Am I breathing?!?!

I overslept today, although I didn't JUST wake up or anything, which would be pathetic. A few weeks ago, my good alarm clock stopped, you know, alarming me. It still tells the time, but the alarm stopped going off, which is an issue. And you know who doesn't care if I get up? My dogs. They just burrow in and keep with the sleeping, is what they do.

So I went to Target, as I am wont to do, and got me a Hello Kitty alarm clock for $9, which is delightful, except it has no snooze. So every morning at 7:00 Hello Kitty wakes me up and Hello Dogs burrow in and we sleep another half hour till I go OHMYGOD and bound out of bed.

Today I turned off the kitty who greets me and woke up at 7:54. I am supposed to be at work at 8:30. Nice. Looking groomed and put together today. And not at all haphazard.

Therefore I just ordered this:

 

It's a Pink Moonbeam clock, which is just like the clock I already had whose alarm stopped alarming, except that one was blue.

I think "pink moonbeam" might be my favorite pair of words in the English language. Along with "free kittens."

While I'm writing this, my $20 kitten (they were having a special at the shelter when I got her, did I tell you that? I didn't get a discount because she's blind of anything) is BUGGING ME. First she was biting my necklace, and now she's biting the camera cord.

Bugging. Lucky that she is a muffin muffin muffin wif white feets.

Note I still have a wrinkle in my forehead. Am waiting for Botox to kick in, and because it hasn't, have convinced self that botulism is spreading my throat as we speak and all day I keep asking myself, "Am I breathing?!" It's fun to be me.

Tonight, if the botulism doesn't kill me, I'm going dancing with some of the Spanish editors. At work we have regular English-language editors, and then we have these editors who come from all over, who speak Spanish and can edit Spanish.

Guess who's more fun, in the grand scheme of things? Sometimes a bunch of the Spanish editors will be talking, because in general they're more sociable than the English editors, (and perhaps you picture me as someone who flits from desk to desk all day, just visiting. I am not that person, in fact. My job requires QUIET and NOT BEING BUGGED, VILHELM OYSTER, MY ANNOYING COWORKER WHO IS NOT AN EDITOR!!!) and I'll walk by them in my inevitable outfit of gray. Or black. Or black and gray. And I swear to you all of them, the men and the women, are wearing

TURQUOISE!

MELON!

MMMMMAGENTA!

and they all smell really good. Good cologne must be a thing when you're, you know, not a boring editor of the English.

Anyway, we're going dancing someplace I've never heard of and I am excited.

Oh, and in other news, I might be a lesbian. I may have been watching that show where Tabitha takes over ("ova") salons, and now inexplicably she is taking over other businesses, and the other day she took over a gay bar in Long Beach. There was a woman bartender, and she was kind of manly, but not Chaz manly. But dudes, she was so hot! And like 25. So not only am I suddenly a lesbian, I am a letch.

Does that make me, you know, bi? Should I go back and change my status to bisexual on that dating site again? Seriously, every time they showed her, I was all WOW! That woman is appealing.

The first person to say, "Not that there's anything wrong with that" gets sold for $20.

I guess I had better go to work again and monitor my breathing for the effects of botulism. Because I'm delightful and fun. Oh, and if I live, the new girl from work is coming over tonight. That's before the Spanish dancing portion of my evening. I know! June. Packing her schedule and liking the ladies since 2012.

Naturally there'll be photos, and y'all missed her SO COOL turquoise high-heeled Mary Janes yesterday. No, she is not a Spanish editor.

DID MY THROAT JUST CLAMP SHUT? I guess not. ...This was so worth the money.

Toxically,

June

P.S. If you did not read the comments yesterday, you missed about 959954 people discussing whether Mary Tyler Moore throws meat or danish into her cart in the opening sequence. See what earth-shattering news of the day you're missing?

Comments

[dancer]

I want your life. Does that make me bi-sexual?

[Rachael]

I cannot believe that I am maybe the first one to comment! Have fun Spanish dancing. Don't clothesline anyone (which is what I did when I took flamenco classes in Madrid)!

[Mary Lou is EVEN CRABBIER TODAY 'cuz she has to leave Pieville to go to work]

Crap- now I have to go to work or I'LL be late-
Thanks, June...
JUST KIDDING!
Can't wait to read comments tonight-
Hope your throat hole stays open-

[Vicky who usually just lurks in Delaware but was having major anxiety over where June was and if she was alive or dead from botulism]

ARGH!@ Thank God you posted today finally. How was i going to make it thru this hellacious day at work without some June?
BTW, women are more appealing to the senses than men. It's proven. I tell my husband that all the time.Maybe tonight you'll meet your Latin Lover Soul Mate.Hmmmm.

[Heather P]

Pink moonbeam-LOVELY!
Iris is so cute!

[Laurie]

Dang, Edsel! Why'd he ave to go eat those cherries?!? Would have been perfect in your hair tonight.

[original joann who is the palest Cuban you've ever seen]

I was kind of surprised at how many people chimed in on the meat/danish controversy.

Also, are these Spanish editors, Spanish?

I ask because living in the Tropics, we are all a bunch of Cubans down here. I am not technically Cuban, but I like to think I'm a converted Cuban because I love plantains and cuban sandwiches and just about everything Cuban under the sun including Desi Arnaz. Anyway, when I go out dancing, my Cuban friends are the most amazing dancers of all time. And even though, I'm a converted Cuban, I cannot dance like them. I've tried everything including holding onto my girlfriends' hips as we dance to try and get it.

I'm telling you, those people are magic dancers, is what they are. It has something to do with their hips and the small steps they take. If these people are Hispanic, try to find out the secret to the dancing, please.

[Laurie]

ave=have........geeze

[Letha]

I love that Pink Moonbeam clock. Pink Moooonbeam is on its way. Love, Nick Drake.

Macarena, Paso Doble, Flamenco! We need VEEEEDEO!

[Target Steve. Not that there is anything wrong with pointy sideburns.]

I tried to look at photos of the people from the show you referenced, and the only women I could see were either a light-skinned black woman, or a woman with pointy sideburns. Was it one of them? If it was pointy sideburns, you are not bi, you are all gay.

[June Gardens]

Joann, they are literally from all over the world. The person I am going with is from ...oh, god, I forget. Somewhere in South America. Nice. Nice listening on my part.

[Helen who is not afraid of being sold.]

June you've just discovered why they use women to see things to men and women to sell things to women. But if it makes you feel better to change your status on Facebook, the dating site or wherever go ahead! Because, you know, there's not anything wrong with that.

[Lenette]

Love Tabitha's show, but sadly she confirmed many suspicions about my own hair dresser and soured me on my stylist.... Love your moonbeam.

[June Gardens]

Steve, here. http://www.afterelton.com/tv/2012/01/tabatha-coffey-interview?page=1,1 If this link actually links to a bunch of folks lifting a drink, it;s the person way off to the right in the black tshirt,not at the front of the photo but in the back. Yes that is a girl. And she made the winning drink. See? I can pick em.

[original joann who is the palest Cuban you've ever seen]

Helen,

She is not changing her status on Facebook because she is my sister wife and I'll cut a bitch that tries to get near her.

[Tawny]

There's a girl at the gym that I have a serious crush on. She's either a police officer or a fire fighter and she has lots of tattoos (including a rather fierce looking one on her calf), short hair and blond highlights. One time, outside my peripheral, someone complimented me on my form and I thought it was her. I nearly hyperventilated. Or threw up.

I'm totally married with a kid but I'd like to think that I must be her type, with my crazy curly hair, my overwhelming cleavage and all my other curves.

But for now, I'll have to settle for loving her from afar ;).

[Jane]

You should have visited us in Palm Springs when you had the chance!

[June Gardens]

GOD, Tawny, youre such a lez. No, see? Ill bet men get these crushes too but if theyre straight they NEVER NEVER admit it. Why do men have to be so weird?

[Target Steve. Exactly what kind of cleavage is overwhelming, inquiring straight men want to know.]

June, I see her in the photo, and I think you actually still have a thing for Jewish men.

[June Gardens]

Good point, T. Steve.

[Mary Ellen from Napa (who think most of life is just too much trouble lately)]

OMG!!! Thank GOD you finally posted or I would have gotten nothing done today until you did. I would have spent the day refreshing like a mad woman.

I used to think some women (and men)were appealing until I got old and boring and it was all just too much energy expended. I think I'll go lay down now...

[Lisa Pie gets to go to the grocery store, such is the excitement of her life. sigh.]

That's a very nice clock!

Have a wonderful time out salsa dancing and hanging with the fun bunch. You're not wearing gray to the Latin Dancing Club are you?

[Poochie (I'll make a pass at a girl in glasses.)]

I totally have a crush on Hannah Hart from My Drunk Kitchen (do you all know this girl? She's hilarious!!!! - http://hartoandco.com/) Ah, well....

[June Gardens]

Oh, dear. Should I wear a color?

[The Furry Godmother]

Oh, June, I saw that episode! There were two cute lesbians. I like the one with the rockabilly hair, so we don't have to fight over them or anything.

Glad you aren't dead. Yet.

[Laurie]

Mija, chooze going to a funeral afterwards? Splash on some color!

[Becky]

Ohhhhhhhh... I have a crush on Iris. What a sweet sweet girl.

[Mrs. Oh]

Aye Dios Mio. Have the Editors de Espanol NOT seen your dancing video?

[The Zadge a veteran 'toxer.]

June, you do know that the 'tox takes about a week to take full effect? So you might want to carry an epi pen around until then.

[Elsie]

June, I thought of your bookcases when I saw this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhRT-PM7vpA

Love Iris and Lily!

[sandra, my strudel swings both ways I guess]

I have had girl crushes too, but if push came to shove so to speak, don't think I could go through with it. Or at least nothing below the belt. So I am an above the belt lez, I guess.

[Just Paula.]

I've got three scenarios in my head for this Spanish dancing.

1. Jennifer Aniston salsa dancing in some movie. "Along Came Polly, maybe? Hulk?

2. The braless whore Zumba instructor at my gym.

3. West Side Story. Specifically, "I Like To Live In AhMairEeeKah."

[June Gardens]

By the way, RACISTS, we are just going dancing. Not salsa dancing or the lambada or whatever the hell other Spanish thing. 

[Mrs. Oh]

*like* Just Paula's scenarios. Or scenarioios ifin' ya want to put a Spanish twist on it.

[Suzanne]

Oh! I hate waking up late.

[Letha]

Call me anything. I still smell a smokin tango.

[Just Paula.]

Potato, potahto, JUNE.

Spanish dancing or the Spanish, dancing. Sheesh.

Also, here: " Those quotes fell out of my comment.

[Amish Annie and of course I love the clock, sold a ton of bakelite clocks back in my day but most had small cracks, that's why repros are fabulous]

I don't like to comment negatively on peoples appearance but when I saw the picture of the folks in the gay bar, I thought hmmm, all of them are attractive except the ugly gay guy on the left with the do-rag. And then it dawned on me five minutes later it was Tabitha.

Poochie, I love Hannah with My Drunk Kitchen. I get the biggest giggles when I watch her segments. However, my one true love after Stud Muffin and Mo was some transgendered chick at a work conference I went to. I lusted after her from afar. I think she still had some more surgeries to go or whatever but her Adam's apple was hot. Not kidding either. And she dressed all androgynous like. Steaming sexuality I tell ya.

[June Gardens]

I totally need to add my clock to my Pinterest page. Because Im having a life.

[June Gardens]

And do you know how I found Pinterest? Someone pinned ME! Ouch! It had a page from my blog and it said, Who is this and why is she so funny? or something close to it. And I was all, What the eff is Pinterest. THAT IS HOW I GOT HOOKED. HOW I GOT THE MONKEY ON MY BACK.

[Jan]

One of the women I play volleyball with has a friend who comes to watch us play. I am nearly 100% she is a lesbian. She is pretty, nice body, smart, funny, is always dressed so nicely for her professional job. When she is dressed casually she is also dressed very nicely. I told one of the other women on the team this woman could probably turn me. She laughed and then said, "Yeah. Me, too." I told my husband the other night this woman was coming to our game and then I announced she was the lesbian who could turn me and asked was it wrong? This week my family came to the game and afterward my husband says, "So that's your lesbian lover?" I confirmed it.

[Sadie - After all of your Insanity workouts, you will be singing, "I could have danced all night." Since you hate musicals, I doubt you know to what I refer.]

After your night of dancing, let us know if you are still breathing.

[twelvedaysold]

Omg. You keep asking yourself if you're breathing. You are hilarious.

I questioned my sexuality when I was about 16, which looking back I think was because I hadn't had a boyfriend yet even though I liked boys and wondered if maybe I didn't actually like boys. I am in fact not a lesbian, although I can find a woman attractive, the thought of touching her nono grosses me out. Which is what qualifies your orientation, right? If you'd touch their nono? Also a qualification for a gynecologist?

[Just Paula.]

I would switch teams for Kristen Wiig because she is HILARIOUS and I'd be laughing too much to fret over her nono.

[Becky]

My daughter has kind of a crush on Zooey Deschanel, which-- totally understandable. Beautiful eyes, amazing voice, charmingly quirky. I remember having a crush on my female English teacher in 8th grade. She was young and beautiful and I wanted desperately to show her what profound intellectual depth I had. Now that I'm just an aging folkie, I'm not much inclined to crush on anyone, male or female. I think something happens when you hit "that time of life" that makes romance seem a little silly. Sadly. Although I would love a companion for great conversation and laughter. And money.

Haven't we been talking about Pinterest here in the comments for a long time? And speaking of Pinterest, I keep coming across shiny pink things on there and wishing there was a function on Pinterest to show them to you.

[Becky]

I didn't mean I was thinking of becoming an aging prostitute.

[June Gardens]

Becky: high-priced high-aged call girl since 2012.

[Beverly]

I would say there is quite a big step between having a girl crush and desiring the nono. The nono is a no no for me.

[June Gardens]

Why in the hell are we calling it the nono?

[June Gardens]

Your Amazon.com order of Westclox 1950 Big Ben Moon... has shipped!

Yay.

[Amish Annie/Paul]

Becky: Dirty deeds done dirt cheap the older she gets.

[June Gardens]

Gee, I dont know why people are afraid to comment.

[Duffylou - did i really need a puppy?]

Because the nono was 16 year old Twelve speaking. I think that makes it even more hilarious.

[June Gardens]

Duffy, I can answer that. No. You did not need a puppy. As someone who has had a puppy FOR TWO ENDLESS BOUNDLESS ENERGY FILLED YEARS NOW, no.

[twelvedaysold]

Feelin' the love over here, June. MY COMMENTS ARE IMPORTANT TOO. Actually no they're not.

[June Gardens]

Did Twelve say something?

[Amish Annie/Paul hope I didn't offend you Becky, you are funny.]

Yeah but Becky's second comment made me almost wet my pants, I was laughing so hard...still giggling.

[Cosmo's Dad.. .or the swirly kitty]

a nono... Ithought it was referred to as a "spam purse"...

[June Gardens]

Spam purse. Oh my god.

[Anita ( I will bet your friends break out and salsa at some point tonight)]

Becky you can email the pin.

I love the clock. I need a new one. I still have an ancient wood grained one from years ago.

[Letha, dramatic argentinian tango is so June]

The Greensboro Fox will be trotting.

[Pj has never had a sexual identity waffle.]

*head cocked to the side* (no pun intended) I do not get the bi/lez thing but whatever turns you on. Me? Not at all. Never had a girl crush. Can't even imagine a girl crush.

[Pj has never had a sexual identity waffle.]

Spam purse is disgusting in all 4 dimensions. Or however many dimensions they are claiming there are nowadays.

[yes, i'm quoting a movie dancer]

sexual waffle?

oh my.

nono is no no for me. although i am so not hesitant to say "damn that girl is hawt!"

but as they say, "I guess I prefer sausage to taco."

[Peter, who wonders how many bizarro names you girls were taught to describe your genitalia. What is it with parents, like calling it something else will keep you from ultimately learning what it's used for?]

I can't begin to tell you how much fun it's been just sitting back and watching today.

[Letha]

IN OTHER NEWS, while June is dancing with her exotic and colorful friends tonight, I will be watching 50/50, which I rented at Redneck Box. Has anyone seen it?

[June Gardens]

Yes, and I really liked it, Letha.

[Becky]

So, Peter, since June was wondering and now I'm wondering, too... any guy attractions that you would be brave enough to admit?

[MeMe, who is worried she might be cast out from her newfound playland of very funny people and womdering if she should resume her imaginary packing, now adding a can or two dozen of whip-its to her bag, 'cause someone might enjoy them at the nervous hospi]

Ok, I'm a total RACIST, because when I first read about your plans for the evening all I could imagine were fine-boned Hispanic men and women dressed in velvet and chomping on a long-stemmed red rose with their teeth while pointing their toes, snaping, and singing "Ole." In synch with one another, of course.

Of course I couldn't comment then because I, too, overslept and had to race out . . . Until now, when I wanted to share my pithy comment but notice ya'll talking about "nonos."

Sigh . . .

[June Gardens]

What if I get there tonight and everyone really is wearing velvet and sombreros and those long caps? What are those long caps called that Spanish women wore? With the dinglebobs on them?

[Pj has never had a sexual preference waffle.]

Dinglebobita capita

[Letha]

June, you will stick out like a sore American thumb! Or they will. I was thinking about the velvet too. Just keep on dancin,dancin, dancin, WOOO! Wardrobe will be secondary. Or thirdary.

[June Gardens]

ITS A REGULAR PLACE! ITS NOT A SPANISH PLACE! OHMYGOD!

[Beverly]

I think you'll stick out too. For your mad dancing skillz.

[Peter, who is thinking ice fishing in Michigan this time of year might be a lot of fun.]

Gee, Becky, so nice of you to ask. I can certainly recognize a good looking man when I see one. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, etc. But I have never been attracted to another man. Ever. It's not my thing.

On the other hand, I haven't met Hulk yet.

[Mary V]

June - I didn't post about you at Pinterest but I did link to you on my blog today where I reviewed the ever fun OldBooth photo app. You can check it out here: http://www.areyouonthefence.com

Have fun dancing the night away!

[Becky H]

So weird, I got Botox yesterday too. I keep checking the mirror to see if I can still lift my brows. Gotta go check again, it's been 15 mins.

[Letha]

Oh sure. A regular place. Featuring live music with Chakira.

[Laurie maybe Poochie can give you some tips to spice up your wardrobe tonight.]

A regular place for regular English-language editors?*yawn*

[Amish Annie/Paul Demi is a Red Bull addict, TMZ said so]

I think you'll stick out too June, if you drink ten thousand Red Bulls and dance on the tables like Demi did.

Peter, blah blah. Typical dude response. Although the thought of you and Hulk ice fishing together is funny.

I can't stop laughing at the ice fishing. Must go get some work done, stat.

[Texas Kari who wants to be a cool kid]

So after allll the Pinterest talk, I requested to join. I guess it took them a while to do the FBI background check because just today I received my invitation to join. Clearly they recognized that I was special. Now. The site says to set up an account through FB or Twitter. I have neither of these. Does that mean I'm out of the cool kids' club?

[Laurie]

Texas Kari, just create a bogus twitter account. You don't have to use it after your in with Pinterest.

[Anita (and wear something twirly!)]

What kind of Spanish friends are they that they are taking you to an American place? Any Tom, Dick or Hulk could do that. They need to take you to one of those back alley seedy places where all the wild dancers go to release all of their pent up energy from the long stressful week of editing books.

[Tammi V.V. -]

Might want to take a mantilla and a fan with you, just in case.

[Letha]

Ooh, maybe Sofia Vergara will be there, and you will be attracted to her.

[MeMe, you gotta live for something . . . Please have video for us tomorrow]

And maybe Antonio Banderas will be there, too, and he can show you the moves he made as a dancing cat in "Puss and Boots."

[Funny in my mind]

This has nothing to do with anything but Christopher Plummer was on Ellen today and he is still hot at 82.
And I cannot dance.
Iris is getting big!

[Cosmo's Dad.. .pusseyita or the old Tiajuana muff diver]

gee, Pete, not that there is anything wrong with "ice fishing" with Hulk. The image of two grown men hold their "poles", looking into a cold "hole"...gives me goose bumps and another view of why Junie Dear is a newly Hispanic Lesbianita....

[Letha]

PJ! Dying.

[Anita (and wear something twirly!)]

I sure hope June can roll her R's.

[Laurie]

Gawd........your=you're

[Funny in my mind]

Also? February is Cat Appreciation Month.

[Hulk (Cosmo-geeeeez. Peter-STAY BACK!)]

I'm not gay...

But I say how but if I stand between June and OJ and you two make a Hulk sandwich...

[Peter, who wonders if growing up right next to the ocean results in permanent shrinkage.]

Wow, CD, you really need to get out more if ice fishing is giving you a tingle. But, c'mon, join us. I would imagine you and your "pole" have caught a lot in the past.

[Hulk (Plus you are kinda makin' me throw up in my mouth...)]

Cosmo and Peter...

You go join yourselves. I may have thrown in the dating towel but I have NOT been traded to the "other team"...

[Laurie]

Limited knowledge of ice fishing, but I understand that even a dead stick can land a lunker at the hole.

[Cosmo's Dad.. .tingling here, me and the pole have lots of stories... "once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night...."]

Hulker, its all that lesbian talk getting your knickers in a twist...

[Hulk (I AM NOT LISTENING...LALALALALALALALALA...)]

GOD! You guys are RUINING ice fishing for me...

And I don't mean "ice fishing for ME", I mean "ice fishing FOR me"...

[Amish Annie/Paul]

Oh my gosh, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!!!!!!!!!!!...Hulk, Peter, D of C, killing it since Jan 27, 2012.

[Cosmo's Dad.. I hope she's not just "Para-guay"...]

Junie can't talk now one of her friends just said "Uraguay" and she is all conflicted thinking she may be "guay" in a South American way....