Vermont Country Store. For all your holiday and correct-English needs

You know how I get.

I was ordering something for my mother's birthday, which is coming right up. I am sure reader Deborah, who has disappeared ever since my mother yelled at her in the comments a few months back, is gonna wanna get right on her gift purchases.

(Again, Deborah, I am sorry. You see by the date that mom is a Scorpio. Scorpios are evil. I know this because I used to be an editor at that horoscope-in-a-tube place. You know, when you go to 7-Eleven and they sell you your horoscope up at the cash register in the little tube? I don't mean the cash register is in a little tube. Yeah, I worked at the place that makes those horoscopes. So I know from astrological signs. Mom can't help it that she's a Scorpio, Deborah. Marvin is a Scorpio too, and I could tell you some things.)

I have already sent mom a "That One in '08" T-shirt, which is only funny if you watched the second presidential debate (and perhaps only funny if you are voting for "that one"), but I also sent mom a  little something-something from Vermont Country Store, which is only the best best best store ever, on earth.

Please tell me you know about Vermont Country Store. They sell all sorts of things from your childhood that you thought were gone forever. Click-clacks, Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific, My Sin perfume, maple logs. It is all there.

Once, I even got to actually go to the real Vermont Country Store, as my Aunt Kathy of haunty house fame lived in Vermont, and we were visiting. It was SO COOL AT THAT STORE. Also, it happened to be my birthday that day, so both my mother and my aunt bought me things (pink cotton pajamas and some Muget Du Bois perfume by Coty, which it turns out? Months later, my Aunt Mary came to visit, and she said, "Why do you have this perfume? This was your great-grandmother's brand of perfume").

I also, inexplicably, had a GIANT panic attack at Vermont Country Store, and I don't know why, but it was still fun. It really was a bad one. My heart beat out my chest like Pepe LePew's does when he sees the cat for the first time. I had a cold sweat and sweated ice cubes like that little penguin that Bugs Bunny finds in the North Pole, except technically he cries ice cubes. What is Bugs Bunny doing in the North Pole? Is that one of the times he takes a wrong turn at Albuquerque? Why is it that when I have a panic attack all my symptoms are cartoon characters'?

And you wanna know what irks me? When people say they had a panic attack when in reality they were mildly annoyed. "I was standing in my closet having a panic attack over what to wear to work." Were you? Were you clutching your chest, thinking you were going to die because you didn't know what you were going to wear to work? Cause that seems a little extreme.

To get back to the point of my "You know how I get" sentence that is up at the top of K2, there, I ORDERED my mother said gift from Deborah and me from Vermont Country Store, and you know how they immediately send you an email back:

"Thank you for ordering from Vermont Country Store. Your order has been sent to June's Mom, 1413 Mean To Readers Lane, Saginaw MI. Vermont Country Store is open everyday except Christmas."

Well.

You know I had to reply.

"Dear Vermont Country Store (I said). You know I like you. You know I order from you all the ding-dang time. But it is EVERY DAY. TWO WORDS. I Wear my everyday clothes EVERY DAY."

Yes, I really did send them my infamous line about everyday clothes every day. I am seriously thinking of tattooing it on myself. Hey, if Angelina can latitude and longitude herself.

Oh, can I digress about that? I mean, I have been so linear thus far. The other day, Marvin was reading my Star Magazine, which somebody ought to as I have no time, and he was all, "What is that BEAR CLAW on Angelina Jolie?"

I said, "That is the latitude and longitude of her children."

Marvin was silent for a moment. "Don't they ever move?"

My POINT to you, and I KNOW you wish I would get to the sweet, sweet point so you could go read Dooce or someone actually entertaining, is that hours later I returned to my computer and THEY WROTE ME BACK!! VERMONT COUNTRY STORE WROTE ME BACK!

"Dear Mrs. Gardensalad (they wrote), We apologize for our spelling error and will let the appropriate people know."

I have never been so pleased in all my life. Do you have any idea how many companies I write to with my stupid grammatical and spelling corrections? Do you think any of them write me back? I will never buy anything from any other store. I will wear shoes made from Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific bottles. I will curl my hair with maple logs. I will wear click-clack earrings. I will not blanch at using Muget Du Bois for the rest of my life. (Thank you. Loved myself for that one.)

I will go now, sort of, but it occurs to me that this post could have been summed up like this: I wrote a catalog company about a spelling error and they actually wrote back! And it is for this reason that I am going to for sure email my friend MaryBeth to make sure she reads this particular post.

Sometimes I'll leave MB a message on her answering machine, and she'll rush in after work and hit the answering machine as she's headed to the bathroom. When it's me, she always starts to laugh and get mad at the same time, because she knows she is going to have to choose between hearing the whole 45-minute story I am inevitably leaving and peeing down her own leg, or rushing to the bathroom and going really fast and trying to run back in and hear the rest of my story and try to cobble together what she missed.

I got 142 words for you, MB: voice mail. 1995 called.

Comments

[alamy]

That is a cool website, I love how under the Women's apparel section they have a muumuu category. Shifting to an all muumuu all the time approach would definitely stop the panic attacks over what to wear.

[EmilyTakesTokyo]

Oh, you are right about the panic attacks! I've never had one in the Vermont Country Store, but I have had one, and it is what you'd think a heart attack felt like if you've never had one of those.

Which I haven't.

But whatever.

Go That One!

[Bonnie]

Dear June,

You crack me up. I aspire to one-tenth of your writing ability and humorous ways.

I'm amazed how you first of all know about, and secondly insert into your post elements like an ice-cube crying penguin acquaintance of Bugs Bunny --- one of my favorite cartoon characters. (Did you ever read the Donald Duck comics about "Unca" Scrooge mining for gold in Peru with his nephews? Or others where he spends countless hours stacking gold bullion or whatever? As a kid with only a few coins, living on a small farm in the Midwest, I found those stories exotic and exciting.)

But I can't imagine fitting that memory into a narrative. I'm amazed at how bizarre ideas (That's a compliment) pop into your head and land in your posts.

Speaking of ---- how does your mother react to being called "evil" in today's entry? I have a feeling she has a sense of humor like her daughter's. At least I hope so.

Keep on keep'n' on.

[Shana]

Yes, I have stood in my closet, clutching my chest, feeling like I was going to die over what I was going to wear. And now you mock me. I hope you're happy. It doesn't happy every day, as in it is not an everyday occurrence, but still, the mocking must end.

[What About Mom]

I love how Marvin is keepin' it real. He should write a letter to Angelina. Maybe she'll write back.

[Jan]

Simply put, to the point, you crack me up. Seriously. I'm sitting here laughing and coffee is trying to shoot out of my nose. I'm going to shower now and I'll probably be in there laughing over the address of your mothers home and that the gift is from you AND Deborah.

You crack me up!

[arlene - another ev-ile scorpio]

yeah, you could have made it a three sentence post - but where would have been the fun in that??? AND we would never have learned about the Vermont Country Store. AND we would never have learned about Mary Beth's antiquated phone message machine causing unfortunate problems. AND we would not have known about your mom's birthday. So, I thank you, and I'm sure Deborah thanks you.

ps: happy birthday, June's mom!

[Beth]

Hey, Kool Aid!

[Robin]

Hello,
I just wanted to point out that you started a sentence with the word And. Way back when you and I went to high school, not the same high school, I am sure, but the era was about the same....(how is that for a run on, I kinda felt like you LOL) we were taught to never start a sentence with the word And.
Were the teachers in the 70's incorrect or are you incorrect? Thanks. I really do want to know since I am homeschooling my children. BTW, I am not sure if the word homeschooling should be two words or one word. What do you think?
I enjoy your blog and hope you keep writing so I can keep laughing.

[Tee]

Ilove The Vermont Country Store. I think they are a family owned/operated company and I'm not surprised they responded to your e-mail concerning their error in grammar. Real people responding, what a noval idea! Visiting their store in Vermont is a great experience, been there, done that, didn't get a t-shirt.

[June]

Robin,

I also said "gonna wanna," so you'd think my hideous "and" would be the least of your worries. I did learn that, too, though! Fortunately, it's one of those rules we no longer have to put up with! See what I did there? Tee-heee!

[J]

AND DANG THOSE DING DANGLING PARTICIPLES!!!!!

[Tuff Tat]

Nice tats on that Angie

[cpwoman55]

Your mom is not evil, she is just stressed. I like her firery streak.

[emily]

I was intrigued by the Vermont Country Store, and was browsing, until I saw the hernia belt, and then I had to close that window. I don't know that I can get past that. Is a hernia belt everyday wear?

[Ree]

I can't EVEN type the words EVERYDAY or EVERY DAY without thinking of you.

[J]

Did you also order this for your mom? It says it's for the overworked and underappreciated:

http://www.vermontcountrystore.com/browse/Home/Apothecary/Body-Care/Soaps/Tired-Old-Ass-Soak/D/30100/P/1:100:1000:10010:100050/I/f03661?evar3=RELATEDITEMS

[Lee]

We have flannel Sock Monkey sheets from The Vermont Country Store. They were ding danged expensive but hello, people! FLANNEL SOCK MONKEYS!!!!

Sometimes your posts are just too much for me to even BEGIN to comment on. I picture in my mind's eye you frantically typing away, interupting yourself, scratching your head to remember where you were going with said post, not even cracking a smile until you are all done and whilst proofreading your work, the snorts and giggles begin.
I, also too as well, cannot say, read, type the words "every day" without thinking of you.

There is a book out there about a guy who wrote letters to companies all the time. The letters and the responses to them are all published. Sissy, Jan, if you read this, help me remember, ok? Because apparently I don't talk to you 298 times a day and can't just pick up the phone which is sitting right next to me and call you now for the name of that danged book.

[Jan]

The danged book is called "Letters From A Nut". Dang it. I need some Tired Old Ass soak from TVCS because I have to function as Lee's living memory. Ding Dang Dang it.

[Bell]

The guy that was Kotter who got welcomed back (His name is Gab Something) also published a book where he wrote crazy letters to companies and small town mayors and such. Just FYI.

What you need to do is order something else from the VCS and see if in your next little "thank you for your money" e-mail the horrid language has been corrected. And if it hasn't, well....you might have another panic attack.

[suburbancorrespondent]

I think you should send that story in to Garrison Keillor. As a former English major, he would appreciate it.

[Lee]

Thanks sissy Jan.
Letters From A Nut by Ted L. Nancy

HI-LARIOUS!

[Musings of a Housewife]

You are far more entertaining than Dooce. So there. Ramble on.