Every person who walks by has to get barked at by him. He stands on the back of the couch and insists, "BARK! BARKBARKBARK! Wrrr--BARK!" Even at the poor drunk guy, who walks by 72 times a day because inexplicably he buys his drinks one at a time at the convenience store down the block. I mean, you KNOW drunk guy will be back. He always is.
"BARK! Wrrrr--BARK!" Maybe Edsel's saying, "Dude. Get a six-pack."
Plus there's the constant snout in my knees when I'm trying to walk around and go about my business, and so on. From Edsel. Not the drunk guy.
But one way Edsel is excellent is he doesn't run away. For those of you who've been around awhile, you'll recall that for the first two years, all Tallulah did was try to get the hell away from me, as though I spent every morning beating her with a crop. Every chance she got, she'd TEAR down the street at a breakneck pace. She has Beagle in her. That was the excuse I used, and not "My dog's an asshole."
This all changed the day I opened the door A CRACK to get the mail and she wedged around me, tore into the busy street near my house and promptly got hit by a car. And let me tell you what. She has never ever escaped again. Which is why I continue to offer Dog Tips From June: If your dog runs away a lot, hit her gently with the car.
I can't remember how I learned that Edsel wasn't a run-away-er. It must have been one of those stupid times their leashes got twisted and while trying to UNtwist, I dropped one, or maybe he ripped off his Gentle Leader, which he's always trying to do beause he abhors it like he abhors drunk guy. Whatever the situation, Edsel was suddenly on his own
and he CAME RIGHT BACK. He always does. When we get back from dog daycare, I can just let him out of the car, and he runs right to the front door. The trash cans are near the back gate, and sometimes if I take the trash out, he'll come with me and go right back in after.
So he's good that way. Tallulah I still don't trust, even though the three of us JUST LAST WEEK were walking to the mailbox ON THE BUSY STREET and her Gentle Leader came off because she rubbed her face in the ground till it did. I turned around to yell at her to stop trying to rub off Gentle Leader (did I mention they abhor those?) when I saw she was sans any collar or leash whatsoever.
Oh, I was horrified. There we were, RIGHT ON that busy street. But you know what she did? She flattened herself to the ground, mortified to be loose. And I clipped the evil Gentle Leader right back on her.
Still. Don't trust her.
My point is, the other day I was cleaning up and doing errands and I kept going out the front door to throw things in the trash because I didn't want to traipse through the acorny back yard and trip. About 20 minutes had passed before I noticed the conspicuous absence of a snout in my knees. "Where's Edsel?" I asked Talu, who doesn't give two shits where Edsel is, ever.
"Edsel!" I called, and even if he's let himself into the back yard through the screen door, he hears me and comes tearing over the second I call him. Mom want edzul neer? oh it edsul day! oh happy day! Mom want edz!
But that day? Nothing?
"EDSEL!" I said, growing alarmed. What if the cats had stabbed him? What if he'd drunk poison in some kind of Romeo-Edsul-love-mom scenario?
Then I noticed the front door. Wide open.
The last time I'd come back in, I'd had a trash can and a litterbox in my hands, so I kicked the door shut with my foot. My brute strength must've not been enough to close it all the way, and Edsel? Must have snouted the door open and run out.
"Oh my god!" I screeched, running out the door like that PSA where the drunk guy gets into his car. "Don't take the car! You'll kill yoursaaaaaaa!" Did you ever see that one? She never gets to finish the "lf" part.
I adore YouTube.
ANYWAY, I ran outside, in a total panic. If one pet's not peeing all over the house, the other's getting cancer or running out the front door to kill himsaaaa.
I looked up the street, and there? STANDING ON THE CORNER OF THE BUSY STREET, was Edsel. He'd just been STANDING there. And I saw him standing there. Wooo!
No, I will not YouTube that song.
My theory is he got outside and was all, edzul ezcape! edz a rebbul! edz--o shitz. edzul skare.
I don't know what kept him from dashing into that street, other than moron-ic-ness and general fear and the part where God wants to punish me for selecting Edsel in the first place so he will give me Edsel TILL THE END OF TIME, but the good news is, as soon as I called him, he came tearing back, and you could tell he was totally relieved. In two years of living here, he'd never once escaped, and I have the feeling that was his last hoorah.
So that was Edsel's great escape. Maybe one day we could get him to write a guest post about it.