Like everybody else in tarnation, I read The Thorn Birds by Colleen What's-Her-Name (I can't find the damn book. Why the hell do I put my books on the shelf by color? What the SHIT is wrong with me? It's the only anal retentive thing I've ever done in my life and all it does is confuse me. I should have them on there alphabetically or something, so then at times like this, when I'm trying to write a review and Ned is in the other room reading Oprah Magazine, waiting for me to be done, I could quickly access whatever effing book I'm looking for and get on with my life.) (But I digress.) in 10th grade, because I was hoping it'd have sex parts in it.
And it did.
Tenth grade was, like, five years ago for me, and perhaps you're wondering why I am the world's most hideous 20-year-old, but that is neither here nor there. My point is, it's been a long time since I read The stupid Thorn Birds, and I wasn't really expecting to like it at all.
But then I did! Who knew? Who knew it'd really have a plot and you'd be all, Wow, what's gonna happen next and so on.
I totally forgot the son died, and you are NOT ALLOWED to get all "spoiler alert" on me, because for the 107th time I'd like to point out YOU HAD ALL SUMMER and also YOU HAD ALL OF TENTH GRADE to read this book so boo! Surprise! Hey! The son dies.
The thing that bugged me most about this book is that Father Ralph deBricksassualt or whatever the eff his name was--and WHO HATES HER OWN SELF for color-coding those books, seriously--is supposed to be so breathtakingly beautiful. Over and over again they mention his beauty, and every time we were talking about Father Ralph I saw stupid skinny gay as shit Richard Chamberlain going to the bathhouse or whatever. Glory hole hallelujah!
I mean, Rock Hudson was gay and I can still be down with his hotess and picturing him taking a fancy to me. But there is absolutely 100% nothing appealing to me about Richard Chamberlain. Blech. He's like your fussy queenie old coworker who gets the heebie-jeebies over too many carbs in the vending machine.
So what I'm saying to you is the TV movie ruined the book for me. Video killed the book-io star.
Book-io. June's blog. Where you come for deep literary discussions and important words like book-io.
Also, I noted the old crabby rich lady, the aunt, was supposed to be so withered up and ancient, and she was in her 60s, for heaven's sake. When I read this five years ago in 10th grade, that seemed super extra old, but Rachel Welch is older than that. Helen Mirren in in her 60s. Jane Fonda is older than that. I mean, why did they have someone so young-ish seeming so dried up and practically the hag in the bathtub in The Shining? Why not make her 90?
They also mentioned Meggie's body getting old and creaky in her 40s, and I'd take issue with that if I weren't mincing around here like I'm hunting wabbits.
Oh, and another thing. Could the brothers have had any personalities whatsoever? Why have 8o of them if they're all the same celibate hard-working salt-of-the-earth character? I also got annoyed when we had to hear about the kids' lives so much and all of a sudden Meggie hardly existed.
I know all I've done is complain, but that's what I do. It's my hobby. I nevertheless thoroughly enjoyed The stupid Thorn Birds and was surprised at myself.
What did you think? Poor Ned is now reading Restoration Hardware catalogs so I gotta go. Tell all. or I'll get thorny. Didn't I already make that joke? God, I suck. You don't see any cardinals eschewing their vows for MY repeat-y ass, over here.