Yesterday I had a relatively normal Sunday for me. Cry, have coffee, see Dick Whitman. Yes, my life is stupid.
I really should stop hanging around Dick Whitman.
At any rate, my pal Hulk was already on my mind because DW and I had Indian food and I knew how Hulk would be envying us.
My point is, by late afternoon, Dick Whitman was gone, and I couldn't decide what to do with myself. Oh, sure, I had plans to cry, but what else? Was there anything on TV?
That's when I remembered the stupid Super Bowl was on, and I decided what would be more fun for Hulk, who is the teensiest bit obsessed with sports, than to get texts from me during the whole thing?
The teensiest bit. If he could have married a basketball, he would have. The only reason he read The Great Gatsby was because the word "Sport" was in it so much. Same reason he watched The Courtship of Eddie's Father.
How annoying was that, that Eddie's father called Eddie "Sport"? Would you want anyone calling you "Sport"? And I just realized that Eddie's father was Bill Bixby, who went on to be...The Hulk.
The CIRCLE of life!
Who is pleased with me? Also, must EVERY CAT be obsessed with that closet back there? They can all open those doors and they all have. They like to sit on the shelves. Why? They're all wire-y.
My cats and their weird habits are irrelevant right now. Because I had to text Hulk. During the biggest sporting event of the year.
June: Why do they have to shuffle around during the National Anthem? Also, do you hope I text you all night?
Hulk: Nervous energy. And no.
June: Are they tossing a coin to decide whether they're gonna play tonight or just go home? LOVE YOU!!! ...When does this stupid thing START??
Really you guys. There was all this CRAP they made you sit through. All these introductions and people talking and JUST START THE BORING THING ALREADY.
Hulk: 6:29. Enjoy the anticipation.
June: 6:29?? What a weird-ass time.
Hulk (at 6:29): Here we go! Gotta shotgun the kickoff.
I have no idea what he meant, either.
Hulk: Oh, and I love you, too. Root for the combined score to be more than 54 total points.
June: Okay, If that happens do they get free coffee or something?
Hulk: I get $50. ...free coffee. God.
June: That one guy has a beekeeper mask on. Why does he have a beekeeper masker on?
No, seriously. One guy had this, like, black net over his face like he was a widow at a funeral in 1940 or something. Was he being dramatic?
Hulk: Beekeeper. You need help.
You know. How does Hulk expect me to KNOW things about football if he won't EXPLAIN them to me?
June: That guy is gonna catch his death of a cold if he keeps licking his fingers and touching the football.
It was gross. And he did that CONSTANTLY. And I didn't see a little thing of Purell hanging off his suit. It couldn't have been sanitary. Was it a nervous habit? Why don't his loved ones tell him to stop doing that on national TV?
Hulk: Good Doritos commercial.
June: Really good. And I liked how before the commercial they changed the OPP song to be that one guy's initials.
Hulk: YEAH YOU KNOW ME!
Can I just interject to say this song always reminds me of some friends of mine in LA? We were at a wedding reception, all of us middle-aged and stone-cold sober, and I wish you could have seen us dancing to this song. Dignified? Yes. I remember my one friend pretending to have a lasso to rope me in then spin me away.
White? Yes. Yes we are. Also pretty.
Anyway, during the fascinating football game one guy got hurt.
June: That guy is faking. I would. I would fake injury as soon as I could.
Hulk: Football hurts.
Then that commercial with David Beckham came on.
June: Hang on. Touching self.
Hulk: We don't care about guys or soccer. Why is that commercial on? Token to keep wives quiet. ...Hold on. Am still picturing you touching self.
June: Good gravy.
Hulk: Annnnnd done.
June: Now I want gravy.
June: Oh, good! Madonna!
As soon as the first, you know, gladiator gay guy came out:
June: Okay, but she's like 60.
Hulk: That just makes it worse.
June: Her dancing makes me nervous.
Hulk: She's me. Like a virgin.
June: She's me. A ray of light.
Hulk: She's you. Material girl.
Hulk: I win.
June: WTF does all this 1st and 3rd crap mean?
Hulk: Dude, I can't explain it to you via text. When we are married I'll explain it.
June: THERE'S an exciting wedding night.
Hulk: We won't get married when there's a GAME on.
So there you go. My exciting night of bugging Hulk. And they didn't get free coffee, because they didn't get 54 points. I feel bad for them. They all played so hard.