I never did find the lining of my uterus, so I thought maybe I'd get shelf liner today at Target or something. What say you?
The other day I was at ...friend's, and he was cooking something because he does actually cook, and Ima tell you how well in just a minute, but anyway he had a bottom cupboard open and I noticed some really spiffy brown-and-blue polka-dotted shelf liner down there, that actually looked good with the throw rug he had, and I said, "Oooo, I like your shelf liner!" Because I am a fascinating person.
"The polka-dotted stuff. Did you pick it out?"
...friend looked at the cupboard. "I've never once noticed that shelf liner in all the time I've lived here. Also, do I really seem like the go-out-and-buy-shelf-liner type?"
Only a boy would live somewhere for more than two years and never notice shelf liner. There have been too many times I've had to cease unpacking because I had to run out and get shelf liner I could stand. I mean, you see that every day for the rest of time.
Or not. If you're a boy.
At any rate, ...friend had offered to come assist me in my hour of need last night, and really, when am I NOT having hours of need? Nevertheless, he offered to assist in this PARTICULAR hour, the hour of no uterine lining. "Can I bring you dinner or anything? How about Thai?"
Well, that sounded absolutely delicious BEFORE my surgery, but once I had some nausea, and once I got my discharge papers that said eat bland things, I changed my mind on the Thai.
"I can have (a) a baked potato and (b) rice, according to my papers," I told him, because perhaps I have not mentioned I am the most fascinating person on earth. "Well, I can make you those things," said ...friend, who recently has begun to cook in an effort to be healthier. He really is kind of healthy. That makes one of us.
"I can make this rice dish," he said. "It involves avocado, too."
I would sell my mother for avocado. I would gleefully take all four pets to the pound, stampede them right to the gas room, for avocado. Go a week without hair gel? For avocado? Sign me up.
So ...friend comes over with all kinds of things, including rice, and then had the audacity to ask for stuff like a cheese grater and a cutting board. Has he met my kitchen? Fortunately I scrounged that stuff up, from deep in the pyramids, because you know how often I'm getting out the implements.
"Do you have a measuring cup?"
JESUS CHRIST! Who does he think I AM, Julia Child? "I do have a measuring cup, but I use it for the dog food," I said. "...wait! I think I have weird measuring spoon/cup things from Ikea somewhere," I put on my Indiana Jones hat and plundered the secret tombs of my kitchen.
I did find this olive-green cup that measured...2/3 of an ounce.
"How many cups are in two-thirds of an ounce?" asked ...friend, who was totally over me.
My point is, he put a bunch of rice on to boil and said, "We don't have to stand in the kitchen anymore," which quite possibly could be my favorite words in my native tongue, other than "free kittens."
So we sat on the couch while the rice boiled, and the thing is, often we are over there trying to out-funny each other, and I have the feeling being around ...friend and me is annoying for anyone who isn't us. Tallulah often rolls her eyes at us. Iris would, too, if she had eyes. So there we were, thinking we were funny, when I started to smell...rice burning.
"#$@&!" said ...friend, dashing up.
So you know what we ended up doing? Going out for Thai. I KNOW. I got those leaves that Tall Boy and I got that one time. Remember I told you about them? They're some kind of, I don't know, LEAF, firmer than floppy lettuce but not like you're eating a succulent or anything. Some kind of cabbage, maybe? What do I know?
The point is, the leaves come with teensy cute bowls of the thinnest-sliced limes and peanuts and toasted coconut and some kind of hi-I'm-Asian sauce and teensy minced onions and ginger and oh! You throw all that on your rubber-tree-plant leaf or whatever and IT IS DELICIOUS.
...friend got some kind of chicken dish (the first person to say, "I thought ...friend was vegetarian" gets slapped with my uterus. What's left of it. I do not know HOW this thought entered everyone's brain but he is 100% NOT VEGETARIAN. I think you must all have him confused with Tall Boy, who I dated for four weeks back in the fall, and I do not know why that stuck inside you all like a barnacle.) and guess what he got with said dish. Guess.
"Oh! I got rice! Would you like some?"
So, anyway, that was my evening, and I feel pretty okay today except I could go for a nap. It's 10:30 and I could go for a nap.
Perhaps I did not mention to you that I am the most fascinating person on earth.