Am taking a break from my hard-hitting morning of reading BOOK RIDICULOUS THREE of that stupid Fifty Slaps of Grey or whatever, and I guess hard-hitting was an appropriate term. Do you know who I'd like to spank? That author.
As if reading THAT trilogy of fine literature weren't enough, yesterday I went to Barnes & Noble with ...friend, because we really know how to throw down, and I picked up (yes), The Thorn Birds for our very sophisticated book club here at Bye Bye, Pie. I found myself telling the checkout clerk, "I'm reading this as a joke, sort of." Because I'm certain the clerk cared deeply. Still. It's like the time in the '80s when I bought a Def Leppard tape.
When we were at Barnes & Noble, I happened to see a magazine all about Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee, and by the way where is mine? Where is my Diamond Jubilee? Could I just go somewhere and you all throw diamonds at me? Because I'm just as dowdy as Queen Elizabeth. Don't I deserve something?
I sat through Rent. Right there makes me Diamond Jubilee-deservable.
Okay, I never sat through Rent. I just thought it was a good line.
Anyway, you will be shocked to hear that as a boy who is straight, ...friend is not what you'd call knowledgeable about the royal family, which to me is an abomination. He also knew absolutely, 100% nothing about Laura Ingalls Wilder, and guess who had to sit at my dining room table for 17 hours getting a brief rundown on Laura? Guess who probably wishes he had faked some knowledge, there?
At any rate, I was perusing the magazine and inexplicably, ...friend was looking at it, too, and asking stupid questions like "Is Queen Elizabeth married?" when I came upon this.
Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot.
"Is that Queen Elizabeth?" asked ...friend. "Why is she next to Bruce Willis? That seems tasteless. What's she got to do with Bruce Willis?"
I am just saying to you. My birthday is coming right up. Could someone please arrange to send me Queen Elizabeth/Bruce Willis Chia Pets or whatever these are? You know what we need? June Chia Pets. We could make sure the plant grows something giant. Like a Redwood or something. Can Chia Pets grow tumbleweeds?
In other news, yesterday I gave allergy pills to all my pets, and oh, right, thanks for all the unsolicited pet advice the other day. I LOVE that. Love!! Anyway, the vet gave us allergy meds since everyone is still itching and Tallulah? Pill in canned food. "scarf scarf scarf scarf snurfle."
Edsel? Pill in canned food. "smack smack smack smack--der more?"
Lily? Pill in canned food. "lick lick lick cause I a cat, lick--pill gone!"
Then I got to Iris. My sweet unseeing Iris. I mean, even better, right? She can't SEE the pill. And yet? "lick lick lick lick--ebrytheeng gone but pill, mom!"
So I tried again. "lick lick lick. dis gud! throw pill away, tho."
Finally, I had to do the shove-it-in-her-gullet trick. Guess what Iris did? Sweet unseeing Iris?
i fowm, mama. i fowm till pill gones.
What a DINK. I HATE it when cats do that. And it's the sweetest ones, I swear! You got a bad cat? Somehow you can get a pill down 'em. A nice one turns into exorcist kitty. pill not gone, mom. sow is myne.
Okay, I'm off. I will close with a lovely photo taken last night during dog walk time. After Barnes & Noble, which I have now mentioned three times like it was the highlight of my life, I went to the Clinique counter for my soap, and they had a "Hey! Buy stuff and get a whole bunch of makeup you don't need, including that moisturizer no one ever uses!" deal. So I got home and put ALL my new makeup on, even though I already HAD makeup on for my romantic date at B&N.
So there I was with two layers of makeup on, and it was like Ru Paul was walking the dogs. "You better walk." I tried to photograph it but the makeup doesn't translate. Nevertheless the entire juxtaposition of this photo kind of slays me. I get to say "juxtaposition" because I hang out at Barnes & Noble. And buy The Thorn Birds.
God, Edsel's eyes look awful. HE'S TAKING BENEDRYL. But be sure to send more...you know.
