In which the Feenies and DeFazios are mentioned a bit often

Marvin suggested I paint black spots on Edsel and give HIM to the firemen for saving my life the other day. Now, see? That's why Marvin makes the big dollars. Allllways thinking.

What a valuable asset to a fire Edsel would be. "Oh! Oh Edzul God! Oh no! Edzul flap paws uselisslee! Maybe we play wif Edzul blue toy now?"

No one has Dalmatians anymore. Why is that? My grandfather had them. Somewhere there's a picture of one of their Dalmatians lying on the couch, and me using it as a pillow so I can read. The dog looks all, "Okay, I DO this because I know you kick my spotted ass to curb otherwise, but NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT."

Do you like how my story has progressed to the firemen saved my life? Who can take a nothing story and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well, it's me girl and you should know it.

Speaking of old TV shows, AND I JUST WAS, stop being so young, I was next to a woman at work who had one of those commuter mugs, and it had a giant cursive L on it. "Oh, are you Laverne DeFazio?" I asked her, loving my own self as per usual. Loving me is easy cause I'm beautiful.

"?" said the poor girl sitting next to me, who just wanted to learn about our sign-up process for health insurance this year.

"Laverne. Laverne on Laverne and Shirley. How she always had the L-- Oh my God. Oh Edsel God. You're too young to know who that is."

It had not occurred to me until that moment that anyone would NOT know the ins and outs of Laverne and Shirley's lives. I mean, I refer to them so often. Basement apartments, obnoxious neighbors, boyfriends who go from rags to riches, milk and Pepsi. There are so many reasons to think about Laverne and Shirley. And now there are legions of actual adults with actual jobs NOT KNOWING WHO THEY ARE. It's like I'm Ethel Mertz talking about my days in vaudeville.

Actually, I mention them at work a lot, because remember my last job, where I got laid off with 40 other people? I see SO MANY of those people at my new workplace, and I often say, "This is like when Laverne and Shirley moved to LA, and then so did everyone else from the show, so even though they were in a whole new place, hey! There's Squiggy!"

In fact, just the other day I ran into the artist (copy editor) formerly known as my next-cubicle neighbor, Jane West. She now sits two floors up from me. "Oh, hey! Your hair looks good!" she said. "Is it darker? It was..." she struggled to describe it for some reason. "It was more...blonder before."

Wow.

"What exactly do you do for a living?" I asked her. More blonder.

Anyway, I have to go. We get this thorough health check thing at work today for our insurance--INsurance, as they pronounce it here, and the other day I heard myself say it that way and got annoyed with me--but before that I may or may not be getting Botox. So we are supposed to be fasting and yet I will have botulism coursing through my veins.

Cannot wait for my results. "Everything looks good. Except you have a mild case of botulism."

 

And in case you wondered if Lily is still pretty, she is. Also she adores the webcam, still. NO ONE LIKES THE WEB CAM. She's just like Laverne's stepmother.

 

Comments

[Birdaah.]

I recently found a cable channel that showed Laverne and Shirley, and I was in love. Then the asshats changed the lineup, or whatever, so now we don't get that channel anymore. Not happy about that!

[Amish Annie/Paul]

Lily is adorable, so fluffy mcfluff.

Your hair looks pretty fabulous too.

[Siren]

Oh. I like the cat toes.

And I grew up in a cave and even I know who Laverne and Shirley are.

[Letha]

Good morning! Lovely post June. I like your hair more browner too. Lovely little Lily.

I always pictured Minnie Ripperton as a chihuahua.

[Amy]

Would you believe that I was just thinking about Squiggy and wondering if that reference dated me? He's one of the voices on Oswald, which I was watching with my baby. Can't hear that show without picturing Squiggy. (Ick?)

Lily favors my sweet Chloe, as they say here.

[Birdaah.]

Speaking of tv shows of the past. Mork and Mindy? While in college a couple years ago, helping a 19 yr old, I blurted out RRRR thinking I was funny. He had that wtf look and replied NNN? I offered up Ya know? Mork and Mindy? What's a Mork? Umm,Robin Williams?
Ya I KNOW how you felt with little miss Laverne-wanna-be.

[Dancer]

Ohmygawd...I worked with people who did not who Lou Rawls was or the movie Top Gun. seriously? I'm not THAT old people.

[Dancer]

Next they will only know Suzanne Sommers for her "health" books. Geez....

[original joann who would put up with a frozen forehead if it meant getting rid of those 2 lines between my eyebrows]

Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated!

I have no idea if that's how you spell it.

Hold up? Somewhere in that hopped-up, heavy-jazz-in-your-head post, did you say something about Botox? I'm on the verge. Let me know how it goes. If Dr. Paul lived around here, I'd do it in a second, but here in Deliverance Country, I'm afraid all the docs would be like, "Bo-Who?"

[Just Paula.]

Have you seen the L&S Behind the Scenes on the Bio channel? Those two H-H-H-H-H-HATED each other! Apparently Cindy Williams was quite a little princess/bitch. Imagine.

[Tee]

Does your INsurance pay for Botox? OMG, if they do GET it! Only thing the top of your face looks great, but as you get older the bottom of your face gets more saggy and wrinkled. Well, that's what happened to my friend. Unfortunately, I don't have any personal knowledge of the affects of Botox. Affect is correct, it does alter your face, right?

Sweet Lily and those little pink pads on her feet.

[Peter, who is ever trying to make sense of June's blogs.]

You think YOU are feeling old? Have you SEEN Penny Marshall lately? Not good, not good. I wonder how these iconic stars feel about having images of their young selves locked in time so that when fans who know them only from their television series see them, ALL they can think of is, "OMG, you look so OLD!"

And, speaking of Mork & Mindy, you DO know that Mindy (Pam Dawber) is STILL happily married to Mark Harmon. You're not going to see HER rushed to the hospital for substance abuse treatment. Why? Because she grew up in Michigan, silly!

[Your Pal from MA]

I LOOOOVED Laverne and Shirley and their theme song.

Best part of the show were Lenny and Squiggy, tho...

Everyone cross fingers and toes that I can keep my house. Since I am separated from my husband, I cannot qualify for the mortgage because in the last two years I didn't make enough money. It doesn't matter that I have THREE jobs now and can EASILY afford the mortgage - oh, nooo! Why would it be THAT easy?

And to make matters worse, my best gay friend is being a douchebag to me and being really icky for no good reason. Drama drama drama with those boys. Jeez. Like I need THAT right now.

SO, let the crossing of fingers and toes commence. (Don't tell Edz about me possibly losing my house, he'll get all flappy and upset!)

[Just Paula.]

Penny DOES look like hammered shit, but I don't think she cares. She directs and produces now and probably frolics naked in her piles of money.

[Kelly Pie]

Oh, I loved Laverne & Shirley. Until they moved to LA and Cindy Williams got all high and mighty and bailed.

Lenny & Squiggy, The Big Ragoo, Big Rosie Greenbaum, the PizzaBowl. Ah, memories.

I wish my INsurance covered jamming botulism into my face. I'd skedaddle down to the "facial rejuvination clinic" so fast my loose skin would wobble.

[Anita (nanu nanu)]

Lily has the prettiest eyes. I was going to call them doe eyes but really I guess they are cat eyes.

Did you know Edna Babish died this year? She was 92! That made me feel really old.

[Amish Annie/Paul]

I liked Laverne and Shirley when they were on Happy Days too.

[sandra]

Oh Pal, I really hope you get to keep your house, fingers and toes crossed!
I do not know Laverne and Shirley, but only because I was not living in this country, so that is my excuse. And I don't have cable or satellite or anything, so that is my next excuse why I cannot watch it now. All I have is Netflix and hulu.com and I mainly use that to keep up with whatever Housewife episode they chose to stream. Not frustrating at ALL!!

[PJ loved Betty White on the MTM show. First saw her there and she was HI-larious.]

Dying. You suddenly made my morning worthwhile.

I was brought up in such a tight-ass, no fun, work yourself to death family that L & S were like from another planet and I loved loved loved their hilarious selves. Couldn't like Lenny and Squiggy at the time because my whole neighborhood when I was young was populated by Lennies and Squiggies. Now I appreciate their outrageous selves.

Stop being so young. Still laughing. Must find some reruns.

[Ally Bean]

I fear for a world in which people don't know who Laverne & Shirley are! Interesting revelation.

[June Gardens]

A) All of your comments went to spam and I came back from having toxic poison, as opposed to nontoxic poison, shoved in my head and I was all, ohEdselGod, my post must have been so boring. No comments.
B) Hammered shit.

[PJ beautiful glasses, June. Who helped you pick out those frames?]

Pal from MA, I actually crossed fingers and toes for you. Wear your fabulous scarf and bracelet when you apply. When I bought my house after my divorce I asked my ex to co-sign and give me Power of Attorney to sign for him when I closed. Just for a year. Then I had it moved to my name. It worked. Pissed me off to have to sign his name because I had been the financially responsible one but he was the one with the bigger dollar job. Stupid-head bankers.

Good luck.

[Beverly]

I prounounce it IN-surance? Is there another way? (I'm from Georgia and apparently have been saying it wrong.)

[June Gardens]

Yes, Beverly. InSURance.

[Pj]

If you have good INsurance it will cover you if you FALL OUT in DEtroit in JUly.

[Lisa]

"Hammered shit". Thank you Paula. I looked in the mirror this morning and thought "there must be an appropriate phrase that would sum up my appearance this morning". "Hammered shit" fits the bill.

Love L & S. The best spin-off ever. (Commence my mind remembering other spin-offs that rival L & S.)

[June Gardens]

Dear Lisa,
Maude.

[Carolyn]

Ethyl Mertz line had me cackling out loud at work.

[Mother]

Penny Marshall has aged naturally and so looks old, but in addition, I believe it has been reported that she has cancer, so give the girl a break.

[terric]

HEY, I'm from Georgia and I know how to pronounce insurance (with a delightfully southern accent!).

[Letha, why am I thinking about pronunciations?]

Beverly, I used to think INsurance was a southern pronunciation, but it may just be a logical choice...INfamy, INcest, INdigo, INdigent, INsurance. Hmmm?

Also, please do not paint spots on Edsel. It might INhibit him.

[Suzanne]

Oh how I loved Laverne & Shirley. Such a great memory.

[Laurie]

Timing is everything. Yesterday, not that I can even recall why it came up in conversation, but the difference between Sclemeel and schlemazel was explained.

Pal, I hope the loss of your lovely home does not come to fruition! Maybe hubby could hang in there on paper until you can qualify for the mortgage?

[Karla--Mad at myself for putting that stupid song in my head!]

I have worked very hard to make sure my kids know past popular culture. They totally resent me for it because seriously, what 17 year old wants to know the lyrics to "Wildfire"? But someday they might be on Jeopardy, and the category might be Bad 70's Song Lyrics, and the Daily Double question might be "This stupid song about a horse doesn't make sense because a killing frost kills tomatoes, not horses!" Then all my hard work will have paid off!

[June Gardens]

Wait. Whats the diff between schmeil and schmazel? Also, the health test is NOT today, so I was starving myself for nothing. You can imagine how my coworkers have not poked fun at me for that. Fortunately someone brought those little doughnut bites to work. What longshoreman cholesterol when I do get the test?? 

[June Gardens]

A killing frost kills tomatoes!!

[Just Paula.]

Dear Lisa,

Joanie Loves Chachi.

[June Gardens]

Also, Karla, a hoot owl would not HOWL out someones window. Hence the moniker HOOT OWL.

[Letha, omigod Karla!]

But Wildfire busted down his stall!

[Just Paula.]

Dear Lisa,

Hahahahahahahaha.

As if.

Frasier.

[LauraL, who finds June's botulism adventures INteresting]

Care to enlighten the rest of us, Laurie? INquiring minds want to know!

[Letha, omigod Karla!]

It's BY MY WINDOW. For six nights in a row. The hoot owl.

[d-lou...not duffy-lou]

Can NOT push open double doors without singing "Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated"

Twit-child I work with didn't know who Linda Ronstadt is...

[Amish Annie/Paul]

Seriously, I'm gonna have that freaky song in my head all day now. Who sang that?

[June Gardens]

DIDNT KNOW WHO LINDA RONSTADT IS? Oh that just makes me mad.

[Letha,]

d-lou, you've been cheated.

[Poochie (I looked like Shirley growing up. Where's my Boo Boo Kitty?)]

Mork & Mindy was a Happy Days spin-off too.

[Just Paula.]

How about when these embryos think Stevie Nicks is a he?

[HB..what good are your patients if you can't laugh at them..best line ever. Although Fraiser may have said that at Cheers..]

Have to agree with Just Paula - Fraiser was the best. Until Niles & Daphne hooked up, then it jumped the shark.

[Peter, who would still have hit on Linda but she was with a date.]

Linda Ronstadt. Sat next to her in the movie theater one night when she was still young and hot. I couldn't keep my focus on the movie because she was dribbling popcorn out of her mouth, and it just struck me as soooo ordinary (and not very attractive).

Pal, if there's anything I can do to help, please e-mail me.

[DB in MD]

In a blizzard he was lost.

I guess the blizzard popped up right after the killing frost.

I think that lovely song was by Michael Murphy. And yes, I did have the 45.

I used to work with a 20-something who never heard of Bob Seger. Sigh.

[Anita (sinus headaches are enough to handle)]

I did not like Joanie love Chachi. Chachi did nothing for my raging teenage hormones.

Are you getting the botox for your migraines? Is that how INsurance is covering it? I want some. Not the migraines, just the botox.

[June Gardens]

OH COME ON! Whos never heard of Bob Segar? Although did I ever tell you about the Whats Abby Road? thing?

[June Gardens]

Dudes, you all decided INsurance paid for it. I never said that. You told me to pay off a credit card and then buy myself something. This was my something.

[: : Garden Girl : : In high school I was pretty sure I would live like Mary Tyler Moore. I still wish things could be wrapped up in a half-hour, all neat and tidy.]

Loved the Mary Tyler Moore reference! I can see Mary twirling and throwing her hat in the air, rolling her eyes at the price of meat and throwing it in her grocery cart anyway. Those were the days. I want to be young and dumb again....I know way too much now. No, I'm not depressed, why do you ask?

[d-lou...not duffy-lou]

O.M.G. I just told him he was internet fodder today and I had to give him the definition of fodder. HE IS A TEACHER...of the future of our nation.

[Beverly]

My niece didn't know who Diana Ross was recently. I almost had to stab her for that.

[June Gardens]

I always thought she was buying some bad-for-her-Danish or something, and was trying not to buy it then did. Now we gotta YouTube it, dont we?

[Just Paula.]

June, you were in a music-rich environment for years. You know Rush, for God's sake!

My husband was on the thruway on his way to Woodstock when they closed it. Damn hippie.

[Jeanie]

Oh, my family had the dalmations, too, when I was growing up. Mike and Lucky. Lucky had a perfect black figure 8 on his back, hence his name. They both used to scale the six-foot fence in the backyard. But please don't paint spots on the Eds. I can just see his humiliation and paw flapping.

I definitely remember Laverne and Shirley. Heck, I remember scrubbing clothes on a rock at the river and churning butter on the front porch.

Lily is one beautiful kitteh.

How was the botox treatment? You will post an after picture, right?

[Anita (scary d-lou, scary!)]

I was thinking it might have been your fun money but then INsurance kept being mentioned so it snowballed.

But my sister just had her upper eyelids done and INsurance did pay for it. They were so droopy she could see them.

[Tee]

Letha, turn your pocket inside out or tie a knot in the corner of your bed sheet to stop the owl from hooting. I DON'T know? That's what my uncle told us to do. Let us know if that works.

[June Gardens]

Sometimes Botox helps with migraines but I have not been able to scam that. Also, see? She was in the bread/pastry section. http://youtu.be/oBTWF1bDPn0

[caroline rose]

Okay, I've read here forever but have never commented. Until today.

Last fall, I was in Hobby Lobby and noticed a pumpkin with a big, cursive L. I snapped a picture, I thought it was so funny -- Laverne's pumpkin for sale at Hobby Lobby!

I thought you'd appreciate this.

[Shannon]

Ha, Joann, I was just wondering if anyone knew the words to their theme song. Although the few lines I know will be stuck in my head all day, JUNE.

[original joann who would put up with a frozen forehead if it meant getting rid of those 2 lines between my eyebrows]

Thanks for that feel-good retro trip, June. Great show. Great theme song.

I love Mary. And I most certainly loved Bob and his Night Moves.

[June Gardens]

See? Caroline Rose knows who Laverne is. Wait. Are you a Kennedy? You have all their names. Let us see your teeth.

[Letha,]

Haha, thanks Tee, I will do that!

He's coming for me, I know.

[June Gardens]

That theme song kind of made me cry. But I am .004 seconds from The Red Roof Inn. Also, there is a TON of work today, can you tell?

[Poochie (It's Horse With No Name for sure. Depressing damn song. Hotel California scared the crap out of me too.)]

Can't decide what's worse - Wildfire or Horse With No Name.

[Mother]

No need to youtube anything. I can confirm that MTM threw a piece of meat into her shopping cart after rolling her eyes at the price. That was depicting 1970s inflation. I wonder what the price of that meat was then and what it is now.

[Maryanne the Verbose]

Ethel Mertz and vaudeville! (Incidentally, in real life, Vivian Vance hated the actor who played Fred. Also, Aunt Bea hated Andy, for reals. Where was the love??)

Just Paula, "hammered shit" just replaced "whore in a fit" as my favorite bad face day comment.

Big Rosie Greenbaum: "Other doctors were satisfied with private practice. But my Ivan had to follow a dream!" (He was a proctologist.)

June, don't botox! Pleeeeeeze! You look great!

[Peter, who still can't believe Rob and Laura Petrie slept in separate beds.]

I wonder if Bob ever made the Marvinesque MOVE on Emily?

[Letha,]

So Mary was rolling her eyes because the meat was in the bread/pastry section. Of all things.

[Pamela Soul Sister #2]

The Facts of Life was one of the best spinoffs. So was Good Times and The Jeffersons.
But Frasier rules.

[Tee]

I just asked if your insurance paid because that would be totally amazing. It never occurred to me that was your something special treat after paying off your credit card. Are you going to reveal the before and after for us?

Letha, if that works? You HAVE to tell us.

[The Furry Godmother nostalgic for passed pets. Off to paint someone else's deceased darlings.]

Oh, great. Now I miss my Howard. He looked like he was wearing footy jammies all the time. The reason nobody has them anymore is because they are difficult, June. Stubborn and loopy. A terrific combination. My old cat, Mr. Huang would open pop open the swinging top of the trash. Howard would stick his head in to get some delightful snacks to share. Except for the times that I would surprise them, leaving Mr. Huang to release the lid, trapping Howard's big lunky head in the can. Nice. I miss them both. Sigh.

I did a couple of paintings several years ago called Laverne DiFuzzio and Squirrelly Feeny. Squirrelly had her Boo Boo Kitty in tow. Forgotten all about them. They live in Texas now, I think.

Fingers crossed for you, Pal! See if you can get your ex to sign for a year like PJ did. Sounds like a good idea.

[Becky, who always wanted to be Linda Ronstadt]

How do you do it? How do you make everything so hysterically funny? I swear, I'm sitting here coughing from laughing and at the same time wondering, "What am I laughing at?" It's just how you write, it kills me. You DO take an otherwise nothing story and make it insanely funny, and I for one with I DID know you in real life. Except then I'd have to wear Depends.

Crossing my fingers for you, Pal. Been there.

[Becky]

Mary's theme song is so easy to remember, but how did Rhoda's theme song go?

[Pamela Soul Sister #2]

God, I love Horse with No Name! And Tin Man, too! My dad loved the band America. I can picture him back then, with his afro, bell bottoms and fringy man-purse, harmonizing...La, la, lalalala, lalala, la la!

[ann @ my life as prose ... whose best friend nicknamed her "rhoda" because she has curly dark hair and did windows for talbots in college.]

ok, so as a 20-something i have to tell you, i *do* know who laverne and shirley are, and ethel mertz, and mary tyler moore, etc etc.

but it's only because of "nick at night." you see, in the late 80s, nickelodeon filled their evening programming with syndicated shows. so we never saw them in order, but we did see them. at least those of us with cable. and who watched tv later at night during the 80s.

also, INsurance drives me crazy. my husband is southern and whenever he pronounces it like that, i say, "what? did you mean insurance?" because i'm a nurturing wife like that who respects his culture.

[Becky]

Oh, that's right, Rhoda talked through her theme music. I love YouTube.

[Beverly]

June, have I ever told you I still have a Bee Gees Greatest Hits double album? I have no turntable, but I do have the album! I also have a Bob Seger album. And crap, I may as well confess that there also might be a Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garret album or two. And Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John on a 45. I might actually be a gay man and not know it.

[June Gardens]

Well, mom, YouTube proves you are WRONG, Missy. What was the other thing you insisted on that I You Tubed? Oh! It was chicken pox and my diary. Not that that was on YouTube.

[June Gardens]

Mr. Huang is a good cat name.

[Carole from Raleigh who has a pink polka dot nightshirt with a scrit C on the pocket. Chaps may think it's their logo but I know it stands for Carole]

My favorite lines from Lavern & Shirley were from Lenny and Squiggy
Pickle Heads? Pickle Heads?
Squiggy: Alright, so maybe we are pickleheads... but we're the BEST DAMN PICKLEHEADS IN THE STATE OF MILWAUKEE!

[June Gardens]

Rhodas theme song was La la la LA la, la la la LAAAA.

[Hulk (June would be Kent Dorfman, see...)]

Whenever you talk about your goofy dog I always picture Albert from 'The Birdcage'...

And I picture the interview team at your new job deciding who to hire from your old job like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ-f4Ij6ycg

[Anita]

Okay, that makes me cry too. I'm feeling weepy today. Crap. I don't want to be.

I always thought it was the meat section because of those parsley topped dividers. I think of her every time I'm in in the meat section and I throw something in my basket.

[Amish Annie/Paul]

Pamela SS#2, that descritpion time warped me right back to 1975!

Okay, sorry to bring up music documentaries but Woodstock (the long, uncut version not the original shorter one) is absolutely fantastic. Mesmerizing is what it is. My 21 year old is who bought it and loved it first.

[June Gardens]

I never saw The Birdcage. Can we watch that tonight when we eat the leftover Chinese, Hulk?

[June Gardens]

I LOVE THE PAISLEY MEAT DIVIDERS! Geez I wish there were something to do here other than eat the little bitey doughnuts. OF WHICH I HAVE HAD 72!!!!

[d-lou...not duffy-lou]

Speaking of meat...I've always hated the song "Timothy"

[Just Paula.]

My friend had a cat named Feeney. Only it was short for Feen-A-Mint, which was a laxative, you infants.

[Anita (paisley? I thought it was parsley)]

Season one is a bit different. Love the car, love the fur coat....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9nwbypIMcw&feature=related

Still think it was meat.

[June Gardens]

Paisley meat dividers. What is wrong with me? I went to the gay grocery store as a kid.

[Letha, jes, iss sludge]

PLEASE watch The Birdcage. I think you will love it. Hank Azaria is a HOOT.

[Just Paula.]

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE BIRDCAGE?

[dancer]

Now I'm signing Bab's "Memories" in my mind. Because that's where I wandered to.

[Anita (IT'S A STEW!)]

The Birdcage is a favorite. I'm shocked you have not seen it June.