[Seeing as Hulk has already written his post, and I have not written mine, I will publish his now and you'll see mine on Tuesday...]
So we kissed. Lightly at first, smiling, giggling, playfully looking into each other’s eyes, like schoolkids hoping not to get caught by our parents. But then the kiss grew more passionate. I held her face in my hands; she pulled her body into mine as she wrapped her arms around me. I began to reach down—
GOTCHA!!
Who loves himself?
June informed me that we were going to write a “he said/she said” post about our date to her cousin’s wedding reception. “Um…what?” I asked helpfully. She replied, “I asked you a month ago if you would write a guest post about tonight and you agreed. Have it to me by Sunday.” “Hmmm…God help you, Whitman” I thought to myself. But I decided that since refusing was only going to hurt my chances at getting some action later, I agreed to do it. Here is the play-by-play…
June and I attended her cousin’s wedding reception; a joyous affair to be sure. June’s family is just as nice, and nuts, as she is. And I mean that in a good way…
The evening began by me getting dressed in my best shirt and tie. And my Tribe jersey. What? It was an Indian wedding…
Okay. Bad joke aside, June met me at the front door, and I must say, she looked absolutely stunning in her sari. I mean, I was like, “Damn. I should really try to tap that later…” (Hi, Mother!)
June introduced me to some family friends as “Hulk.” I mean, really. I HAVE a real name. But no. To everyone June knows I am Hulk. And for some reason they are always excited to meet me. Now THAT part I understand. But really? “Hulk”? What am I, nine? But I digress…
The reception was only a few minutes away from Mother’s house, and we arrived around 6 PM. One of the first people I met was Uncle Leo.
Uncle Leo’s first word to me? “Hello…” Just like on ‘Seinfeld’! I am sure it was completely unintentional, but that was it. I was dead right there. Uncle Leo was dressed in traditional Indian garb. I think. I’ve never been there.
But he looked good. None the worse for wear after his throwing-up-for-days episode.
June and I then entered the bar area, where there was a table full of hors d'oeuvres. Now, a little about me here. I am a picky eater. Like 10-year-old-girl picky. And yet I am overweight. Figure that one out. Anyway, June got us a plate to share full of all kinds of Indian food. There were green things, fried green things, and hummus. She told me hummus is made from chick peas. You can imagine the giggles I had over THAT. Chick pee. But I wanted to be open-minded, so I tried a few items. I’m not sure, but I think I tasted goat balls. And I am SURE there was sliced animal penis as well. I was Tom Hanks in Big when he tries the caviar…
And, I must say this here: June talks to EVERYBODY. EVERY.BODY. We were taking our seat at the bar and she was chatting up some dude before her fanny hit the cushion! He must have thought he hit the jackpot, what with this hot chick in a blue sari all, “What do you do? Where do you live?”…Then there was the retired doctor who was sucking down screwdrivers like someone was gonna TAKE them from him. June was all, “Who here are you friends with? Do you have any children? What does your son do?” “He’s an emergency room physician…” (Huh. An Indian doctor whose son is a doctor. You could have knocked me over with a feather…)
June also used this time (and it was a LOOOOONG time, as the bridal party took forever to arrive, irking June to no end) to point out hot women for me to check out. “There’s one…the gal with the long black straight hair…” “It’s an INDIAN wedding, June,” I replied. “Could you be a little LESS specific?? I mean, throw a dart…” But there were some very attractive ladies there. I was hesitant to really point any out myself, for fear of June going, “That’s my 24-year-old cousin, you perv!” And June, I have to say, you were as gorgeous as any of them. Now now…don’t get the wrong idea here. I’m just saying…don’t worry about dudes not finding you attractive. Honey, you are a babe. Nice rack, too…
Finally the happy couple arrived, and we were herded in for dinner. Except that we still couldn’t eat. There were the introductions of the wedding party, there were the 589437768484 speeches made by every person the bride and groom ever met and then a reading by June’s stepdad (which June and I snickered through, irking MOTHER to no end, I am sure), there was the leaning cake-cutting (I swear, the cake was LEANING; I cringed every time someone walked past that table). Finally I had to excuse myself…I had to “break the seal,” if you know what I mean (I had three glasses of water and four beers. My friggin’ TEETH were floating!). When I got back, everyone at our table was gone! Nice joke, gang. Then I figured either someone farted, or it was our turn to eat. Luckily I saw Mother in line, so off I went to join them. After the goat balls, my picky self was scared at what they might serve as a main course, so I loaded up on salad. Turns out though, that they had traditional Indian food on one side and good ol’ ‘Merican fare on the other. Awesome prime rib and potatoes. Whose heaping salad went virtually untouched?
After dinner and the typical dances with the parents and such, the partying began. We danced, we drank, and we took pictures (shocked you are, I’m sure). They even had one of those photo booths? Like at carnivals? With props and everything. You get your picture taken, and then they glue it into an album for the couple. Did June make me do this? What do you think? Years from now they will be looking through that book, and they’ll see our picture and go, “Why did June bring Shrek to our wedding reception?”
As the night wore on, I got to hear all the fun June’s family stories. I got to be introduced as “Hulk” to people who had no clue what that meant. I met Aunt Sue; I blame her. I met Smokin’ Hot Aunt Kathy (SHOUT-OUT!!),
June’s beautiful cousin Katie that she always talks about (and she ain’t lyin’), Mother’s good friend (“Are you Hulk?? You’re so famous!!”)…all in all it was a fun night.
June and I left, and I dropped her off at Mother’s, gave her a hug (a HUG!) and said goodnight. Sorry to disappoint you all, but we did NOT hook up. Really though…wouldn’t that kind of be the Jump The Shark moment for this blog? Kind of like when Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepard got together on Moonlighting, no?
