I was super-busy Ned-ing yesterday and never had a minute to write. So now I gotta cram everything that happened Saturday and yesterday into one post, and who knows how to draw the reader in and beg for more? Nothing's more compelling than "...now I gotta cram everything..."
Speaking of which, Hulk's date was not what you'd call successful. He can tell you about it in the comments if he wishes. He didn't say, "Oh, and put THIS on your blog! And tell them all THAT part, too." Although I do tell all my friends in real life that everything they tell me is blog material unless they warn me otherwise. Then I get all offended when they tell me something King Kamehameha personal and then say, "Don't put this on your blog."
"It turns out I like wearing my child's tutu and lip syncing Carmen like that orange from Sesame Street. DON'T PUT THIS ON YOUR BLOG!"
See, I just kind of made it seem like that's something personal Hulk told me, and it isn't, but now am PICTURING Hulk in not-Chloe's tutu singing Carmen and am dying. I can't see Chloe owning a tutu, however, as she is not June Girly.
Oh my god, I said I had to cram and have told you zero so far.
On Saturday, Ned and I had a Gift of the Magi thing going on where we had been really excited to finally have a weekend together without his pesky WORK and WORK TRIPS getting in the way, and he told his brother he couldn't go to a basketball game and I was feeling guilty that my friend Daniel Boone was in town for his kid's concert. Yes, Daniel Boone has kids. Three of them. I don't KNOW why it's never come up. He's actually very involved with his kids and has some custody of them, but I never met them. I did see them the time he was on the freeway and refused to wave at me.
Anyway, I finally said, "You wanna hang out with Daniel Boone Saturday afternoon after his kid's concert?" and Ned was all, "Oh! Is he gonna be here? I was supposed to go to this sporting event..." He calls every sporting event a "sporting event" since he started hanging around me, and I also caught him calling something "King Kamehameha" the other day.
So our deal was he'd call when he got home and all three of us would go to dinner or something, and in the meantime D Boone got to my house at around 5:00.
I answered the door in my sexy workout clothes, all sweaty, my hair 50 different directions, and basically super appealing. King Kamehameha appealing, if you will.
"So, you waited till I GOT here to shower so I could sit here and wait for you?"
Really I'd been a poor manager of my time, having been with Ned for most of the day. The point is, D Boone ended up watching me put on my makeup, and because his ex-wife did not WEAR makeup (Dear Women Who Wear No Makeup: I do not understand you. Love, June), he was riveted.
"What're you doing now?"
"Primer. You have to prime the pump, as it were, before foundation." I do a whole involved kabuki makeup, as you can imagine. Doing my makeup is my favorite part of my day. I know that is sad.
"What are all those TUBES?"
"These are my mascara choices. I have many kinds. For the Many Moods of June."
"Oh, you'll need more tubes than THAT, then."
Finally my mask was on and we headed to the dessert place. There's a lovely dessert place near me that has all kinds of decadent stuff, and big comfy couches and lounge chairs and fireplaces and it's great. Daniel Boone had never been there but he was beside himself because they have about 20 kinds of cake.
"We can't--oh my god. Should we--oh my GOD. We can't just-- LET'S GET THREE!!"
Daniel Boone ended up getting three slices of cake--we got birthday cake, banana pudding cake and carrot cake which thank all that is holy was sans raisins. There is no reason for a raisin.
After, we had to run to Target because I am a fun nondate, and DB bought all the stupid things I purchased there. Then he insisted we go to the grocery store to replace Ned's red wine he drank while he was at my house, and he also bought me coffee, and basically Daniel Boone was literally my sugar daddy. By the time Ned got back into town, D Boone had to go, as his dog needs antibiotics (allergies) (I knew someone out there would Need to Know).
"So, I got to be here for your getting-ready routine and your errands, and now I'm leaving so you can go have a great night with Ned? Is that how this just worked?"
It totally did. Ned and I went to dinner and talked and had just a lovely night. And Ned got free wine.
On Sunday, we went to see all the short films that have been nominated for an Oscar. We have a $900,000 bet about which one will win, and I guess I don't know what'll happen if neither of us is right, but I already OWE Ned $900,000 from a bet we placed about one of our waitresses somewhere or another, so if he loses we'll be even.
Then I am sorry to tell you I watched the goddamn Super Bowl. I just wanted to see the commercials, which were disappointing, if you ask me. I wanted the purple team to win, because the red team had said something homophobic in the weeks leading to the Super Bowl and that pissed me off. At 9:00, I went home and watched Downton Abby.
In fact, when Hulk called me to tell me his date was a bust, the first thing out of his mouth was, "If you make Ned watch Downtown Abby tonight instead of the Super Bowl, I will never be friends with you again."
Oooo, what a threat.
"DOWNTON. It's DOWNTON," I told him, and I totally shoulda let him hang thinking I would do that to Ned or that Ned would LET me do that to him.
My point is, even though I was back at my house all by myself, when Downton Abby was over I turned the station back to the goddamn Super Bowl. What is happening to me? And the purple team won so yay.
Oh, I did like that Paul Harvey farmer ad. Were there any you liked? I never saw my Budweiser baby horse commercial; must have come on during DOWTOWN Abby. Who's annoying? Is it Hulk?
So there was my cram post. I did not say one funny thing this entire post, did I? Orange you glad there are other blogs out there?