A linear, one-subject post. As per usual.

I did not mean to insert this photo. Typepad has some cockamamie new thing where they present photos to me really small, but anyway I love this picture as it pretty much sums up my while world. Edsel being involved in being an IDIOT, and Tallulah being sympathetic to my plight. Look at Edsel's muscuLAture, as George Takei would say. Only Faithful Reader Jan will think that George Takei line is funny, as she is the only other person who listens to Howard Stern 4958949 hours a day.

Here is the photo I meant to put in. I could see, like, literally the size of a thumbnail when they showed me photos to plunk, and all I could see was blue and white.

Anyway. Last night Iris and I watched a rerun (and I will not show the opening song of What's Happening again, and for that I am sorry) of The Real Housewives, so we could catch up on the season finale. Who sobbed like an idiot during Pandora's wedding, as though she has known Pandora all her life and has been just waiting for this day? Geez, Iris. You're a cat. Get some dignity.

The reason I couldn't watch my regularly scheduled Real Housewives, or houzewives, as Kyle pronounces it when they show next week's episode ("Coming up, on the Real Houzewives...") (which is better than Vickie, who says, "Prevusly on the Real Housewives." Do I ever get resentful that they have millions of dollars and I don't?) is because I was bowling. You never see the real houzewives bowling.

And by the way, the first "I never watch the real housewives of anywhere" comment gets a piece of teensy Iris poo mailed directly to their door.

Could someone PLEASE make me a list of all the things I'm supposed to send to everyone? I know I am supposed to send a yodeling pickle to Funny in My Mind, for some reason. And Joann said I promised her an inflatable swan or something. Who else?

Anyway, yes. I was bowling. We had a fun night at work, because now we have a fun committee at work, which I volunteered to be on but they wouldn't let me be on it. I resent that. What did they think I was gonna DO?

Botox night at June's work! Hey everyone! It's partner swap night! Be here with your keys at 10 p.m.! (For the record, I'm the EDITOR of the company NEWSLETTER, so pfft! to the fun committee. Pfft! Not resentful and bitter. No. NO!)

New girl came, and guess what she had? GUESS WHAT SHE HAD?????

Has she been put on this earth to torture me with good things? I have been coveting the Hello Kitty bowling ball since 2005, when Marvin and I lived right near a bowling alley in LA. And she just SHOWS UP with it.

Anyway. I just want you to know I bowled 105!!! For me, that is excellent. I emailed this photo to my father, who asked, "Now, was that all three games added up?"

Oh evvvveryone's a comedian. That was the best score I got, though. I got tired of lugging those seven pounds after while. Working out is hard.

While we're on the subject of highfalutin' things like bowling, let's not forget my finances. I paid off the credit card with the highest balance on it, so thanks for your advice yesterday. It currently doesn't have interest, but in a few months it will have terrible interest unless I pay part of it. It's the kind of credit card that is interest-free, per purchase, for 12 months. It's the vet credit card.

do it cover cost of edzul senior piktur?

Who has to stop playing with her new app? Also, I had a DREAM about Pinterest last night. I am pathetic.

pintrist far outs, mom.

Seriously. I need to get out more. But even if I get out I can bring my phone and continue playing with this app.

 dis piktur not disterbeeng at all, mom. where iris milareea pill?

Are we absolutely certain I should not have taken that windfall and used it for therapy? Or a few weeks at an asylum? Do they say "asylum" anymore or is a nicer euphemism used? "Place for people who put their pets' heads on old pictures." Is there a politically correct term for that?

Okay. Going. And by the way, next time I get married I want every single thing Pandora had at her wedding, down to the last pink sparkle. Someone show my mother what Lisa had on, because my hippie mom is gonna have to sport that. It involves a tiara, mom. Just to warn you. Oh, and the wedding cost a million dollars. You're paying for my next wedding, too, right?

Okay, really going. Before hippie mom pops a cap in my ass.

Comments

[original joann who likes to bowl with bumpers]

Hahahahahahahaha!!!! I'm pointing at you, June. And you can keep your swan. I don't want any swans, inflatable, black, whatever. I've got ducks and they are total assholes. So I can imagine that swans would be even worse, conceited assholes.

My dogs cried, too, at Pandora's wedding. I think Lisa and Pandora have the sweetest relationship. But I'm so glad to be done with Kevin, Shi-Shi-Shi. Oh, did that man bug me.

Edsel looks fabulous as a man. Iris scares the freak out of me.

And there's Poochie! she even bowls with style! Gosh, do I want to marry her!

[Mommie Dearest]

Those pictures from your new app remind me of the ones in Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (excellent book!)...kind of creepy...

[Amy in MD]

milareea pill!

[Just Paula.]

A Fun Committee. Oh does my job ever need that.

[nancy is overzealously posting lately please forgive her rainey]

oh Lisa (mommie dearest) you and I are so attuned! I remember when we both read the book, I exclaimed for joy over the seriously awesomeness of it! I am posting here today, and probably on your page as well because, well, because I'm supposed to be earning a living and cannot fathom why!
June- I'm glad you paid off the card but really do hope you at least got a winner winner chicken dinner beforehand. And why is there a shoe on your shelf? Are your dogs like mine? Do they love to do shoe-poohs? Yes, my Shiba Izu has decided shoes are the best target of all.
I love Edz. More than words can say. It's like a bad hair-band ballad love. "more than words, it's all that I can..." I don't remember the lyrics. Look it up, dangitall.

[Letha]

Lovely post June! I am jealous of your bowling score. Now if you just had that HK ball.
In Sling Blade, they called it the Nervous Hospital.
Don't you fret. You are the Princess of the Fun Committee here.
I was supposed to get your gray skirt.

[Mommie Dearest]

@Nancy - Don't those pictures look like they belong in the book?

June, Please share the name of the app with us. I NEED that app!

[Anita]

I do not know who Pandora is but I'm picturing her rather boxy looking.

Yay for paying off credit card. I bet it felt good. Now don't forget to call the 18% people to ask for a lower rate. They may just do it.

Edsel looks smashing! Zadge will be so excited.

[DeDe (why did autocorrect correct to Deadwood? I've never typed deadwood in my life!)]

Senior picture! That shizzle is funny.

[nancy is overzealously posting lately please forgive her rainey]

Yes they do, MD! I love that book so much, I often watch the 'movie-like' trailer just to get those pictures back in my mind. haha. I am hopeful you will come up for the 1982 reunion in a few months...
And June should come too. Why not? She could be the guest of honor at a reunion of folks she does not know. It would be fun!

[June Gardens]

By the way, I KNOW there is a typo (while=whole) in paragraph one, and with the new photo thing? I cannot get in between those two photos to FIX IT! My poor boss was here to give me work and I made him listen to a whole diatribe about how I cannot fix it. He was all, Yeah. Meantime, in the land of work...

June. Corporate ladder. Climbing it.

[June Gardens]

WHAT BOOK? Also, as I said YESTERDAY, it is called Old Booth or Old Photos or something.

[The Furry Godmother loves the photos of Eds!]

Kudos on paying off the credit card. I'm wrapping up a HUGE commission this week. I was going to buy myself a new bird, but following your example, I will pay on my credit line.

Maturity sucks.

[Mommie Dearest]

The book is called Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.

I looked, but didn't see the name. But I haven't had my second cup of coffee yet so still not quite focused. Sorry!!

[Letha,]

Meantime, in the Land of Work.
It would suck to be prevented from editing after posting. One should be able to control one's own comments, uh, work.

[Mary Lou doesn't need the teensy Iris poo but thanks anyway-]

Eds!
What was he de-stuffing this time?
Hope he didn't gnaw on that shoe- it's cute.
And half-Lu is hilarious!
Also love kitteh paws-
Congrats on paying off the card- the first step is always the hardest but you'll probably find it easier with the next one and it's a great feeling to have one less to worry about!
Just when I was thinking how disturbing the photos looked, Iris appeared and scared the bejeezus outa me... but I do love the hat-
Glad you had fun bowwwling-
No June?
No Fun Committee-

[June Gardens]

Oh, RIGHT! You said that.

[Amara wishes she had that kind of money to spend on a partay]

Hey for all of you that didn't see the wedding thing I found a clip on Hulu (and I had no idea who anyone was until June talked about it) http://www.hulu.com/watch/322085/the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-pandoras-wedding only 3 minutes and I didn't feel sound was necessary either --I just wanted to see sparkles. there were plenty.

[Mary V]

I haven't dreamt about Pinterest yet but I was running letter-into-words combinations through my mind last night from the new Scramble game I am playing on my phone. Couldn't sleep thinking of words. Bad.
The photos are more disturbing today yet still funny. What's the name of the app?

[PJ]

When you send me my piece of Iris poo, please pick the cat litter bits out first.

Thank you

[June Gardens]

OHMYGODAMNOTSAYINGNAMEOFAPPAGAIN.

[Mary V]

See? I stampeded right to the comment area and didn't read through them first. Thanks for the app name - I will go look it up.

[June Gardens]

Poor Mary.

[PJ Yes, my eyes were standing in line at the grocery store. The rest of me was under the quilt at home.]

While standing in line at the grocery store yesterday my eyes were roaming over the prominately-displayed-for-impulse-buyers Valentine's Day candy. And what jumped out, screaming and waving at me, but the Hello Kitty something or others. June. Jumping around in my head since 2010.

[June Gardens]

Ooo! Theres Hello Kitty something-or-others?

[PJ]

It's no secret, no surprise. Come for the comedy and pathos and stay to get yelled at.

By the way, you were going to send me that adorable sparkly starfish that you bought at Friend's store.

[June Gardens]

Oh, I WAS NOT, PJ!!!

[Kit, in the 'boro]

June, let's go to this asylum...
http://trans-alleghenylunaticasylum.com/

have you heard about it?

[Sadie - Way to break a hundred, June, even without the Hello Kitty bowling ball.]

Tallulah looks like she is saying, "Mom, do U SEE what Edsul iz doing? Y U bring him here when Lu such a good dog?"

[Anita (who thought of Cora when June said, Poor Mary?)]

Lisa's ass looked HUGE in that dress. Mother could pull it off so much better. And were those sparkles on the father's lapels?

[June Gardens]

Kit,
ROAD TRIP!
XO,
June

[The Zadge]

Chic, chic, chic, as the whack job wedding planner said. Did you see the live thing after RHOBH? Where the classy and smart Brandi Glanville blurted out that she slept with Gerard Butler last July, For a week.

And, thank you for the Eds photos. He really is so handsome and muscular. Like Gerard Butler, but with better taste.

[June Gardens]

Now, see, two people have quoted Kevin, and I thought he was saying chi-chi-chi. As in, when you say something is chi-chi. Which I hate, by the way.

[Letha,]

Gerard Butler is dead to me.

[Letha,]

Or maybe she was lying?

[June Gardens]

I still like Brandi. And if I had humped Gerard Butler I certainly would tell everyone.

[Lisa TPO]

Is Iris's poop really small? Somehow I find that endearing. (?!) Maybe we can grab lunch together at the asylum and discuss the Father-of-the-Bride's wedding speech.

I weighed it and found it lacking.
Did not make me tear up at all.
Much less so than, say, tiny recycled cat food.

[Karla--,Happy it is Wednesday, my favorite day of the week!]

I do not watch the Real Houzwives of anything. Please send my I-poo to PJ, as she seems to be expecting it!

[June Gardens]

I know! I so wanted to cry during Kens speech. Maybe he should have run it by Lisa. Oh, wait...

[Shannon]

I am a social worker and have worked at several facilities of which you speak. Technically, they are now called psychiatric hospitals (although asylum sounds awesomely creepy). These are a few of the gems I picked up along the way from coworkers:

Loony bin
Nut barn (my personal favorite)
Crazy house
Peanut gallery

[Beverly]

I have no doubt you would tell us if you humped Gerard Butler. After all, you told us all about humping an air mattress. Ha ha!

[Lisa TPO]

Brandi,

Eat me.

Love,
A Cheeseburger, Fries and Chocolate Shake

[Mary Lou doesn't need the teensy Iris poo but thanks anyway-]

"Retiring to Bedlam"-Bethlem Royal Hospital in London

[M Not that I have a problem with people breakin' wind]

Still, I thought Paul's colonoscopy was hardly pertinent to the show.

[June Gardens]

Why DID we have to see that? I never like watching them. I think they are an annoying couple.

[Just Paula.]

Furry, what's the matter with your old bird?

[M Not that I have a problem with people breakin' wind]

I wonder how many packs a day Adrienne has to smoke to make her voice sound that raspy?

[Just Paula.]

Cracker Factory.

[June Gardens]

Plus, her little tag line at the beginning bugs me. Having it all is easy, IF youre willing to work for it. She pronounces it, et, and she came from a wealthy family. So how hard did she work for it, really?

[M]

I think expressionless Camille annoys me more than any of them.

[June Gardens]

I used to mind Camille, but now shes better. Adrienne really got on my nerves this year when she doubted Taylor and acted like the abused women expert. Her ignorance was astonishing and I really wanted to slap her, ironically.

[Beverly]

I need some Iris poo because this is all bloo de bloo blah to me.

[M]

My vote for favorite housewife of the season was braless Brandi.BTW who the hell is the chubby chick Dana that keeps crashing the show?

[Amish Annie/Paul HEY, why no pictures of Poochie's bowling shoes?!?]

Housewives
Bloop-de-bloo
In care of PJ goes my poo

[June Gardens]

Words cannot describe my utter annoyance and downright dislike for chubby Dana.

[Anita]

I love your little poem Amish. You are so very talented.

PJ is going to have a crap load of poo on her doorstep.

[Sadie - PJ, just kidding!]

When you send all of the poo to PJ be sure to add sparkles and form it into the shape of a starfish.

[The Furry Godmother easy prey for animals.]

Oh, my other birds are fine, chatty, singing poop machines, Paula. I just really, really want this uber expensive sun conure baby I saw picking up some food for them. Gah. It kept reaching out for my finger.

I fell for it immediately.

Reminded me of a parrot in my twenties at my favorite pet store. Every time I walked by, he held out his foot and said, "Hold me." He wasn't for sale or he'd be sitting on my shoulder as I type this.

[Amish Annie/Paul HEY, why no pictures of Poochie's bowling shoes?!?]

Thanks Anita. I know I'm not great like Jan or The Poet but I try.

PJ made me laugh when she said she won the starfish and then Sadie just cracked me up.

[Just Paula.]

Oh, good, Furry. And I'm glad you didn't misunderstand and think I was calling Terra an old bird.

I have never desired a bird as a pet.

[June Gardens]

Paula kills me. And have I ever told you how my Uncle Jims bird said, GOD DAMMIT! in exactly the same annoyed way Uncle Jim did?

[Beverly]

Have I ever told you that I also have an Uncle Jim? As well as an Uncle Bill and Aunt Kathy? Sadly, Uncle Bill passed away last year though and Aunt Kathy is missing him like crazy. Of course, I have 18 aunts and uncles so chances are we may have other names in common since I have so many of them.

[June Gardens]

Well that is just weird, though. Do you have an Aunt Wa? Because I had an Aunt Wa.

[original joann who likes to bowl with bumpers]

Brandi is awesome. And guess what? Gerard sleeps with everybody, because he is a ho. A hot, magnificent, apparently quite proficient, Scottish ho.

This is one of my favorite kissing scenes of all time even though, Hillary Horse-Face is the one getting kissed by that hot Scot.

All men should study this kiss.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PyuSSP63Dg

[The Furry Godmother easy prey for animals.]

Bah! You would if one pleaded for you to give it a hug every time you passed by. Or you know, cursed like a sailor at you.

[June Gardens]

Mint.com just emailed me. Dear Mint.com: Eat my shorts.

You’re over budget for Hair

CATEGORY Hair
    
BUDGETED AMOUNT $0
    
ACTUAL SPENDING  $75

You spent $75 on Hair this month. But your budget doesnt call for any spending until February. You might want to update that budget -- and be careful! Get back on track by updating your budgets or creating new ones.

[Letha,]

Ha! I love birds that cuss. My aunt and uncle took in a cockatiel after its owner died, and found out after the fact that the bird said SHIT and GO TO HELL. They were quite proper, so were mortified. They confessed it to us, but my aunt made a cover (to match her couch) for the cage and they covered him up whenever anyone came to visit.

[Anita]

Oh my Joann, his soft whispery voice was a nice touch. But what the heck, where did she end up going??

[Just Paula.]

Maybe. But there's still the issue of the mid-flight poop. Can they be trained?

[Beverly]

I cannot say that I have an Aunt Wa. I wish I did though because that's an awesome name.

[Becky]

I don't know who any of these people are, but that video still had me sobbing. Especially the end where the dad says, "I'm just sharing her," and the mom says she'd like to go back 25 years and do it all over again. If I'm sobbing at strangers online, what will I do at my own daughter's wedding? It won't be pretty. My gasping sobs will drown out the wedding march.

[June Gardens]

Aunt Wa was underrated. One tended to notice my grandmother, who was just blatantly funny, but Aunt Wa was funny, too. I have her furniture form the 40s (bedroom set--vanity, dresser, headboard) and I love it. Go, Aunt Wa!

[June Gardens]

Oh, see, I already forgot he said he was just sharing her. Iris was a mess at that point.

[The Zadge]

Did you know that Adrienne went to college on a TENNIS scholarship?! Oh, and also on the live thing after RHoBH, Brandi openly admitted she has implants, grabbing them and saying they are "baby ones." Only she could make Leanne Rhimes look classy.

[original joann who likes to bowl with bumpers]

Anita, he sang in a pub at night. She said she would look for him that night and if they found each other, it would be fate.

They found each other.

You should see that movie--PS I love You. It's so girlie fabulous.

The only unbelievable thing about it was Gerard Butler, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Harry Connick, Jr were all in love with Hilary Horse Face.

[The Zadge]

Oh, and why has no one brought up the yellow clog on the bookshelf?

[Anita]

Harry is in it too?? I will google the other dude.

[Jill Munroe...who is desperately looking forward to the RHoBH reunion next week!]

1. LOVE the assy Edsel/perfect Lu photo!

G. Pandora's wedding was FABULOUS! I think it would be great fun to be friends with Lisa. I like how she's a no bullshit kinda gal!

*^%. Adrienne, Paul & Dana suck ass. They all need to be voted off the island.

[Anita ( it's not on stupid Netflix)]

HE DIES!!!

[Anita ( it's not on stupid Netflix)]

Zadge, you may need to get your eyes checked.
1) the shoe has been mentioned
z) that is not a bookshelf

[Helpful Sadie better get back to work.]

Zadge, Nancy first mentioned the shoe at 8:45 followed by MaryLou at 9:20. I had to look back to make sure I hadn't imagined it being mentioned.

[original joann who likes to bowl with bumpers]

I know, but when he's alive, he is Hot!

And there's lots of other hot men to make up for Gerard's hot death.

[June Gardens]

Oh thank god everyone already said this and I didnt have to yell again.

[June Gardens]

A book shelf. I love to read bricks.

[Sadie - She may not have been talking about me.]

Anita, as Letha says, "Great minds think alike."

[Mil]

do you ever watch the Tori Spelling show? can't remember what it is called this season...anyhoo...they had a birthday party for their 3 year old. It was ALL HELLO KITTY. Hello Kitty cake that was as big as Tori Spelling, Hello Kitty crafts, Hello Kitty herself showed up. It was like a Sanrio store puked in their backyard and it was beautiful.

[PJ has left the room.]

whispering very very softly...I do not get Hello Kitty.

And you cannot hurt me because I have already hidden in my super secret Safe Room.

[June Gardens]

Do you get my FIST, PJ??????

[The Zadge doesn't get Hello Kitty either.]

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, MY EYES ARE 47 YEARS OLD!

[Kira]

But...when you have your million dollar, sparkle-strewn wedding, are you really going to wear a gown of such heft that it forces you to lumber down the aisle?

[June Gardens]

They ALL seemed like they were hurtling down that aisle, didnt they? Were they stepping over poor people?

[The Furry Godmother easy prey for animals.]

Hey, June. Do those garden clogs have ladybugs on them? 'Cause I have a pair that look like those.

[June Gardens]

They do. I keep them there on the bookshelf to wear when I am reading my brick books.

[Poochie (wishing I could find the Hello Kitty Converse high-tops)]

I like Hello Kitty because they have a Hello Kitty version of everything. So, I can add all this crazy pink stuff to a very boring office. Hello Kitty clipboard - check! Hello Kitty pens - check! Hello Kitty umbrella - check! Etc.

But I have zero Hello Kitty at home (except for the bowling ball). For those of you who don't get/like Hello Kitty, you will like this site - http://www.kittyhell.com/

[Chris]

Who said they didn't get Hello Kitty? It must have been Carin. Or Chris. That's it! It was Chris.

[June Gardens]

I was catching up on the news. http://www.tmz.com/2012/01/25/rumer-willis-photos-demi-moore-hospital/#.TyBJqmDgJuU Please read the first comment. Dying.

[Nancy is a bit obsessed with reading bricks Rainey]

Ok, so I come back HOURS after posting about the shoe (and cleaning up tiny Shiba-poops in my shoes) and find that is what the conversation circled back to address! haha. June, the book mentioned is by Ransom Riggs and it is called Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. Here is a link to a trailer made to advertise the book. IT IS AWESOME! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVegDhDxLeU
You must watch...you must watch...you must read...all of you! It is really good! Seriously.

[Terri]

Poochie did you see the cute cute cute Hello Kitty car I posted on Lu's FB page yesterday? You need one also too!

[Nancy is a bit obsessed with reading bricks and old photos Rainey]

Also, June- knowing we share a love of old photos, I am telling you this is the book for you. If you hate it, I'll personally send you the $ spent. Do not kindle it - get the real thing so you can see the pictures!

[Ruby Blue, asylum no more; quiet room now; come out when app is gone.]

Not asylum, no, not ever. I never go to the asylum. I go to the Quiet Room. It's nice in the Quiet Room. That app? the one nobody remembers the name of? That's the kind of thing that sends me to the Quiet Room.