I have to go to my NEXT freelance job in less than an hour, so I can't talk to you, firl.
See. I typed "firl" again. What the hell is wrong with me?
Tomorrow I will tell you about Edsel's Great Escape, and also how that jerk TRIED TO BITE ME yesterday, and about the many pressing issues of our time. However, I must very quickly tell you about the 80-foot bug in my sink last night.
I was over there, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, because you know I love that phrase and it never ever gets overused, when I went to the kitchen to deposit a dish in the sink because the dishwasher is full of clean dishes and god forbid I put those away.
And somehow this was scarier--I saw the reflection of the bug--
THE ENORMOUS BUG--
in one of my pans. Seeing how much I use my pans, you can imagine they're still pretty shiny, and able to beautifully reflect
AN ENORMOUS BUG
in the sink.
I did the only mature thing. Well. First I thought about trying to kill it with Tilex, but then I did the mature thing. I called Ned. We had just hung up minutes before, with plans to see each other tonight, and it was, like, 9:30 and he was probably in his tiger-striped pajamas (he had those when he was little. I just figured he went out and got an adult pair) and lo and behold, his phone rings.
"Hello?" says Ned, who is normal.
"THERE'S AN ENORMOUS BUG IN MY SINK!" I wailed. Ned didn't even pause. "You want me to come over and kill it?"
"YES!!!!!!" Click.
For some idiotic reason, I decided to go BACK in the kitchen to look at it again, even though I knew if I saw it I would leap out of my skin, leaving my screaming skeleton dropping its bones all over the floor. And that is exactly what happened. Because it was LEAVING THE SINK and SCURRYING across the kitchen floor.
"AAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK!" I said, giving the dogs 12 heart attacks. I grabbed the phone and ran outside.
"I'm sitting on my porch in my pajamas waiting for Ned," I told Hulk, who is always such a sympathetic listener.
"Aren't there, like, 49 bugs outside? You go to the buggy OUTSIDE to avoid ONE BUG in your house?"
"HE'S AN ENORMOUS BUG!" I screeched. I was all sweaty.
"You are beyond high-maintenance," said Hulk, as Ned pulled up.
I was getting a pre-aura migraine when we walked in, so stressed and screamy and sweaty was I. And then?
Then?
We couldn't find the goddamn enormous bug. OH, we MOVED stuff and got the flashlight which doesn't work (Marvin, how do you get the thing open to put in new batteries? And no, you can't have that flashlight back.) and I even turned off the lights to LURE his enormous bug self back out of hiding.
"I think he's gone," said Ned, who seemed kind of over me. "HE'S NOT GONE! He didn't just pack up his old kit bag and head out the door!" Ned offered to let me sleep at his house, but I had to work today and besides, how ludicrous would it be to LEAVE YOUR HOUSE because a bug is there?
Finally, just as Ned was getting ready to go, we moved a throw rug and THERE HE WAS! THE ENORMOUS BUG!
"AAAAAAAKKKKKKK!" I said, as Ned murdered it. Dead.
"You wanna see it?" he asked. I acreeched and covered my eyes. Ned threw it out in the trash can outside, so even its dead corpse, as opposed to its live corpse, would not be in my house. Then he seemed kind of eager to leave.
So that's the story. And I'd like to THANK the 29 pets I have for not eating said bug. You really pulled your weight, asswipes.
June. Buggin' out.
