot of T's blog. I lurk more than I comment. But I could not stop laughing my ass off about you being the center of attention at the dog park.

[June]

Okay, A, the Christmas card idea, with Marvin, Tallulah and me staring reverantly at my mammogram picture? Who will never, ever stop laughing?

And 2, DOOCE! Oh, wow! I will not copycat her on this.

[Linda - the Aussie one!]

I have my mammies grammied too and it doesn't hurt .. feels a little uncomfy but no pain.
So .. about the dog .. did you let it finish before shooing away? I bet he comes and humps your leg .. or thigh .. next time he sees you there at the park. He's just marking his territory. I think he thinks you're HIS bitch now.

[J]

Men would have a different perspective if upon turning 40, they had to have their Donkey Kong put in a panini press. I agree though, the process looks scarier than it is with those giant compression plates squeeing down.

Sharon, please tell me that the husbands don't skinny dip because the term "floating tubes" makes me think very funny thoughts.