wate. whuts? lu say she do whut? lu vury bizzy person. not haf time to think about your stoopit problems. when lu say all this?
Oh. Yesturday? Lu totlee drunk yesturday.
shitz.
Okay, heer your stupit advices.
Lu, how do I calm the chaos in my life? And what kind of dog food would Radley REALLY like? Do YOU get tired of eating the same food every day? Should I even worry about that? And when can we get you and Radley together? Your red-blonde Pitty selves would look so good together.
how the hell lu sippozed to no that? also, ebry dog want chkkens. we not get tire of that every day. and hoo radley? why lu want to meet nother pit? Lu best pit. better than brad pitts, that for sure.
Dear Talu, I think that you're secretly in love with Edsel but don't want your mom to know in fear that she will separate you two. Would I be correct in this assumption?
lu got two wurds for you. they not "let dance."
How did you convince Edsel to run out the front door the other day?
you not sipozed to go out door. you do that and car run into you. it hurt. not lu falt edzul an eedeot.
Dear Lu, Why am I finding squirrel tails in my backyard with no squirrels attached to them? Are my pups eating the squirrels and not finding their tails palatable? Are they making squirrels with removable tails these days?
what kind dumb azz kwestion that be? you eber try eet skwirl tale? it get caught in neck and choke you. no one eet skwirl tale. who ask this? do edzul ask this?
Lu, any advice on the easiest way to move across the country with my dog?
go in car. how else you gonna go? You pa ingulls?
Lu, Why does my puppy eat rocks? I tried one and they are tasteless.
puppiz are dum.
Dear Lu, I have ghoste terds in my yard,what should I du? Dus this mean I have like you no, ghostes?
lu not eben no wherre begin wif dis. what wrong wif you?
Lu - I gotz big problim. Mom (faythful reader Mrs. Oh) kaut me peeng on ze trash can tuday and all along she blamez One Balled Pete. Ha! Now I kaut though. Ennie advice?
shitz. you got to try hipnotyze mom back to blayming pete. that yur onlee hope.
Dear Lu, I have a sweet great dane puppy that is wonderful but there is a small problem: She keeps pooping in the kids play area, which happens to be full of very expensive rubber bark. This bark is NOT for pooping on, it's for playing on. It's very hard to extract poop from rubber bark. My question is: How do I inspire my pup to poop on the grass and only the grass?
you eber poop on rubber barks? it nice. maybe find new home for kidz.
Dear Lu, Yu so dignified. Waz this lurned or natral? R yu wurried 'bout paparazzi cuz I neber see whure they hyde. Luv, SadieDog
yes. lu alway--MOM! TAKE THESE OFF HEER!
Dear Miss Tallulah,
You are a hottie. How do you feel about a dog of color? Preferably liver and white.
lu sexee and she no it. and she heer once you go liver you don't go...lu not think of ryme.
Why does my Bulmastiff insist on peeing on the bottom of the stairs? He has a whole yard to use as his loo (ha, no pun intended) but apparently the wooden steps are much more attractive.
what you meen no pun intend? you call lu a toilet? you come heer. lu go pit on yer ass. not eben afraid of mastiffz.
Dear Lu, I have 2700 square feet of hardwoods and tile floors. Why does my cat run into another room to find one of the 4 small area rugs I have to throw up her hairballs? And why does she always have to throw up in three spots on them? What's wrong with the hardwood and tile that I can simply wipe up and not have to wash? What's wrong with throwing up in one place?
why the hell you got cat when you could hab dog?
Lu, how do I get Izzi to poop outside, when we're OUTSIDE? We come inside and THEN she poops on the rug.
what the fux a izziee?
Lu, if you were an animal what animal would you be?
lu be the kind of animal not haf to anser kwestions from people she not no. and if you all heer, DO ANYONE HAB TREET? Not seeing any treets.
Lu, the neighbor cat who is a very large tom cat has taken to leaving me feathers and bird remains by my back door. What is the perfect thank you gift for me to get him for all his trouble?
lu suggest bat to hed. cats are stoopit.
Lu! You are a great writer, like your mom.
lu say thankz you. you got treet?
Dear Lu, Why dus the stoopid cat hav to go behind the teevee to do his bisness? It stink and make mom rilly mad. Also why do mom git her pantees in a bunch when I byte the mailman? Don't she know he tastes goood?
lu reefer you to above. cat. stoopit. and lu alway want to byte mailman. mom never let. how you do that?
Lu, I have never seen a picture of you when you are anything less than
calm. ARE you ever anything less than calm? What does that look like?
LU SEEREIS MOM. STOP. GETTING MAD.
Lu~ what is your opinion of the Nipplering children? Former owners of 'Noflake. What do you, Edsel, Lily and Iris do all day when your mom goes off to work?
those kids dum as rock. lu not eet them like dum puppee up there who eat rock.
when mom go to work we get rest. sometime eet poop. sometime bark bark bark bark bark at drunk guy who walk by. sometime we do trigonometree. what the hell you think we do?
Dear Lu, Would YOU fire Chris Antonelli and Manny Acta for assembling and trotting out day after day to the chagrin and frustraion of fans like me this complete and absolute shitpile more formally known as the 2012 Cleveland Indians? And why can everyone else meet someone to share their life with and get jiggy with it on a regualr basis while I'm stuck here asking stupid questions to a dog?
deer unkle hulks. about your sports...
and
also
And, you not getting any because you say "get jiggy wid it."
Lu, I think I'm falling madly in love... I wanted to wait a while, a long while... how do I slow my heart down? Thanks darling!
lu not no what to tell you. maybe you need to get newtered.
Dear Lu, Why does our dog Diesel growl at my husband as he is leaving for work? Is it because he doesn't want him to leave? If so, what can we do (besides the husband taking early retirement)?
lu think possiblee deesel not so brite.
Which is your favorite Beatle and why?
so far they all pretty tasteee.
Preferred napping material - boxers or briefs?
lu go to puppee school with boxer. he nice.
Lu, I'd love to have your life (except for the cat poup eating) so what is the best way to acheive that? Should I find a big hair person to live with?
you a dog? you not a dog? why you bug lu, then? you got treet?
Lu, why are there so many depressed squirrels in the world? I assume they are depressed because I see so many of them wait by the side of the road and then commit suicide by throwing themselves underneath car tires at the last minute.
they depress because they know they got tales no one want to eet.
Dear Lu, Hey! I'm back from a ridiculous birthday vacation filled with an overabundance of wine and decadent food. So, my question is: ab fat. Do you know any secret tricks for getting rid of a spare tire really quickly? And please don't say chasing after squirrels. Number one, I think I'd look more idiotic than I usually do. And two, squirrels freak me out. One more question, if I may: Why does my dog carry her food one nugget at a time over to the rug to eat it. Seems like a lot of work for such a small, gross piece of food. Also? Why does Mexican queso dip have to be so gosh darn delicious? This might possibly be related to the ab fat question.
wate. you got queso dips?
Dear Lu, What do you think of Ned? Have you met Ned's cat? If so, what did you think of her?
NED GOTS A STOOPIT CAT? Lu used to like ned.
Dear Lu, I have a beagle too and she also dug up our dead cat just like you did with Francis. Doesn't that creep you beagles out?
no.
Dear Talu, Can you tell us what you were thinking that time Edsel tried to hump you? Has he tried again? Also, are you as over Ned as you were Marvin? Do you ever storm off screaming "you're not my real dad!?"
edzul a total perv and lu go pit on him one day. and now that lu no about cat, yes. so over unkkle neds.
Lu, why do dogs find drinking out of toilets and ass licking so enjoyable but yet not eat the lettuce I drop on the floor? And who was your favorite furry family member? Or do you wish you were an only child?
if you think lettis so great, why you drop it on floor? also, lu only pet who mattur. lu kind of love henree but he gone. now lu sad. thank for bringeeng up painful subject. who you, anyway? lu go pit on you.
Dear Lu, You're so smart. My question is: what should I paint next?
lu theenk you should paint this kwestion dum.
Dear Lu; When I go for a walk around the block with my mom a Pit Bull in one yard on one side of our loop and a Boxer from the other side of the loop rush out of their yards barking and growling at us. They come right onto the road and circle me. What do we do? The dog's people know and if they are outside and see the dogs they will call them back. The times my mom is the most afraid is when the owners are not outside - she has to scream and yell! Carrying a stick has not helped with my mom's confidence. This has happened three times with the Boxer and two times with the Pit Bull. My mom is very afraid to walk that way now and has shortened my walk because of these two numbskulls. Lu, please help me, what can we do?
deer person wif long kwestion,
luv, lu
Lu? I took two dogs to the groomer this morning, and my most favorite (besides my own, of course) dog of all time was there. He's a huge goldendoodle named Murphy. How can I get Murphy's mom to relinquish him to me and my menagerie?
go pit on her azz.
Dear Lu, Can you ask Edsul if it is really true that if a male can lick his own balls he will never leave the house?
Dear unkle hulks,
luv, lu
honest god. it almost treet time?
Dear Lu, I have a really annoying neighbour who keeps making fun of my height/tells me I look like a child even though I've politely asked him to stop. He is not a friend and is not allowed. Please give me step by step instructions on how to get pitbull on his ass and get some alpha female status/dignity.
do dis:
Lu,
Can you get my daughter to practice her guitar? I don't seem to be getting anywhere with that.
Gracias,
Texas Kari
Do dis:
Dear Talula,
Your mom tried out a few online dating sites. I would like to catch me a
man. Which site(s) does she recommend and which site(s) does she think
are zombie magnets.
p.s. I do not care for zombies.
mom meet ned on okayy cupids. lu not care what you think of zombees.
Dear Lu, Are you prepared for Cosmo's Dad's questions, should he appear here tonight?
lu not afraid of no cosmo dad. she say bring it.
Hey Lu, I sure do admire your sleek and trim figure. Would you care to share any secrets? Specifically, I'm wondering about the cat poop snacks. Real low in calories? Seems possible as they have already been digested once. Tell us what you know girl!
lu onlee got her swoop bak because mom not ever feed enuf. lu eet cat poup cause she starv otherwise. mom a nazi.
...that all? Good. This stoopidest idea ever. who think of it? ...oh. LU DRUNK, OKAY? Sometime you gotta let pit flag fly. lu talk to you laters. now all your problum solve.
