Recently, I got the following text from Hulk:
"You wanna know the definition of depressing? My unopened box of condoms expired."
I am afraid I may have been the wrong audience for this information, as I (a) found it incredibly amusing and (2) immediately asked if I could blog about it.
Then I am afraid we got way too much into a discussion of the various brands of condoms out there, and that they came in sizes (did I know this? I did not. Because I am a girl and was married for 97 years) and if anyone is out there at Christmastime wondering what to give Hulk as a stocking stuffer, I have all his condom info and you're welcome.
Anyway, the reaching of the expiration date was just too much for the Hulk to take. He was bummed. He was discouraged. He had exceeded his shelf life.
"I really don't know why you can't get any action," I told him, finally trying to be a good friend and not just amused by his plight. "All the women who read my blog ADORE you."
"Great," said Hulk. "Married women who've never met me and who live in other states. THERE'S something to hang your Magnums on."
A few days went by and I had to hear about how Hulk hates himself and how he looks like Mongo
The good news is, this got Hulk primed to start the looking for love. Wooking for wub. And believe it or not, within a week, he'd met someone. A real girl! He didn't have to inflate her or anything!
We're gonna call her Bonne Bell. Which is hilarious only to me but it's my blog so you're just gonna have to tolerate my peccadilloes.
Bonne Bell lives near the Hulkster, has an interesting job and is age-appropriate. I was very excited by this whole thing after the first time they talked. On day two, I texted Hulk, as I am wont to do 79 times a day.
"Have you talked to Bonne Bell today?"
Okay, see. I knew that meant a lot. The "um." So I stampeded to the phone, which is a stupid way to phrase that since I was TEXTING from my phone, so I really had nowhere to stampede.
The POINT is, THEY WENT ALL THE WAY! Hulk and Bonne Bell! The closed the deal. They batter-dipped the corn dog. The threw a log on the fire.
If you catch my drift.
And guess what? Now he doesn't like her. "What kind of person puts out on the first date?" asked Hulk, who had just put out on the first date.
And in his defense, he DID see her again, but was already complaining about her physical appearance ("Getting ready for my big date. Emphasis on BIG," he texted me), and her mannerisms and if you ask me poor Bonnie Bell can do no right now that she did the wrong.
Is this fair? Granted, I am not a first-date-putter-outer, as I am kind of shy that way. But I have zero judgment for anyone who does. I mean, we're adults. You know. Ish. The fact that I just giggled at my corn dog line for 48 minutes is beside the point.
So why doesn't he like her? Is he just doomed to be a single curmudgeon his whole life? Was she just not the one? Should no woman give in to the irresistible powers of The Hulk right away in order to keep him?