I just did the thing where I opened my picture file on my desktop and looked through October's pictures, and I'd like to thank the nice people at Apple or wherever who came up with the idea, Hey! Let's put the month on people's pictures so in case they blog and take a break and come back they can recap what they did while they were gone!
Am certain that was the exact scenario they dreamed up.
I almost started showing you October 2012 pictures, but quickly realized my HAIR was wrong. "That's not my 2013 hair," I thought, because some people tell time by moons, but not me.
Apparently this happened in October, and I act like my evenings don't always end this way. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have to knock 15 pets to the floor when I got up to go to bed.
Ned and I went to a football game in which many red people were involved, and I'd like to point out I abstained from showing you September's baseball picture, and I would like to take this time to mention to Ned how good he has it.
I kind of admire my ability to sit at a sporting event for hours and never pay one iota of attention to whatever sporting event is at hand. There are really so many PEOPLE to watch. At this one, a guy threw water all over this old couple and man, did the old woman get mad. Ned read her lips saying, "YOU are an idiot." Exciting.
Early October was also the anniversary of when someone left a puppy in my car, also known as The Best Day, Ever. I drove out to the fire station to see Violet in her home, and she got big big big. I think she's Tallulah-sized, meaning about 45 pounds and about knee high to me.
Ned has been making me eggs and potatoes with little onions in them, which happens to be one of my favorite things in the world. And someone mention how the handle is dangerously hanging out in 3...2...1...
And guess who has warmed up to me? That cat climbs on my pillow at night and chews my hair till her jaws fall off. I guess she had to go through several months of disdain before she said, hey. neffer notiss gurl haff hairs. nedkitee luff to chew hairs. okay. gurl okay.
Dear Ned, You are welcome for your cat's petspeak.
Ned's class reunion was in October, and it was a three-day extravaganza like no other. The Royal Wedding had less of a fuss. Ned and I were in dressing rooms across this county for three weeks, looking for outfits for the event. Here's what I got for the final evening, which was on the roof of a building downtown. I changed up the shoewear, and wore black tights. In case you were over there worried sick. And I kept the size tag on my breastual.
On Thursday there was a meetup at a pub near Ned's house, then on Friday was the football game and a meetup at the Elk's Club near MY house. Then Saturday was the formal event. By Saturday I had bonded with many people, because I told Ned to carry on without me, go mingle. Oh, I had fun. I met a guy who was newly sober and really didn't want to be there. I met a guy who'd love love LOVED this woman and was hoping she'd show up (she didn't). I met a guy who was currently having an extramarital affair with one of the women there, and he had to stand there, tortured, while she was with her husband.
I met a woman who is successful at her job but wants to meet someone. I met all of Ned's friends, one of whom pulled him aside and said I was hot.
Ned's best friend in high school was named Mike, and I've heard from Ned's mom and Ned's sister and Ned's high school girlfriend that this guy was the nicest guy, ever. I mean, people have been going on about this guy since the day I met Ned, practically. "Nice to meet you, I'm Ned. Here, my mom's on the phone. She wants to tell you how nice Mike is from high school."
So, Mike showed up the night of the football game, and OHMYGOD he's such a nice guy! He really was. He walked with Ned and me to the formal evening, as it was blocks from Ned's place, and the two of them started yammering to each other about God knows what ("High school sure was fun." "Remember our mascot?" "How 'bout that sixth hour?" Whatever.) and they were DAYS ahead of me and my heels. Days. I mean, they just plumb failed to notice me TRAILING behind them like I was Princess Diana walking behind Charles. Did you know she had to always walk behind him? Like we were noticing Charles. Please.
My point is, it was Mike who turned around and said, "Where's June?" and there I was, a bare speck in the distance, like the end of a diorama. "June! We're so sorry!" he said. "We didn't think about how you're in heels!"
He was nice, is my point. Which perhaps I have said now 14 times.
I won't even tell you about the end of one of the nights, when Ned was playing pool with his friends and I was sitting on the sidelines. Some man of color came up to me, and his color is irrelevant, I just wanted you to picture the scenario in full. He said, "Who are you?" I told him I didn't go to high school with him, but was someone's date.
"Well, where IS he?" the guy seemed incredulous. I pointed out Ned right nearby, playing pool. "If you were MY date, I wouldn't be playing any pool. I'd be fucking the SHIT out of you right now!"
So, I met some real gentlemen, too.
In fact, though, Ned did have some unhealthy things.
The fair was as fun as fairs get. The weather was good, the train was fun, and I got to look at baby pigs and so on. You really can't ask for more from your fair experience.
At some point near the end of the month, I got up with my friend Dan, who you are all obsessed with and how many of them hormones you been takin', honey? Anyway, we met at the little bar and grill where Elvis had a sandwich and a glass of milk in 1956. The waitress who waited on Elvis was OUR waitress that night, I am not making that up. Like all of you, she took a big shine to Dan and kept coming over and telling us her life story. She likes to lay her clothes out the night before. That's one thing she told us. I'm sure Dan could tell you more, because she was really only speaking to him. I could have been Elvis' corpse for all the attention she gave me.
For Halloween, I made several thousand of my coworkers come to work like this and we went as Fifty Shades of Gray. Look at me, all leading the crowd. We did not win the work contest, a fact that still makes me bitter.
That about sums it up, nine thousand words later. See you in November.