I forgot to tell you that my holiday was a total bust. I guess I was too traumatized to remember.
April Fool's Day is my favorite holiday, followed closely by Valentine's Day because I like the colors. For years, really all my life as soon as I could talk--and that was at about two months--I started April Fooling people. You can imagine the hilarious pranks I pulled off at nine months.
When my stepsister Uma was about 13, and had skipped a grade in school because she was so smart, and was super extra good and quiet and no trouble at all and so forth, I called my mother on April 1. I must've been 19 or so.
"I promised I wouldn't say anything, but I have to tell someone. Uma wants to go on the pill. She wants me to take her to the clinic."
Oh, that was a good one. My mother was beside herself with worry. That was also the year I told my dad I had joined the Army, because they said they were gonna send me to Europe.
"YOU CAN'T EVEN PLAY BADMINTON! HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO GET BY IN THE ARMY?"
In my defense, I would have made a fantastic Army-er.
Through the years of our stupid marriage, Marvin woke me to say Tallulah had caught a snake, and once he called his sister to ask if I was there because I'd stormed out the night before, and so on. As I recall, he never succeeded in fooling anyone once. This year he's put on his Facebook page that he's accepted a teaching job in China. "Go on there and back me up," he texted me.
Oh, he had TONS of people wishing him well and thinking that was just great. His FB friends are morons. This is the same guy who changes his birthday on Facebook several times a year, just to get all the "Happy birthday!" messages. Why does anyone like Marvin?
Anyway, the first thing I did this year was call my mother at 8 a.m., because what you have to do is call people early before COCKBLOCKERS such as my STEPFATHER alert her to the date.
My ex-in-laws had been in town, but my mother did not believe me that we all went to dinner and then to a strip club. Oh, I had a whole story about it, how we all said we've always kind of wanted to go to one, and I was so brilliant with this idea, as long as my mother didn't remember I've been to strip clubs eleventy times.
"I didn't get to bed till 3 o'clock, honey," my mother said crankily.
"You should really turn your ringer off, then, if it's going to be April first," I told her. I mean, has she MET me? Have I not tried to fool her for FORTY-EIGHT YEARS now? It's not MY fault people don't take precautions.
Last year, I didn't even TRY to fool Ned, as we had just started dating and so on. This year he was doomed.
"BUNNIES!!" was the subject of my email to him. "A reader put a whole basket of bunnies on my porch!" I enthused. "The card says 'Two for Ned.' Do you want both white ones, or one of the black and white ones?"
I have, in fact, gotten stuff on my porch from readers, so that wasn't comPLETEly far-fetched. And I thought the part where two bunnies were a gift would make him panic.
"Oh, good I just made more vegetable stock. I can skin them and have a wonderful stew."
See. I was failing all the way around, dude.
When I got to work and started laughing before I could even tell my co-worker Vilhelm Oyster that I am transgendered and needed his support, I knew I wasn't gonna have any luck. April Fool's '13 was a bust, man.
When I was home for lunch, my old friend Sleeping Beauty called me just to chat. You know how she has that glamorous job, and half the time--at least before she had a baby--she'll say, "Well, I have to go. I'm in Eygpt and gotta go to work." I'm always, "Yeah, I'm at TARGET, so I have to go, too."
We talked for a long time before I said, "I didn't manage to fool anyone today."
"What do you mean?"
"For my HOLIDAY," I said.
"OH MY GOD! It's April Fool's Day!" she said. "I just got back from Australia last night and totally forgot. You could have so gotten me."