Today I have many stupid things to talk about, and you will be stunned at how pressing they are. "Thank heavens June covered this topic," you'll say, at your daily round tables with your friends to discuss my blog.
What do you mean, "What round table?"
First of all, I got some new mascara. I know! You know you're stampeding over to the Algonquin or wherever right now to discuss prematurely. You're having premature elocution on this.
I got my mascara from the grocery store, and what's sad is I'm impoverished June. Regularly employed June would NEVER get her mascara at the grocery store. But seeing as I now apply 50 coats a day, I run out more quickly and needed a replacement. I would like to continue to thank everyone else for being allergic to their Latisse and sending me practically full bottles. I haven't had to buy Latisse in ages.
Yay, readers! Yay, allergies! June. Being glad you have itchy, red eyes since 2013. Oh, you are SO discussing my bitchiness at the round table.
I bought Maybelline Rocket, which sounds like some kind of marital aid, and let's discuss how I used to buy Chanel mascara. Which cost eleven thousand dollars a tube. Oh, I miss having dollars. You know how they say money can't buy you happiness? That's a bunch of bullshit. Of course it can. Mascara makes me infinitely happy.
Anyway, at least I had the seven bucks to get this, and I should be grateful, and note how I was already gleefully ripping it open before it occurred to me to photograph this for posterity.
I only use a Shu Umura eyelash curler. I worked with this super-annoying woman who had seven kids (7!), none of whom she paid any attention to because she was newly divorced, and no one mention how I go out with Ned and leave the dogs here. In fact, she had kids five and six to KEEP the husband--she told me that--and kid seven with the new boyfriend to keep him. Then she told me I was selfish for not wanting children. That is when I murdered her and stole her Shu Umura eyelash curler.
No. But what DID happen is this woman owned ALL the MAC eye shadow colors. All. And she'd do her makeup at her desk, which I'd scoff at if I didn't do that too sometimes. One day she asked if I had a curler, and when I whipped out the Maybelline one I bought in eighth grade, she said, "Oh. Forget it. Thanks." Then she told me about Shu Umura, and if you think I didn't STAMPEDE OUT and buy one right then. That was in 2000 and I still have it. I replace the pads, obvs.
Round table discussion: How often do you change your eyelash curler pads. Hulk?
In other news, today is Miss Doxie's birthday. She really doesn't blog anymore, which is a shame, because when I FOUND her blog, in 2007, I read it and read it and died laughing. She is also absolutely gorgeous, and has a fancy job, and a really cute husband, and two 9,000-year-old daschunds.
One day, I as sitting in my lawyer's office, preparing to divorce Marvin, when I got an email from Miss Doxie. I didn't even know she knew I existed. And a ludicrous friendship was born. And no. I SHOULDN'T hang around anyone this pretty.
Anyway, happy birthday, Doxie! Many ridiculous returns of the day.
When I was searching for a photo of Doxie, I also found this.
The other crucial bit of news I had for you is that the other day I was at Ned's, who asked, "Would you like a Thin Mint?"
...? Has anyone ever said no to that query in the history of time? Why even ask? Why not just GET OUT the Thin Mints and hand them over? Which he did, and I noticed the box was unopened even though I know he's had those cookies at least two weeks already. So I opened the box and got out one cookie, and he did too. And then he left the room. Naturally, I had another cookie and wondered when he'd be back for his second one, when minutes passed. And many more minutes. This was the day he was making that vegetable stock, so I thought maybe he was distracted.
"You want me to bring you another cookie?" I asked.
"You aren't gonna have any more?" I mean, I've never even considered such a thing. ONE Thin Mint? Seriously? Is he some weird religion or something?
"You don't, just, eat a whole sleeve of cookies," said Ned. Who has no idea how things work. He also gives his poor cat ONE hypoallergenic treat at a time. Per day. If that. One. "It's not good to have a whole bunch," he said, and I'm wondering if he has some kind of self-hatred that is super deep-seated or something.
So my Q to you is, what the hell's wrong with Ned?
And finally, I leave you with this video, which means a lot and answers all the questions of our time. Other than the one about Ned and his cookie.
Round table discussion: Flapping lips. Why does Talu eschew?