I am home only briefly, as Ned and I are going to lie by his pool, because we're not aged enough, then go to dinner. Last night I MADE dinner, and I guess I should have warned you before I just blurted that out. All 17 of the people who read me on Saturday just fell over. Your families are over there elevating your legs and giving you air and so on.
Yesterday was my day off, which I told you about already, skimmy. I mean, I didn't tell you TODAY, and let's say you had oral surgery yesterday and are finally able to get up and about, and you made your way over to my blog with your pudding and other soft food stuffs, and you decide to read from the top down, so you didn't KNOW I had yesterday off, and now I've called you "skimmy."
I am such a bitch.
But I did. I had yesterday off, and I did all kinds of things I've been meaning to do, one of which was mail a bunch of stuff. There's one of those mailbox stores near my house, and I prefer it to the post office because there aren't lines, usually, and the people who work there are nice and there's free coffee. So I schlepped over there, and there was just one person ahead of me.
I'd like to point out that she was not a doddering old lady. In fact, she was young and kind of pretty. And she's up there with a few pieces of mail, asking the guy there 700 questions. "Is this enough postage?" "Can you give me more postage?" I mean, it's a MAILBOX STORE, so I'm feeling like maybe they might be able to SCROUNGE UP some stamps, lady, yeah.
"Can I mail this right here?"
"What about these things? Can I just give them to you? And you'll mail them?" I mean, had she just gotten here from a Third-World country where there's no such thing as a mailbox store? Had she time-traveled? What? God.
She moved to the side, like she was finally done. "Oh! And when will that get there?"
You guys. At first I tried to be patient, which you know is my strong suit, right up there with cooking anually. I looked at all the envelopes and pens and candy they had for sale, and hey! They had Lik-m-Aid Fun Dip, which is the world's deliciousist candy, with the white sticks which I'm sure are full of nutrients. And the three pouches of powdered superfood that you stick the white candy into.
Attached please find an extremely flattering picture of me, having Lik-m-Aid for lunch. God, those white sticks are delicious. It has always annoyed me that you don't get THREE sticks, one for EACH pouch.
So yeah. Picked up some Lik-m-Aid, because they say it's good to get a lot of color in your diet, and then Oooo! Candy cigarettes, so I got a pack of those because I was having a fake-nicotine FIT, and also some Nickel Nips, which sounds dirty but they're these.
Even after all that candy shopping, you guys. EVEN AFTER ALL THAT. "And is this package insured?" "Oh! And before I go, can I get some..."
Seriously, it's a wonder I'm not writing you from county jail right now. That effing woman WOULD NOT GET OUT MY WAY, with her QUESTIONS and her HESITATING already. No human has passive-aggressively sighed more than I did that afternoon. I was practically lightheaded.
After that, though, I tried on shoes at Belt. My mother called Belk "Belt" just one time, and now I can't call it anything else. It's like someone my cousin knew who said "big-bone-ded." Now everyone in my family says "big-bone-ded" and it's all that person's fault.
I liked these, and I sent a photo to Ned with the Q, "Too slutty?" and he was all, NO! NO NOT AT ALL! And someone is apparently into huge tramps. I did not get them, though, because I am not Adrienne Maloof. I mean, where am I gonna wear 12-inch slutty heels that zip up the back? Other than in Ned's disgusting fantasies.
Oh, and Marvin canceled on me. Because, person who had oral surgery and didn't read yesterday's post yet, I was SUPPOSED to have lunch with my ex-husband, and he claimed a big storm came through and dropped a TREE on his road and he literally could not get out. Pfft. I say. If he'd REALLY wanted to have lunch with me, he'd have moved that tree.
So I made salmon, my one of two dishes that I can cook, and red potatoes, and I made a salad, and then Ned and I had candy cigarettes for dessert.
So that's all I have to tell you, except for the news flash that Julie Delpy's ass has reached gargantuan proportions, and you get to see her bare breasts for a good 10 minutes in that Before Midnight movie. If that's not a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is. Seriously, that is one ass on her. If she put on some white pants, we could have a slide show on that thing. And it's not one of those sexy round big asses, either, I am sorry to tell you. It's just a big ol' white girl arse. You know those sweatpants that read "Juicy" on the back? She could add 14 more adjectives.
We're talking ass.
With that, I am out of here. I leave you with Ned sucking a Nickel Nip, because why not.