Who's your sexiest friend right now? Be sure to write in and let me know. Cause it ain't yours truly.
I like how there are zero photos taken from my world that don't involve a pet thing. That's Iris' Clavamox box back there. The first person who writes in with the hysterical, "THAT NEEDS TO BE REFRIGERATED, JUNE!!!" gets vomited on. It's just the box. Why I need the empty box is beyond me, and I am reminding myself more and more of my old hoarder landlord Mr. Kaiser. The minute you start seeing gay male porn in the background, put me in a home.
So before all hell and my dinner broke loose, here was my weekend.
First there was Peg's party on Friday, which I believe I had gleefully mentioned previously, not knowing it was like to kill me in the end. I got there and it was crowded, so I made me a nice plate of all Peg's food, and chatted with this guest and that, till about two hours later I finally saw her sipping ginger ale. "I've been sick all day with food poisoning," she said. "I'm still woozy. It was coming out of both ends."
I don't know why people like to tell you every detail of their illness, but there you go. And naturally I was concerned. For myself. "Did you have stomach pain? That usually accompanies food poisoning." "No," said Peg.
This did not bode well with me but what're you gonna do? Then 24 hours later, while I gripped the commode in misery, barfing for the first time since 1982 (and that time was easy, because I'd had two bottles of Andre pink champagne and was barely conscious), I cursed Peg's name with every contraction.
She called today to check on me and guess what. GUESS WHAT. Every single person there got sick, with the exception of Austin, this fascinating designer she knows who works with Saudi princesses and always has good stories about said princesses. How the hell did AUSTIN escape disease and pestulence? Designing bastard.
In other news, and it is hard to move away from the topic of my disease, so riveting is it for me, the dog trainer came on Saturday afternoon and I probably made her sick too. Anyway, she is a short adorable young Filipino woman, and her race is irrelevant to the story except I kind of want you to picture her.
She walked in and naturally the dogs lept all over her as they do, and then when she sat on the couch they jumped over her head and around her and put their paws on her shoulders and basically I have the kind of house you don't want to come to.
Two hours later, she rang the doorbell and came back in, and the dogs STOOD IN THE DINING ROOM and waited for me to call them over. Edsel fairly simpered over, so overwhelmed was he at having been corrected.
We also went on a walk? And the dogs WALKED NEXT TO ME.
And? She got a plate of food? Put it on the floor? And the dogs DIDN'T EVEN MESS WITH IT.
I don't want to give away her secrets, since she, you know, charges for them and all, but if you are local OHMYGOD USE HER! When Chris and Lilly came for dinner? Dining room. Simpering. I mean, they acted like how you want dogs to act, when they kind of put their heads down and WALK over to be petted.
The trainer said my dogs are really both very docile, eager-to-please dogs and that not all dogs are. She said they both feel really bad when they know they've been bad ("I don't know if I've ever met a dog as sensitive as Edsel," she said). She added that I got really lucky--that most dogs aren't as easy to train nor do people usually get two dogs with such good dispositions.
Okay, really? So how bad must I suck that they are so annoying, then? But really. To test them I put a plate of food down today and they were all uh-uh. No way am I going over there. Mom de leeder.
It just cracks me up. Me de leeder? Since when?
And finally, Lilly was nice enough to send pictures from our pre-barf evening.
Here is Chris, who actually cooks, showing me a way to cut avocados that doesn't take 900 hours. He watched me cut the first half and had a stroke trying to hold his tongue.
i iris. i wearin my collar now even tho it still big. can't jump on nuthin so who cares if it big? first person to send mom hysterical "iris gonna hang self" comment gets poop on by iris.
Oh hello, dinner. See you again soon! Also, I like how Chris is looking at me like I am deeply troubled. Now why would anyone--oh, forget it. And no I DIDN'T have wine. God.
Tallulah took this one.
Is Lilly not gorgeous? And she met Lily the cat. They hung out and high-fived about being pretty.
Anyway, I guess that's all I have to tell you. I didn't go on my date yesterday, obvs. Although I would have had a really flat stomach had I gone.
While I typed this I had about three crackers so let's see how that goes, shall we? Dear Flatbread Crisps, Would rather not experience Flatbread Revisited. Thanks, June.
