In which we hear from Ned. And in which Ned gets kind of violent about sporting things.

A while back, you all came up with the idea that we should ask Ned, the person I've been dating since January, some pressing and personal questions. I said, Yeah, let's do that to Ned, because what's my blog if not a total relationship-destroyer? So I told you to write in your Qs and I'd see what I could do about getting Ned to reply.

By the way, a guy I've worked with refers to ex-girlfriends as "a woman I was once affiliated with" and I love that. So let's just say Ned, the person I am affiliated with, has answered some of your questions. Please note the poor sap who asked, "Is June the funniest person you've ever gone out with?" has NO IDEA the can o'worms she opened with THAT one, and I feel like maybe Ned, oh, overcompensated on that answer.

Without further adieu, because our hair is already lovely, here are Ned's answers to your itching, burning questions.

Have you lived in the same area your entire life, or did you leave for a while for exotic locales and then come back? 

I lived in Raleigh for 27 years, not exactly an exotic location, or even very far at all, before moving back to Greensboro two years ago.

Boxers or briefs?  

Boxers. Unless I'm on a date with June.

Favorite football team?    

I like college football, but don't really care one way or another about the NFL. And college-wise, I like NC State.

Favorite book?

Suttree maybe? Or maybe Sabbath's Theater? I used to think White Noise was my favorite book, but I'm not so sure about that now.

Favorite movie?

Manhattan is one of them.

Do you like Eddie Murphy of old?  

He had his moments.

Do you like Howard Stern? 

Only when he's upholding the dignity of lesbian midget strippers.

Do you understand how hot June and I find Russell Brand? Now if I was a great interviewer like Howard Stern, I would have slipped in the anal question. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.  

Do you mean to ask me if I think Howard Stern and Russell Brand have had, or are having, anal sex together? Because if that is your intention, I definitely think that the answer is yes. Not that I have an inside track or anything of that nature at all. I just think that that's something that they might do.

Ned. Let me ask this: Is June this funny in person? And a follow up: Is she the funniest person you know, or do you make a habit of surrounding yourself with the funny?

June is the funniest person I know. And yes, she is far more funny in person. Funny! God. I have burst blood vessels in the interior of my nasal cavities due to milk rushing through at such high velocities. I have had aneurysms laughing at the funny June brings to the table. My neurologist has begged me to stop seeing June due to the health risk she poses to my well-being. But no, I say, I will not stop seeing June, I am far too crazy about her to even contemplate such a thing, compromises to my health be damned.

What are your top five favorite films? Or top 10 if it's too hard to choose.

Manhattan

The Last Picture Show

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

King Kong

The Big Lebowski

Does June snore?  

Yes. Yes she does.

Ned, Where did you grow up?  

Greensboro

Have you ever lived any place other than NC?  

No

Are you a NASCAR fan? I know it's a big sport in NC.   

Nope

Dear Ned, Do you like pina colodas? And getting caught in the rain?  

Who doesn't?

Dear Ned: ARE YOU READY TO RUUUUUUMMMMBBBBBLLLEEE?  

Of course

What is your biggest fear and/or what grosses you out the most? 

I once found two ticks inside my ear canal, that grossed me out pretty good.

We hear you are a good storyteller. Can you share a story from your childhood that doesn't involve a stick?  

Let's see. I can't decide if I should tell the story about making my brother drink gasoline, or the time I pulled a shotgun on my little sister and all her friends. They're both pretty long though, so maybe another time.

What do you say when you eat something that you DON'T like?  

Something generally along the lines of, This sucks.

Do you enjoy watching professional wrestling?

No

What do you do for a living, if that's not too personal?  

I am a professional wrestler.

I like a signature look. Do you only wear a plaid shirt?  

Not only, but sometimes. Does that disqualify me from a signature look?

I think living downtown is very cool. I would like to know what drew you to the decision to live downtown.

I grew up in Greensboro, and moved back here two years ago. When I grew up here, there was no downtown to speak of. So moving downtown allowed me to feel like I wasn't exactly moving back home. Also I lived pretty close to downtown Raleigh when I lived there.

June says you enjoy the "fancy beer." What is your favorite?  

Right now I like a pale ale out of Foothills Brewery in Winston-Salem called Hoppyum. But everything that brewery makes is pretty good.

Ned what is June's most appealing quality?  

Her fucking intelligence is her very best quality. {Note from June: After this, Ned said things that are not fit for public consumption. But thanks, Ned. Good to know...}

Ned, what are your intentions with our June? Oh, you'll never answer that one. How 'bout where'd you go to college?  

NC State

Dear Ned, This is not a question, just a statement....THANK YOU FOR SUGGESTING TO JUNE THAT SHE MAY WANT TO RECONSIDER QUITTING THIS HERE BLOG!!!!!!   

You're welcome. I take full credit for her return.

Which one of June's pets is your favorite?  

Lily

So, Ned, what's the one thing about June, that you know by knowing her in RL, that you think her faithful readers would never guess? Or is she what we see, no hidden depths?  

She's a pretty shallow person, to tell you the honest truth. So no, no hidden depths.

On a more personal note, do you have any phobias, like Friday the 13th or spiders?  

Ticks. I hate ticks.

Ned, Tar Heels or Blue Devils? Or maybe I should ask, do you like the sports as much as you seem to like our June?

This is such a good question, Duke or Carolina. They are, after all, the only two schools that matter in the state of North Carolina. I went to NC State, however, so I'd have to say that when Duke and Carolina play one another, the very best outcome that could ever possibly occur would have to be structural failure. I'm thinking of concrete blocks raining down upon and the rebar skull-fucking of the families, friends and fans of players and players alike, here. A catastrophe in blue with a healthy dose of splattered red is a nice way of imagining it. I hope this answers your question adequately.

But I like June better than sports anyway.

Favorite food to eat and favorite to cook?

Beans and rice to cook. 

Hey Ned, when did you become a vegetarian?

Today

Have you ever dated a girl as funny as June? Are you funny too?

I have never met anyone as funny as June Gardens. Seriously, I have never even seen anyone on TV or in the movies as funny as June. So no, no funny girlfriends. Or friends. Or girls. Or people at all. And no, I am not funny. At all. At least not compared to June.

Ned, if you had known when you met her that June has 897,869,567,891...okay 30 make believe (very needy) friends, would you still have asked her out?

I already knew that June had the many blog friends when I met her, and I asked her out anyway. So yes, definitely.

If you could develop a screenplay from any book/novel ...what book would you choose?

I would develop a documentary from my own experience and call it Sticky Monkey Rides Again.

Dear Dot Ned Friend (whatever):
Does DW always go out with you guys?  

No

Does he pay for himself?  

Yes

Do you feel like you are in a perpetual "Will & Grace" episode that just will NOT END?   

No. And by the way Hulk, I'm a Braves fan, so here's a big Thank You for 1995.

Ned, do you have any tattoos? If you do, what are they? If you don't, but hypothetically were going to get one, what would it be (besides of course "June 4 Ever")?  

No tattoos. But if I were to ever get one, the only one I've ever considered was maybe a white outline of one of [his cat's] paws on the back of my neck or something.

Dear Ned, What kind of car did you drive in high school?

1967 Mustang convertible. Coolest car I've ever had.

Were you into sports or in the Hall Speaking Club?  

Sports 

...Well, there you have it. We have heard from Ned, and I honestly did not know that I snored. But I DID totally know he'd say Lily was his favorite, what with the sucking up every second he's here and all.

Thanks for participating in Ask Ned! I hope it was as rewarding for you as it was for us, what with the, "WHO DID YOU DATE WHO'S FUNNIER THAN ME??? GO AHEAD! TELL ME!" fight.