Marvin suggested I paint black spots on Edsel and give HIM to the firemen for saving my life the other day. Now, see? That's why Marvin makes the big dollars. Allllways thinking.
What a valuable asset to a fire Edsel would be. "Oh! Oh Edzul God! Oh no! Edzul flap paws uselisslee! Maybe we play wif Edzul blue toy now?"
No one has Dalmatians anymore. Why is that? My grandfather had them. Somewhere there's a picture of one of their Dalmatians lying on the couch, and me using it as a pillow so I can read. The dog looks all, "Okay, I DO this because I know you kick my spotted ass to curb otherwise, but NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT."
Do you like how my story has progressed to the firemen saved my life? Who can take a nothing story and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well, it's me girl and you should know it.
Speaking of old TV shows, AND I JUST WAS, stop being so young, I was next to a woman at work who had one of those commuter mugs, and it had a giant cursive L on it. "Oh, are you Laverne DeFazio?" I asked her, loving my own self as per usual. Loving me is easy cause I'm beautiful.
"?" said the poor girl sitting next to me, who just wanted to learn about our sign-up process for health insurance this year.
"Laverne. Laverne on Laverne and Shirley. How she always had the L-- Oh my God. Oh Edsel God. You're too young to know who that is."
It had not occurred to me until that moment that anyone would NOT know the ins and outs of Laverne and Shirley's lives. I mean, I refer to them so often. Basement apartments, obnoxious neighbors, boyfriends who go from rags to riches, milk and Pepsi. There are so many reasons to think about Laverne and Shirley. And now there are legions of actual adults with actual jobs NOT KNOWING WHO THEY ARE. It's like I'm Ethel Mertz talking about my days in vaudeville.
Actually, I mention them at work a lot, because remember my last job, where I got laid off with 40 other people? I see SO MANY of those people at my new workplace, and I often say, "This is like when Laverne and Shirley moved to LA, and then so did everyone else from the show, so even though they were in a whole new place, hey! There's Squiggy!"
In fact, just the other day I ran into the artist (copy editor) formerly known as my next-cubicle neighbor, Jane West. She now sits two floors up from me. "Oh, hey! Your hair looks good!" she said. "Is it darker? It was..." she struggled to describe it for some reason. "It was more...blonder before."
"What exactly do you do for a living?" I asked her. More blonder.
Anyway, I have to go. We get this thorough health check thing at work today for our insurance--INsurance, as they pronounce it here, and the other day I heard myself say it that way and got annoyed with me--but before that I may or may not be getting Botox. So we are supposed to be fasting and yet I will have botulism coursing through my veins.
Cannot wait for my results. "Everything looks good. Except you have a mild case of botulism."
And in case you wondered if Lily is still pretty, she is. Also she adores the webcam, still. NO ONE LIKES THE WEB CAM. She's just like Laverne's stepmother.