I wish I could begin to tell you how happy it makes me to announce I am DONE WITH ALL FREELANCE WORK as of 10 minutes ago. Aaaaand I finally got the certificates and stuff from our fine U.S. government that will allow that Polish company to finally pay me.
Does anyone remember all fall, when I did freelance work for a company out of Poland? Yeah. Still haven't gotten paid yet. It's not their fault--I had to do some stuff so I wouldn't get taxed there as well as here, and my, what efficient, unfrustrating dealings I had with the IRS and so on.
Anyway it all got straightened out and yay. Insert Polish joke here.
So now that THAT'S finally ended and all I have to do is sit here and wait for the cash money to roll in, I get to obsess about my weight. I just found out my class reunion, my
THIRTY EFFING ITH REUNION
is happening in July. Because I am youthful, is what I am. The bloom is so totally on this rose. Mmm-hmm. My point is, I must FIGHT TIME and show up at that thing looking 18 and healthy and lovely and painfully, scarily thin. My goal weight is, "Has June been ill?"
So what say you to good diet plans? Ned said, "Why don't you try the eat less/exercise more diet?" I asked Ned why he doesn't try to go-fuck-yourself diet.
I was thinking of getting that Fitness Pal app, only because Richard on the Howard Stern Show lost weight with it, and it is sad, really, how often Howard Stern and his people affect my decision-making.
...I just spent 80 hours trying to find you the YouTube clip from Arthur, where a guy says, "I never drink. I think drinking affects your decision-making." And Arthur says, "You could be right. I can't decide."
Really, way too much of my life is spent quoting Arthur.
Okay, so yeah. Diet suggestions, please. I mean, no matter what I do to lose weight will probably work, given my current strict regime of fat, salt, caffeine and cuticles.
Before I go, and I know it makes you sad to see the back of my interesting head out THIS doorway, let's look at some more readers who sent in their photos, shall we? Cause we only have 90,000 to go.
Here is a small but intense photo of CBA. No one ever calls me small. But they WILL when I get on that DIET you recommend to me.
Funny in My Mind, who's been reading me forever. I helped her come up with that name. Because I love me. I like how I can take a picture of someone else and make it about me. Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem about her?
Becky, right, lives in my old neighborhood in LA. Envy. Have the envy.
Hazel has a blind cat named Lily. I KNOW. We are the same person.
Here's the Girl in the Red Shoes, who is not living up to her name, but who falls under the Disgustingly Pretty category of readers. Maybe all these hot chicks read me cause they identify. Maybe hot lava and Halloween candy are gonna fly out my ass, too.
Red Shoes mentioned her baby is 4 months because she knew I'd be all, "And here's her 17-year-old son." You know how I am. Four months. Ten years old. I can't tell.
Here's Donna in Australia. If you read me in 2008, and did not kill sell from boredom yet, you may recall she sent in a family portrait with her mom's floating head, and I was nice enough to superimpose self in said portrait. Cause love self. So bad. Oh, look. Another picture of someone else that I made about me.
Say, look what I found. heeeeee.....
Mostly Lurking Elizabeth is my people. Obvs.
Cash claims to love my blog, but I think Cash is full of shit.
Katie near Cleveland loves her dog, and I want you to know I am obsessed. LOOK AT HIMMMMMM.
Okay, you have no idea how many times I tried to make Alizabeth not sideways. Give up. She is in Seattle. Have also sat on that pig. Insert June-in-high-school joke here.
...Oh. It's right-side up now. Son of a...
Ericka says she no longer has photos of her without her children in them. They look pretty smug about that, don't they?
This California lurker says one day she's gonna send me two dollars. I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!
Did anyone else love Better Off Dead?
Erin says she's NOT THE OTHER ERIN. Is anyone confused? Also, am dying over dalmatian child.
Cig in Arizona says she is a lurker. She is one of the pretty lurkers. Getting annoyed. PRETTY READERS NEED NOT APPLY. AM FEELING INADEQUATE.
Garden Girl! She has commented forever. Also very cute.
GODDAMMIT.
I mean, right? There is no need to say that Kerry from Oregon is not just my people, she just IS ME. So mad I do not own a photo of me doing just this. How shellfish of her. See what I did? See?
Yeah, I think we should end there. It will not get better than my soulmate Kerry. More pictures to come. Because wow, did ya'll all ever get into this project.
And don't forget my diet!! I have 25 weeks to lose 750 pounds. Is there a Moon Pie diet I don't know about?
