You know what I did last night? I humped Edsel. He's always JUMPING on poor Talu and humping her, and she shows her mean teef and then he gets scared and 17 seconds later he does it again. Because Edsel is brilliant.
So last night I was lying on the floor doing Tracy Anderson, and there went Ned's fantasy night, when Talu came over and rubbed her cute dog head on me to say hello. She's such a pleasant dog. She doesn't drool all over me and leap around like she hasn't seen me in 29 years, she just rubs her head on me. hi moomz.
But Edsel saw our exchange, so he stormed over and knocked his head into my arm, then humped Tallulah to show her she has SOME NERVE acknowledging me.
Well, that was it. I PAUSED Tracy Chapman, got right up and pulled Edsel's slim doggie hips right to me. "You wanna hump so bad? How do you like THIS?" hump hump hump. He was appalled. He put his ears down and looked back at me in awe. I think he had no idea anyone here could hump but him. He slunk away, stunned.
"How long before he's humping Tallulah again?" Ned asked me later that night. "Oh, he's violating her as we speak, I'm certain," I said. In the meantime, I hope no one reports me to animal welfare.
Ned and I went to the old movie theater we like so much and saw Easy Rider, which mostly consists of Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper going around being high on the gange. Also, who knew Jack Nicholson used to be cute?
Afterward, we went to get something to eat because I had worked out and hadn't had dinner and I was the cranky hungry. I got tuna, and Ned ONCE AGAIN mentioned how the bread wasn't really a good part of Project Emaciation, and if I could have humped Ned into submission I would have. Who told him he had a voice in Project Emaciation? "You know what I'm doing," he said his mantra smugly, "is eating less and exercising more." If he says that ONE MORE TIME, he's gonna be breathing less and bruising more.
In case anyone cares, though, I've lost a pound. Take THAT, manorexic Ned.
But let's talk about Ned for a minute. Or rather, let's talk about my hangups for a minute, and apparently it's 1967. What're your HANGUPS, man?
I adore Ned. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that to you. Oh, I just love him to death, except for when he tells me to eat less and exercise more. But here's my thing. I used to just love Marvin to death. Remember that? Well, you probably don't, because by the time I was blogging we were circling the drain.
But that's what scares me to pieces. How do you know that the person you adore today isn't going to be the person who drives you berserk five years later? How do you keep yourself feeling the way you do when you first met the person?
When I married Marvin, we had the ceremony out behind a cool old bed and breakfast, down by the water.
Before everything got started, people were seated and I was hiding behind a building so I could make my grand entrance. Why can't every day be my wedding day? Because what was more fun than hundreds of people awaiting my arrival and me looking great in a big dress? See. I really should be a drag queen.
Anyway, while I hid behind the building, I peeked around to see the crowd, and there was Marvin, just splayed out on a chair, like he was in the lobby of the car repair place or something. He was so, you know, casual. And it was so Marvin, and I had this feeling: "I am absolutely doing the right thing."
And here I am divorced. So, what's the secret? Do you know? If you say "communication" Ima kill myself, cause we did nothing but communicate. So what KIND of communication? What does that even mean? It's kind of like when someone majors in Communications. I never knew what that meant, either.
Do tell. Cause I was lucky enough to find somone wonderful and I'd like to not ruin it by being me.