First of all, you know how I said on Friday night I went to see my friend Charlie's art exhibit?
He's in a hospital in Charlotte with spinal injuries and Ima get over there as soon as I can. What the Sam Hill? He's currently in intensive care but will start rehab soon. That's all I know so far.
He thinks HE has problems. Look at the 79 vertical lines on the side of my face in that photo up there. Who am I, Cloris Leachman? You could store toast in those lines. And why don't you see people named Cloris anymore?
In other less awful news, I had a cookout on Saturday. Faithful Readers and Friends in Real Life Chris and LillyCloris came over, along with Ned, who brought me another oscillating fan. Here he is putting the dang thing together, and I KNOW he wishes he had my reading glasses right then and I was too busy hostessing to think of it till just now. I also had to send poor Ned, who made the error of making the "On my way, do you need anything" call, to get more condiments, as all of mine had expired. Yes, I said condiMENTS, but go ahead with your hyelarious condom jokes.
Who has condiments that expire? I have to be the only person on earth. When ChrisCloris got here, bringing me 80 home-grown tomatoes, he said, "Oh, crap! We could have just made ketchup!"
See. I might have bought one, you know, already assembled. And look how my yard has nothing but weeds. The yard guy said, "I'll be back in a week" in May. Maybe he meant dog weeks. And yes, I realize I am sitting here jobless with nothing to do and I could be weeding as we speak. I could also be throwing the discus but you don't see me doing that, either.
My dogs were incredibly well-behaved, as usual. People food running amok on the tables and outside? We NOT ALLOWED.
I don't know why my knees look like I have edema right there. Perhaps it was the salt lick I'd chawed all morning.
Eventually, Chris, who ends up doing all the work when he's here and my, it must be relaxing to leave all his work at their farm to come over, got out hamburgers that "we" made, and set the plate right near him. Who took a giant bite out one of the uncooked hamburgers, do you think? No, not LillyCloris. Stupid Edsel. That's who.
We had to cut that part off and I had to eat that one. My life is ludicrous. Also, how do I make grass grow in the shade of that tree? These pictures make my yard look depressinger than it is in real life.
Lilly the person really was there, but she hates pictures of herself, and that is ludicrous because she is really lovely. Lily the cat was there two and didn't give two shits if I took her picture or not.
...Hey! You know what just happened? My lawn guy just showed up! He said he'd been procrastinating because it was so hot, which hello, it really was.
Anyway, that's my story. Yesterday Ned and I went to the movies (Citizen Gangster. I recommend. Ben from Felicity is the star! I mentioned this pertinent fact to Ned, but you can imagine how he already knew, what with the hours of Felicity marathons he enjoys) and then we drove around the rich neighborhood and bemoaned our fate, then finally we got something to eat. I had ahi tuna, which by the way, would marry ahi tuna were that legal. June Dimebag Ahi Tuna. Nice.
During that same meal of ahi love, I was telling beleaguered Ned about the trip I took to London when I was 25. "I saw a double feature of Kafka and Sarte plays above this pub," I began, getting ready to launch into how existentially depressed that made me. "OH MY GOD!" Ned started, because there'd be nothing he'd like better than an evening of absolutely bleak plays like that. Unfortunately, in his Pink Floyd excitement, he inhaled a crispy noodle and spent the rest of the evening trying to hack it up.
Talk about No Exit.
Hey, you know what you can look forward to? Photos of my yard tomorrow after Lawn Boy does all the work today. Woooo!