Dudes, I have to scream through this post because ...friend and I are on our way to Asheville, which is up in the mountains and, one hopes, cooler than it is here, as it is 10 in the morning and already 950 degrees.
Here I am in the hotel bathroom; I wanted you to see my ensemble. The only downside was as soon as I got in ...friend's car I saw a spot right on my breastical area. "What's that?" I screeched. "Are you lactating?" asked ...friend, who adores his own self and asked the minister if he could perform a ceremony of ...friend with ...friend while he was up.
See? Down near the bottom. See? "I wouldn't have seen it unless you pointed it out," said the other guests, the waitress, the minister, the groom's mom during the ceremony. "Everything is really nice," said ...friend, admiring the decor. "Yeah, particularly my giant stain."
I started wondering if TinaDoris was gonna promise to love and honor my stain during her vows. Maybe they'd whip out unity packets of Shout.
It was around this time that ...friend started to drink.
Everything really was pretty, even my stain. They had kind of a traveling theme, and the card to tell you your table was an old luggage ticket, which I would show you but they had our real names on them. We were assigned to the Dublin table, which was appropriate given that ...friend was hitting the booze. Also, there are a lot of stained dresses in Dublin.
Oh, look. You can kind of blurrily see the luggage thing in the cake pop photo. We all got cake pops, which ...friend had never heard of, and I switched my cake pop with some other hapless soul so that my pop matched my dress. Sadly, they didn't have any stain-colored cake pops.
Hi. I'm June. Won't you enjoy my lactation and forehead wrinkle?
Pretty centerpieces. On some of the other tables were just tall glasses of greens. Hi, straight men! Are y'all riveted? Want me to go back to my stain?
I photographed the food because my Pal from MA always is interested in the food. Here is what looks like mayonnaise-covered salad. It was a creamy herb.
I know I'm being ludicrous, but this was the best blurry bread ever. Warm, crunchy, oh Lord have mercy.
Months ago, when we got invited to this shindig, we had to choose our food. ...friend totally remembered that he got salmon (the first person to think he's a vegetarian gets slapped with my stain) and I had NO CLUE what I'd ordered. I was so hoping I'd ordered the short ribs but figured I didn't in order to be healthy.
Then the waitress came and said, "I have an extra blurry short rib. You were supposed to get salmon." So I took it and really hoped I'd drop gravy on my other breasticle so I'd have matching stains.
"Why you drink so much, Mr. Bailey? Go home, it's Christmas."
The cake was stunning. I like this imploding thing it has going. So cool! I worried it'd be some dumb flavor, like lavender. "What does lavender cake taste like?" said ...friend, who apparently never gets out anywhere. He was also flummoxed by the tinking of the glasses to make the bride and groom kiss. I mean, really? Really? What weddings is he going to? Anyway, "Zest" is what I told him. Lavender cake. Taste like Zest.
But yay! It was blurry orange cake! Oh it was GOOD, you guys. Good.
I was obsessed with people going up to the couple during dinner. YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. You're supposed to leave them alone so they can actually eat. Every time someone would approach them I got irked.
...friend got another drink.
You don't always see brides enjoying their own wedding, and I am so glad TinaDoris seemed to enjoy hers. She cried during her vows and her new husband got a handkerchief out for her. Then all of us effing cried. I mean, everyone was already crying over my stain, so.
It's a shame TinaDoris could not get wasp-waisted for her wedding. Why do I like her?
Anyway, 'twas a good wedding. ...friend got home and ate his cake pop and has decided to approve of them. I scrubbed at my stain.
I must run. Forgive all typos/spacing issues. I am in such a hurry I didn't really get to tell you how my dress was stained.
