I broke down and got a pedicure last night. I'd been putting it off because I was trying to be thrifty, but things were getting so bad down there I said to Ned, "I'm not even attracted to me anymore, so bad are my nails. I don't know how you can be." I also got everything waxed because if I let all that go too long I start to resemble a shi-tzu. "Hi, I'm June. Has anyone seen my ding-dang nest of spiders?"
Look! I found an Edsel shi-tzu!
Oh, and speaking of nests of spiders, I relocated Mrs. Spider and her children, and I felt terrible about it. Ned offered to come all the way over here and do it for me, but I was a grownup
and did it myself with a paper towel. Okay, 740 paper towels. I felt like Mr. Potter or something, all heartless, moving this poor spider mom and her 85838383 children like that. They currently reside on my deck, unless she slithered away and set up house somewhere else. Spiders don't really slither, do they? Someone once pointed out that whenever there're spiders on a show, they play that high plunky violin music. It's like the spider theme music. You know you can hear it in your head right now. plunk plink plink plunk!
I must go shower, and guess who is sick to death of always being busy. Before I go, can I just establish that I never, ever want to hear the term "baby bump" again? I may or may not have been hitting my serious news sites before I got here, such as E!. Did I ever tell you that back in the 2000s, when we all had jobs, I got a call from E!? I love how I have to keep using double punctuation marks whenever I talk about them.
I was working as a proofreader on staff for this court reporting agency. The court reporters would go out, do a deposition somewhere (which we called a "depo." Fancy.) and type it all up from the shorthand gobbeldygook their machines type it into, and then they'd turn in the finished, pretty document. My job was to make sure ALL THE ATTORNEY'S NAMES WERE SPELLED RIGHT, because apparently attorneys have 58 FITS if you get it wrong, and then peruse the thing looking for errors.
You're typing 100 words a minute, even in shorthand, you're gonna make errors. So I looked for egregious uses of the wrong form of "their," for example, or lots of words missing. Because, yes, it had to be verbatim. But it also had to be correct.
If a reporter did a terrible job on her (wait for it) depo, I had to sit there and read the whole thing. I can never, ever give details but because this was LA, I got to read a LOT of celebrity-related depos. Someone fathered an illegitimate child, someone was suing the paparazzi for photographing her naked, someone was getting divorced. Oh, it was fascinating. I mean, sometimes an insurance company was suing a construction company and you wanted to pluck our your eyes so you could stop reading. But oooooo! I had guffs.
Oh my GOD, wasn't I gonna take a shower? My POINT is, one day at that job I got a call. I don't even know how they found me, but they said they were E! and they needed a proofreader and would I like to come work for them.
"Wow. Maybe," I said. "Mayb E!"
"How much are you currently earning?" they asked. I told them. "Are you willing to be flexible? We offer $35,000 a year."
"I'm willing to be flexible in that I'm willing to make MORE than I do now, not less," I said. Thirty-five thousand a year. COME ON. You're E Exclamation Point. You can offer me a lot more than that.
So that's my ¡E! story. You are welcome.
Okay, really showering now. Goodbye.