Last night, Ned and I went to the old movie theater we like and saw Guns of Navarone.
Guess whose idea that was? And if Ned might have said to me, "I sat through Gone with the Wind. Shut up." I would not tell you that, because it would not be polite to tell a girl to shut up and I'd hate to ruin Ned's pristine reputation around these parts.
When you go to the old theater, you have to sit through this man standing on the old stage, talking interminably about the movies coming up for the next 72 years. Ned and I went to that theater for, like, our third date, and we watched the Coming Soon! list that stretched out for a year. I remember thinking, "I won't even be SEEING this guy by the time these movies come out."
Anyway, Ned, who I'm still seeing, saw the poster above and said, "Why is Richard Pryor in this movie? It seems like a poor venue for him." Look at the guy on the right. I guess I needn't tell you that Ned rushed out and bought one of those heart necklaces that's broken in two, and is wearing both halves himself.
In other pressing news, because the above was completely riveting information, I have a funeral to go to today. A friend's mother died. I asked to take a late lunch so I can go at 3:00. In case you're worried sick, I packed a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich on a tortilla, honey Greek yogurt (I guess it was the influence of Navarone) and some wasabi almonds. I adore wasabi. Did I not once say I'd marry wasabi and be June Dimebag Wasabi? Why was I Dimebag? Can anyone recall?
What IS a dimebag? I mean, I know it's the marijuana, the Maryjane, the reefer, the weed, and I am so street, but why is it a dimebag? Does it cost a dime? Because I doubt that. Is it because Franklin Delano Roosevelt enjoyed him the pot? And what exactly do you think I can do to get my own self on the dime and not FDR, who I like and all, and you KNOW how I feel about his wife, but still. That shit is played out. June Gardens on the dime! Can we start a letter-writing campaign? To the dime people?
ANYWAY, I have a navy-blue marry 'em and bury 'em dress I used to wear all the time, but I bought it in 1998, and it's two sizes smaller than my current rotund size, meaning it's a zero and now I'm a two.
Honest June. Maybe if we went around calling me Honest June we could knock damn Abe Lincoln off the fiver. Do you enjoy me for saying "fiver"? Have I already told you how much I hate it when people say "buck fifty" when they mean $150,000? Oh, that ANNOYS me. Buck fifty. Shut up. I don't CARE if you're a girl; shut up. You will not be allowed to say "buck fifty" if you pay with any June Gardens fivers, that's for sure.
All right I'm off. Oh, so my point is, marry 'em and bury 'em dress is going to Goodwill along with my youthful figure, and I'm wearing black pants and a black filmy shirt with a loose-knit white cardigan. Will that be okay? Is the white cardigan too cheery? I don't wanna look all celebrate good times, come on! If you tell me it's too cheery I'll run home and get my black loose-knit cardigan and look like I'm one of the Sprockets.
June, blacked out.