Two nights ago, I spent $15.50 on a slate-colored eye pencil from Clinique. I was trying to get the free gifts they have, and I always get my facial soap from Clinique (I get the mini bars so I can use them at home AND travel with them) (I know! Brilliant grooming tips from June) (then I left one at Ned's mom's and realized they're so small you forget them) (stupid grooming tips from June), but I needed to spend a grand total of $25 to get the free gft with purchase.
Does anyone else love the free gift with purchase from Clinique? I find their eye shadows ludicrously hard to put on. You scrape scrap scrape the palette and then put absolutely nothing on your eyelid and it bugs. But the lipstick? And the moisturizer? And this time you get a free exfoliator, too!
Yes, I know I have no job and shouldn't have been purchasing any Clinique anything. God, you are so no fun. In fact, I went in there and realized it'd been one whole year since I'd bought any makeup at the department store. I used to love going to buy makeup at the department store. It was kind of my hobby.
My point is, later that evening I saw Ned and was obsessed with my new slate eyeliner. "The jury is out on this eye pencil," I told him, lifting my eyes at him dramatically. "Oh, you look lovely," said Ned, having absolutely no idea what he was supposed to be looking at.
The other day he was making fun of me for not knowing some sports thing--it was a sports person or maybe some event, and he was completely astonished that I would have no idea what he meant. You know how the eye shadow and its scrapeiness irk me? This is 10 times worse. WHY WOULD I BE EXPECTED TO KNOW A SPORTS THING?
"What's the difference between a lip stain and a lip balm?" I asked him. He said that was altogether different. That most people know sports things and many people don't know makeup things. I think that is so Nedcentric I can't even stand it. Do you agree? I say it's even. The same number of people who don't know sports things = the same number of people who don't know makeup things.
Did you know that when every earth-shattering thing happened to our nation in my lifetime, I was grooming?
When it came on the radio that Elvis had died, I was looking in the mirror, trying on different wrap-around sweaters to go to dinner with my father. Yes, in Michigan sometimes you need a sweater in August.
When John Lennon died, I heard about it while applying mascara in the mirror. I remember specifically the kind: It was a Revlon with a soft-tip applicator, supposedly so you'd look natural. The part where I applied 11 coats and black eye pencil to my inner lids really helped with that natural effect. Perhaps had my parents both been mimes that would have been my natural eye.
When the Challenger exploded, I was at an old lady clothing store buying a black ribbed turtleneck. Black turtlenecks were just becoming fashionable but in dumb Saginaw no one knew that yet, so I had to buy one at the old lady store, where they'd never gone out of style. All the old ladies, who were probably my age now, were clutching their pearls and watching a portable TV and I saw the Challenger.
I was applying Jergens lotion to my legs when 9/11 happened. It was a special kind of lotion--supposedly the more you used it, the less you had to shave your legs. I had to stop using it because the smell depressed me after that.
I am just saying to you, I think I groom a lot.
Anyway, yesterday I emailed Ned. "Just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror," I wrote, as if I don't run over and consult the mirror like it's my swami every 14 minutes. "Was attracted to self. Think eye pencil is working for me."
"I TOLD you you looked lovely," said phony-ass Ned.
Do you have any makeup you've liked recently? Is there anything you think I should try? You know, once I get employed or something? Do you wish black ribbed turtlenecks were still in? Heaven knows I do.
Oh, and I have an idea. If you leave a comment today and you have Siri, try to leave it on Siri. In the comments yesterday, I called Faithful Reader Kira "keratinocyte" thanks to Siri. I thought it'd be amuuuusing to see what else that heifer screws up.
Siri, I mean. Not keratinocyte.
June, off to do her makeup.