I'm glad you liked yesterday's post about my coworker Bill's near-death experience. It has inspired to me feature a New Thing here on this blog: Freaky Fridays. I know. How did you ever think of such an original name, June? When you have a mind like this...
I'll explain Freaky Fridays in a minute, but the part where I just capitalized "New Thing" to be stupid reminds me of something I've been meaning to say. There is a person I am friends with on Facebook, who seems to think Status Updates Need to be Capitalized, as Though They are Titles.
Dear FB friend who does this: They don't. And you are killing me, verily you are.
She'll write: Great Day Today! Or Friday is Here, So Happy. Or Peoples is Funny.
STOP IT! STOP WITH THE CAPITALIZATION WHERE IT ISN'T NEEDED! Do you recall third grade, when we learned that capital letters go at the BEGINNING of the sentence and nowhere else unless you mention, you know, Kraft or your Aunt Harriet?
Or if you mention Jesus, which she sometimes will, and I'm just waiting for her to lowercase THAT, get all ee cummings on Jesus's ass.
Okay, I'm better now. I just had to tell someone, because it was going to be the death of me.
Back to Freaky Friday. Original! Maybe I'll name it something else, because even I am irked by me at this point. THE CONCEPT, however, is that if you have any sort of weird spirit-y story like Bill's near-death story, or a haunty house, or anything you can't explain, email me (Oh, Lord, is my email even visible on my blog anymore? I have no idea. It's email@example.com) and tell me the story, and I'll either print your story verbatim, edit it because you have no Idea when to Capitalize anyThing, or I will email you back with more Qs.
What say you? And then if there is a story to tell on Friday, I will tell it. Won't that be cool?
In other news, I AM SO HUNGRY. ALL CAPS. Well, that's not precisely true. I am just never full, that's all. Like, sometimes I'll go to Ned's and he'll say, "Would you like a peanut?" (he has a lot of peanuts, Ned does. Peanuts he roasts himself. Have you been enjoying Ned's monocle? It's his cane and white gloves that really get me hot) and I used to be able to say, "No. I'm not really hungry." Now if he offered me a peanut I'd eat the SHIT out of it then stampede to my damn Weight Watchers app to see if that counted as a point.
WHICH IT ALWAYS DOES. My oatmeal--OATMEAL!!!--is three effing points. My Amy's Organic Chili was SIX POINTS!!
"Well, what do you expect?" asked Ned, who is smug because he wears a top hat at all times. "What I do, is I bring an apple, an orange and a banana to work every day and eat them when I get hungry."
Honestly, the day I punch that man clean in his shell face, will any of you blame me?
Things should improve on the WW front, though, because the thing is, when I started this diet this week, I had $19 till payday, so I had to live on the food I already had in the house. But I just got paid by Google Ads (thank you, readers, for reading me) so now I can get food that has fewer points and I won't have to eat an Amy's Organic Chili then nothing for the next seven hours lest I run out of
which is all I ever think about these days.
Okay, I have to get ready for work. And when I get there, I can have a bagel thin (3 points) and the teensiest trace of cream cheese you have ever seen in your life. It's like HINT of cream cheese. Is what it is.
Goddammit I better have lost weight.
June. Shrinking out.