I am back from the doctor, and I don't want you to get upset, but I have plantar fasciitis. I know! She recommended...Aleve. Also ice. Also cortisone shots if it doesn't get better. Plus also, I cannot do Tracy Morgan for a week.
The Tracy workouts have two parts: the cardio, where you literally jump up and down for half an hour, then the muscular structure workout, which I can still do because it's me lying on the floor doing 949493229 sit-ups and 949495853939 leg lifts. My heels just lie there and smoke the pot or something. They aren't involved, I assure you.
The part where I lie on the floor, incidentally, makes me irresistible to the pets. I am often doing sit-ups with Iris on me, like she's my sightless personal trainer or something.
Oh! And you want to know the best part about today's doctor visit? It wasn't the free blood pressure reading or the part where I stepped on the scale and weigh 98 pounds more than I thought I weighed. No.
Yesterday Ned and I had big plans to take the dogs to Hanging Rock or Blowing Rock or whichever rock. I can never remember what rock I want to go to. The point was, walking. Dogs. Scenery. Dogs being tired after. That kind of thing.
But when morning arrived, it was not what you'd call sunny. Or dry. Or pleasant. "Well, there's only a 90% chance of thunderstorms," said Ned, who tried to accentuate the positive. "We are screwed," I said, but Ned pointed out really the DOGS were screwed.
They had a mummy exhibit, which was cool till I started thinking about how those mummies were real people, and then it kind of freaked me out. Ned went over and looked at the baby mummies like it was nothing. For some reason the baby mummies were way worse for me than the adult ones. Which, I know. I just felt something about a human baby. What is WRONG with me? Is it the plantar fasciitis?
We looked at everything, though. They had a whole "your body" exhibit, where you learned about your innards, and you could test your pulse and oxygen level. (My pulse was 65 and Ned is disgustingly at 58. FIFTY-EIGHT. Just because he eats right and works out constantly. And does HE get heel cancer? No. But I'm not bitter.)
After we'd stared at (Tee, warning) all the snakes and lizards and a really cute sloth who by the way doesn't have a lot of what you'd call vim and vigor (he ate a whole salad lying down. How did he not choke?), I said, "Oh, we HAVE to go outside to see the other animals." Because you know what I am? Wise. And you know why we were at the natural science center in the first place?
Lots of the rain.
It was raining. Is what I am saying to you.
"Do you care that we're out in the rain?" I asked Ned, who does not like pina coladas. And of course he said no, because if he'd said yes I'd have told him to go back in and tend to his vagina. I mean, what choice did he have?
I thought it'd be hyyLARious to take before and after pictures of my hair as the rain hit it, and here you can see it right when I went outside and it was lightly drizzly, but by the time I got to the "after" shots, it was so dark and stormy that none of the pictures turned out. Also, can we talk about how I JUST got those roots done? They don't show like that in real life, but why do they look like that in this photo? The owl is appalled. "Whoooo go out like dat?"
The best part of the outdoor features is the tiger exhibit, and we sat there like idiots for probably 45 minutes, watching those tigers stalk past us. I kept saying I was going to crawl in there and just kiss them for a minute, but the part where I am not just roots and a magenta shoe are your proof I did not do that.
The tigers are brother and sister, and I kept trying to talk them into doing it anyway, because BABY TIGERS. If I lived a few miles from BABY TIGERS, I would never be sad again. However, we'd seen a two-headed turtle at the science center, and Ned said if the brother and sister tiger got jiggy wid it, we'd have two-headed baby tigers.
TWO-HEADED BABY TIGERSES! I am so down with that.
My point is, it was raining. Did I mention that? A little weathery out. And I had on shoes. Suede shoes. Suede magenta shoes. Why I selected those yesterday I WILL NEVER KNOW, except I am not that bright, I did not use either of my turtle heads and anyway, after walking outside in the rain? The hard rain?
AND IT WON'T COME OFF! Ima be like this for the rest of time. I will have to tell people my mother is Magenta from Blues Clues. I have no idea why I know who Magenta is.
So that was the story of my yesterday, and to sum it up, the dogs got bupkis and I got pink feet. The end.
June. Giving Pink a run for her money. Except I can't run with the plantar fasciitis.