A post about everything and nothing. Aka what else is new.

I just got back from having dinner with The Other June, and I am writing this before I go to bed. I have a dentist appointment early Thursday morning, so I am writing my post at night, and let me tell you. Things are fascinating over here at House of June.

I hate getting my teeth cleaned. It makes me nervous. And my dentist always comes in after and says, "Mmm. MMMMM! Oh, mmmm. Yeah, how long have you had that old filling?" He's always trying to get ye olde filling replaced that Benjamin Franklin put in for me in 1742, and hadn't Benjamin Franklin been long dead by 1742? June. Knowing her history.

Anyway, my blacksmithed filling is still working FINE, and I don't see why it can't stay in there. It makes a great weather vane, too!

In other news, The Other June and I had a delicious dinner at a pretentious restaurant that serves Southern food, which is kind of redundant. I mean, we're in the South. It's kind of funny to me that they have a fancy restaurant where you can go get...Southern food. Nevertheless, everything was just effing delicious and I highly recommend it. It's called the Southern something-or-other. Get there tout suite.

After dinner, The O.J. came to my house so she could meet Iris and Lily. In the time she has known me, she has met baby Henry,

Baby Roger:

Baby Anderson Cooper:

and now baby Iris.

(I didn't just take that while she's right here on me or anything.) (purring and clutching the pearls.)

Could I stop PLOWING THROUGH CATS, PLEASE?

Also, she came to visit not-baby Lily.

*You understand Lily pretty-est cat ever. That go wifout saying.*

Lily gets her own font, with asterisks, she is so pretty.

And in case you wonder what the hell happened to all those cats because you just got here last Tuesday or something, Marvin took Henry when he left, then delicate, gay Anderson hated living with dogs so I said to Marvin, "Maybe you'd better take Anderson too." So now Anderson and Henry live in connubial bliss, even though I don't really know what connubial means. Then Roger got killed last month and let's talk about that a lot because that doesn't still make me miserable to think about our anything, so I got Iris and Lily at the pound just now.

Anyway. Oh! And before I got up with The Other June and we had our redundant Southern food and she once again met some cats I got, I got me a manicure over at the Elegant Nails & Tan. To which I say, "Define elegant."

My point is, my manicurist talked me into getting this gel manicure, which supposedly will stay on for the rest of my life.

The color is Lincoln Park After Dark, and I had better like it, because apparently I'm being buried in it.

We had a big talk, the manicurist and I, about how she studied French in high school and then in college studied accounting and forgot all her French, then got here and knew very little English. I always wonder how bad it must be to have to move here, give up all that schooling, thrust yourself into a country where you don't know the language, and have to work six days a week as a manicurist.

She works way more than 40 hours a week. She works the whole time the salon is open. How dreadful. Oh! And the woman next to me works for the place that invented those faces on trees. You know how you can buy those woody-looking faces for your tree? Yeah. Also, before she left for her manicure, she told her husband, "I put dinner in the oven, but you have to check it once in awhile." He said, "Well, what am I looking for?"

She was irritated. Also there were two women there getting pedicures and drinking wine. The woman who invented the tree faces told me those women come in all the time. Bring their own cooler. I noticed it took them an hour and a half to drink one glass of wine. What is the point of schlepping a whole cooler of alcohol to the pedicure place if you're not going to drink alcoholically?

I guess that's all I have to tell you. Except that we have a new woman at work and I love her. Today she wore a leopard skirt, a pink shirt with a big flowery frilly thing, and pink sparkly shoes. And she has this framed print in her office that is a picture of Cinderella, and the picture is from the book I had as a kid.

I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN about this picture but then it all came back to me. This lead me to bring in my fairy tale book from my childhood, which had the most beautiful pictures:

Oh, I used to sit for hours and stare at these pictures. Here is lofty Edsel-looking wolf putting his paw on Little Red June.

I always wanted to find elf and bird tea parties. And did I? Not till I did hallucinogens in college.

I actually have never done hallucinogens. Unless you count Benadryl, which makes me see funny colors and jump off high-rises because suddenly I have peacock wings that fly.

Dude, my swan allergies are killing me. Dude, my princess allergies are killing ME!

I should totally frame these, shouldn't I? Aren't they beautiful? When I really couldn't read I used to make up stories that went with them, kind of like now with the swan allergy story. Not much has changed through the years, except now I apparently have Lincoln Park on my nails for life.

Hold still, darling, and we'll just jooge your flower a little and--voila! FABULOUUUUS! Ernesto, bring that mirror, you lazy antelope. You'd let the lion eat you if it meant moving off the plain while Real Serengeti Wives was on. Oh, sweetheart, you're GORGEOUS! I could EAT YOU UP if I weren't a grass-eating queen!

Maybe I need to get out more.

Talk to you tomorrow, when I have sparkly new teeth. I mean, except for ye olde fyllyng from Geoffrey Chaucer.

Comments

[Renee]

June, you ROCK! Love your posts.

[The Furry Godmother wants to be invited to the Elf and Bird Tea Party, please!]

Ohhh! Gel manicure! I got one before New Year's Eve and great googly moogly, I thought it would never come off! Wouldn't come off with remover. Finally peeled off. But it stayed shiny and pretty the whole two and a half weeks.

Seriously. You will be wearing it forever.

[Target Steve. Who finally performed a RAoK Tuesday.]

I would tell you that the dentist is worried about your fillings having Freddie Mercury in them, thus, causing you all kinds of medical issues; but I would not want to plant that seed in your delicate brain.

Have a good day.

[Lisa]

June. You should donate your brain to science because there's some special kind of something going on in there! You are wired for hilarious!

Not now, with the brain. After you're done using it!

[Just Paula.]

DYING. *wiping tears from eyes*

The show, Once Upon A Time, is based on a fairy tale book like yours. COINCIDENCE? Or are you owed royalties? AGAIN.

[Becky]

SO WEIRD that you are showing illustrations from old children's books in your post. I am up late (just after 4 a.m. here on the west coast) because I just finally got a Pinterest account and spent the last few hours uploading pictures of old children's book illustrations that I love. Would you mind sharing the name of the artist who illustrated your book? I have never seen these illustrations before.

And now off to bed. Damn Pinterest. It's so fun, but totally addicting.

[the one and only original joann—OJ]

Those illustrations are beautiful.

I had a fairy tale book I loved, but it was a great big red book with not as many illustrations. But it was packed with every fairy tale.

I also had the Disney set of books. There were 4 of them and one book was all their Disney stories, like that Cinderella up there and Dumbo and Snot White and the rest of the crew. Man, how I loved that book.

I have a funny story about my dentist that I'll make quick, which by the way, my dentist is SUPER hot!

I can't tell this story on my blog, due to HIPPA and the fact that my entire dentist office reads my blog. My sister was in town last week and she offered to take my daughter to her 6 month check up. Now, my sister has the weirdest things happen to her. Freak things all the time. So, she's sitting in the waiting room waiting for my Julia when someone starts screaming, like shrieking and wailing from somewhere in the back. My sister jumps up and asks the receptionist what's going on. The receptionist tells my sister there's nothing to worry about and that it's not Julia doing the screaming. This screaming continues the whole time my sister's there. She said it got so bad, a patient sitting there waiting, bolted out the door. My dentist, by the way, is one of those gentle dentists. Before Julia and my sister made it home, one of the girls from the dentist office called me to explain. They have a patient who is terrified of dentists and so they sedate her for all her cleanings. She started screaming while under and they couldn't get her to stop. The dentist checked on Julia while she was getting her teeth cleaned, to see if she was okay. He told her she could reschedule, but this is my child, she thought it was hilarious and she and the hygienist laughed through the whole checkup. My sister, on the other hand, was wondering what the hell kind of dentist we use.

[the one and only original joann—OJ]

Uh, that would be SNOW White. Snot White is a different story, a never-ending story in my house of teenage girls.

[Amy in MD]

I didn't realize Chaucer was a dentist, but it totally makes sense. His stories go on and on, they kind of ramble, and when you try to talk about the same stuff you're all mumbly. (At least I am. I can't speak Old English clearly.)

[Laurie in Texas (Geez, it's early)]

That last picture and your caption makes me think of Katniss Everdeen and her prep crew from The Hunger Games. I only read that book because of the hype, but I liked it and am now on to book two. Your brain is amazing! AND Lincoln Park After Dark is a great color!

[Texas Kari who had a well stocked bookshelf as a kid.]

June, your childhood book is in remarkably good condition. My childhood books look much rougher due to the fact that as a child I had a book in my hand at all times. Went everywhere with them. Dragged them around like Linus with a blankie.
Those illustrations remind me a little of Jan Brett's illustrations.

[Just Paula.]

Snot White!

[Kristi]

High-larious! And I'm with Paula. Royalties are due you again from Once Upon A Time. Love that show!

I'm afraid of the gel manicure because I really messed up my nails with acrylics for years. I know it's not the same, but I don't want to get sucked in again. I do love me some Lincoln Park After Dark though, and also it's sister We'll Always Have Paris.

[Kathy F.]

Can you give us a picture of the front cover? Publisher info? etc.? I would love to find a copy of this book!

[Hulk (What the Eff is HIPPA?)]

OJ, When we are at Magic Kingdom together I want a picture of us with Snow White except I want you to be handing her a Kleenex...

[Carol from Bama]

Hulk, if you were in the health industry you would know what HIPAA is. I work for (gasp) a health insurance company and we have had to deal with that for years. Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. That is why you sign that paper of confidentiality whenever you go to the dentist, doctor, etc. Just another acronym created by ye old government.

[Mother]

Oh I remember those book. It's so good to see them again. I think Benjamin Franklin was around for the Revolution, so he was definitely around after 1742.

[Jeanie]

Great manicure and color, June. Did you come to Sacramento for it? I also went to a salon called Elegant Nails & Tan here in Sac. The owner worked seven days a week from at least 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. and was open most holidays. After 20 years I finally quit going to her because she ALWAYS managed to hurt me. (I'm a quick study.) Love the kittehs and the childhood book. Now I'm waiting for news and pix of Talu and the Eds with their new manners. Taking my formerly stray dog in for booster shots this morning. My son picked him up off the street about three years ago. I figure my son owes me roughly $1,000 now for Chance's neutering, various vaccines and an ear infection.

[Amish Annie-Paul continues to be amazed and amused at how June's brain works]

Gorgeous illustrations. But I absolutely love the Cinderella book cover. I am mesmerized by that.

New Sparkly Co-worker's outfit sounds gorgeous as well. Too bad we don't have a picture, pink and leopard print is irresistible.

[Suzanne]

I remember that Cinderella Book cover. I was so glad I did not have stepsisters or a wus for a dad.

[sandra]

Becky, I want to find you on pinterest, I am hooked on that website and want to see the pictures you pinned!
I have some of my old childhood books and even my mom's book of Fairytales, love them so much, especially the pictures

[Sadie - Snot White just about killed me. Thanks, Original Joann.]

What a beautiful book. With illustrations like that, I would have been looking at it constantly.

I'm picturing your teeth all sparkly like the lady in the chewing gum commercial. You will be blinding your co-workers with your dazzling smile.

[KatieKazoo is just one baby kitteh away from becoming a crazy cat lady]

I realized something today, as I admired picture after picture of baby kittehs. I am jealous, jealous of June because she has a revolving door through which baby kittehs come. Yes, I am very sad about Roger. Sorry that Anderson had to go to a quieter home. And I love my ten-year old boy asleep at my feet with all my heart.

But, I miss having baby kittehs.

[Your Pal from MA]

You are ON A ROLL of late my dear Jooneth.

I loooooove baby Iris and un-baby Lily. They were truly meant to be sisters!

And Lily really is the prettiest little thing. A diminutive Horkie!

LOVE!

[Amara HATES the gas. I always feel like I'm drowning.]

Hilarious today! I hope we all get the info on that book. It's gorgeous. So was the dental patient under the gas AND screaming? That is so odd. Was it a reaction to the sedation or was the sedative not working?

[why in the hell isn't it friday? dancer]

Lincoln Park After Dark is delish.

Hulkster - are you really meeting up with OJ for Disneywhatever? That would be several posts. Two sharp witted people ye is.

Hi June!

[Auntie M]

The beautiful fairy tale book belonged to me. My mother gave it to me for Christmas when I was 8--in the 50's. I charished that book and as an adult I reealized that book is why I love gems. Those beautiful illustrations shaped my life. When I was in college my mother gave the book to June without my permision. I always missed that book. A few years ago June realized she still had it and sent it to me. I found a copy for her. I treasure June & the book.

[Mary Ellen from Napa (sometimes clueless here)]

June, if you ever run out of things to blog about, you oould narrate the rest of the pictures from that book of fairy tales. Too funny!

[the one and only original joann—OJ]

Amara, they said when the screamer woke up, she said, "Oh, that was great. I didn't feel a thing."

[Jan Poet Laureat of my generation]

You are on fire! For a post about nothing, this was hilarious. Wait. Now Seinfeld will owe you royalties because you obviously were making something hilarious out of nothing.

By the way, Ben Franklin died in 1790. You're welcome.

I found my dreadful poems. I couldn't find them after looking through 3 bins in the basement. As I frantically looked, I was thinking, "They'll never believe I couldn't find them!" Then I became obsessed, after realizing they were out there for anyone (my husband and children) to read. Then I went into panic mode. I came upstairs, brewed a cup of tea and facebook stalked people for about 15 minutes. Then I went back downstairs, refreshed and found them. I was so relieved. I was dying when I read them. I'm going to email the worst ones to June today.

[Amish Annie/Paul]

Auntie M, cute story!

[Heather P-possibly the tackiest person alive!]

Squee-Jan found her poems!
Did any of you watch Modern Family last night? The whole wedding dresses with lights was like an episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding! It was awesome!

[June Gardens]

Jan, I would say that I feel bad for making you go through all that, but really I am just kind of gleeful with anticipation.

[June Gardens]

I love Modern Family and I never remember when it is on. Also, Aunt Mary was such a dragon lady when she saw I had that book.
THATS MY BOOK! she said when she was visiting me once in LA.
Oh, it is? I said, unconcerned.
IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT BOOK FOR YEARS! HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Geez. Um. Grammy gave it to me when I was little?
GIVE IT BAAAAACKKK! she screeched. Then she sent me the new version that I have now. Which is funny, because once she got her original back, she saw the new version in a store window a few months later, after all those years of wondering about it.
Have you ever noticed I accuse everyone of screeching?

[Peter, who WAS Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man.]

I wish I'd taken a few of those recreational hallucinogens when I went to the dentist as a kid. Our family dentist had a horrible speech impediment, like Colin Firth in The King's Speech with marbles in his mouth. And, to make things even jollier, this guy didn't believe that children needed Novacaine for fillings--of which I had many. It's a wonder I'm not drooling into a cup.

[Mary Lou thinks she may have been one of Chaucer's first victims/patients at Ye Olde Dental Schoole]

Lovely manicure, June- I think Sofia Vergara said LPitD is her favourite colour, so you are in excellent company!
You've been blessed with a bevy of gorgeous kittehs but Lily really IS the fairest of them all!
Your fairy tale book is beautiful and so is Auntie M-
I'm thinking you're going to have A LOT of fun with your new co worker-especially shopping!

[Tee, Snot White cracked me up.]

Auntie M, so glad you shared. I had a book like that as well, but was thinking, nah, I'm too old because I would have had my treasured book in the 50s as well. I wonder what ever happened to all my books?!

Ole Ben was around until the late 18th century and I think your dentist will be getting a lot of Ben Franklins out of you if you start replacing those mercury filings, which really isn't a bad idea since they do have MERCURY in them.

Loved all the photos of the kitties and Lily is beautiful. Iris is so sweet and growing like a weed. I'm not sure that's an appropriate comparison.

This post is hilarious and I love, love, love your imagination.

[Lisa]

We never got the novacaine either. Too expensive. My mother wrote the book on cheap. Wrote. The. Book. Nay. The BIBLE. Chapter One: "How to Stretch That Seemingly Empty Bottle of Ketchup by Simply Adding Water!" Now? She shops daily, buying crap she doesn't need, including lots and lots of condiments.

[Anita (Ernesto!! That is the name of my imaginary pool boy.)]

I could EAT YOU UP if I weren't a grass-eating queen! Oh that killed me!

The screamer would have freaked me out. There was a screamer when delivered my first son. I was scared shitless. The nurse told me she was having a hard time delivering the placenta so they had to pull it out. Like that was supposed to ease my mind.

[Just Paula.]

Anita, mine is Rico.

[June Gardens]

He wore a diamond.

[Anita]

Paula, Eduardo fills in for him on his days off. They are twins.

[Amish Annie/Paul]

Hmmmmm, Cesare takes a few days off at a time; he better not be all up in Paula's grill at those times.

[Amish Annie/Paul]

OR ANITA'S!

[Pamela Soul Sister #2]

Love the cat photos! And the gorgeous illustrations! That was a funny story about the book, as told by Auntie M and June. Explains why it is in such good condition!

This reminds me of what a mission I was on to find black fairy tales for my daughter and how happy I was when I found a series of them. Gotta dig those books out this weekend. They were like the freakin' Holy Grail to me back then!

I am overdue for my dental visit, I am ashamed to say. I blame my mother, who took me to a butcher of a dentist when I was a child. I have never recovered and should really look into that sedation thing. It takes me a year to recover between visits, then I always have to hear "the lecture" when I go back. Dreadful. I will book my appointment...soon!

Ohhhh Pinterest! I am obsessed with Pinterest! You don't have to have a crafty bone in your body to enjoy it! Pinning is my way of relaxing before bed each night. I know! BLOOP DE BLOOP! Sorry, but I just LOVE IT!

[Just Paula.]

Yes, Rico wore a diamond. JUST a diamond. And a smile.

[DonnafromBoulder-My pool boy is Guillermo.]

I hope you throat-punched the lady who invented the tree faces. Because in the entire existence of the world there has never been anything creepier. Every time I see them in the hardware store I wonder who came up with these and why? why? why? would someone buy one?

[Anita]

Where exactly did he wear this diamond?

[June Gardens]

Throat-punched. Next time I see her over there at Elegant Nails Tan, I will do so in your honor. I mean, once you add Tan, you have pretty much assured us there will be little to no elegance in your establishment.

[Kristianna]

It's a well known fact that Zombie Ben Franklin was one of the founding fathers.

[suburbancorrespondent]

What I can't understand is when we get into Virginia and every other place offers a "Plantation Breakfast." What? Is it served by slaves? And, oh, weren't those the good old days!

[Amish Annie/Paul, Oh crap Anita, you meant Paula's Rico, sorry! I also forgot to mention you see Cesare's diamond teeth because he is puking his guts out when I walk out in a bikini]

Cesare wears his diamonds lining his teeth. Just his two front ones though. He's shy so you really only see them when I walk out in my bikini.

[Just Paula.]

He had a pierced ear!

[Letha, do I need to call SPCPB]

WORE a diamond? HAD a pierced ear? What have you done with him??

[the one and only original joann—OJ]

The nail salon by my house does manicures, tanning, waxing AND teeth bleaching.

[Mary V]

I so had that Cinderella book! Or it was my daughter's. Either way. Loved it! The other book looks a little creepyish to me. But I loved: "You'd let the lion eat you if it meant moving off the plain while Real Serengeti Wives was on." Almost BAH'ed out loud at work. And Lily is lovely - she deserves her own pink font.

As for the nails, even if it lasted forever, I would get tired of the same color. Who wants to look at the same thing forever?

[The Furry Godmother]

The only problem with the nails is that, well, your nails grow. So, after a while it just looks stupid, but you can't get it off. They come off like little petals after a while.

And that book really is gorgeous.

[Amber]

Lincoln Park After Dark is all the rage here in California too. I hear women asking for it all the time when I am at the nail place. Please let us know how those gels hold up; I'm considering getting a set. Oh, and that Cinderella book is gorgeous.

[DB in MD]

I love, love, love the tufts of hair both Iris and Lily have coming out of their ears. If they lived with me, I'd be chasing them around all day wanting to fluff them up even more. And this is probably why I don't have a cat.

[Just Paula.]

DB in MD, I believe the official term is "floof."

[DB in MD]

I want to fluff their floof.

[Lily]

Leef Lily floof alones.

[Hulk (Thinks all chicks should be waxed, tan and painted up...)]

Sounds like a full day, OJ...

[Anita (where the heck does it all come from?)]

Tuffs of hair coming out of the ears look so cute on kitties. Not so much on men though.

[Tee]

Anita, I think the hair migrates down from their head to their ears.

[Poochie]

I feel honored to be mentioned in this post and to share love of fairy tale books, pink sparkly shoes and obvious good taste with the authoress.

[Amy in MD]

Pamela Soul Sister #2: try different dentists! I had dental phobia from the horrible old white guy who used to torture me when I was a kid. A decade ago I finally summoned the courage to go to a dentist's office who specialized in nervous patients. While I was there, this black kid in jeans and a t-shirt ducked in while I was with the hygienist, said hi, and peered into my mouth. I figured he was some kind of dental intern. But when I asked, nope, that was the dentist! He didn't look at ALL like creepy old dental torturer guy, and he didn't tweak my phobias. I actually like going to see my dentist now. Maybe you can find somebody like that for you. A small asian dental chick in a miniskirt, a hispanic dental mom in sweats.. just somebody that is unlike whoever gave you your phobia to start with.

[Pamela/Soul Sister #2]

Amy...for the last 6 or 7 years I've been seeing this kinda mean eastern European woman who is good but, well, mean! She takes whatever my insurance gives her without me coming out of pocket and she has done some impressive work on my mouth. But, I think you are right...I need to find someone like the dude in the jeans! How cool! Lucky you!

[The Other Erin]

Lily totally has a British accent in my head, with that pink font and the asterisks.

[Hulk (Nice to meet you, Poochie. Now run. Run like you have never run before in your life, lest this black hole suck you up and you will be lost forever. Well...it's not that bad. Really...)]

June-
Seriously. Is that the first thing you say to people when you meet them? "Hi. Nice to meet you. I HAVE A BLOG!!! GO READ IT!!!