One of my male friends emailed me the other day. "I feel like only you would appreciate this," he wrote, sending me a NOT SAFE FOR WORK website.
So if you're at work, Ima just tell you. It's a perfume, called Vulva: Scent of a Woman, and it has...the scent of a woman, I am not kidding. That's what it's supposed to smell like.
I wrote him back to tell him--well, mostly to tell him there was something deeply wrong with him. And one wonders, really, how he came across, so to speak, an ad for this product. And then even more disturbing, what made him say, "Oh, June! She'll appreciate this!"
Maybe it's the fact that I did. And that the ad for it tickled me to pieces.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Are there men and women really stampeding to buy the Scent of a Woman? What the Sam Hill?
"Also, why do you have to buy it? Don't you already manufacture it?" asked my high school boyfriend Cardinal, with whom I spoke later that day. We discussed what the Imposters cologne for Vulva would be called when you went to Rite Aid. "If you like Vulva, you'll LOVE Cooter!"
So that's the kind of stuff people email me about. You probably still get those chain emails where you'll be blessed by an angel if you forward this to 15 people.
Would you like to know what irritates me? I mean other than the part where I wear Taylor Swift's scent of a woman and no one follows me at the gym and sniffs my bike seat. What irritates me is on Facebook--where I do not go during Lent but I still have recall, for heaven's sake--when they make you feel bad for not sharing something.
Share this if you hate murder! Then you feel bad for not doing it and looking like a real murder-lover.
I ABHOR HURRICANES! CLICK LIKE IF YOU AGREE!
Or how about that creepy one moms put up about how they will catfight any woman who tries to date their son? Does that one strike you as just a tad over the edge? RULES FOR DATING MY SON, WHO IS CURRENTLY 8: IF YOU WEAR SOMETHING SEXY ON A DATE WITH MY SON, KNOW THAT I WILL EAT YOUR INNARDS!! A SON IS A SON FOR LIFE! HE'S MINE!!! MINNNNE!
Maybe I don't miss Facebook quite as much as I thought I would.
Also, I have heard from quite a few of you that your dang comments are not showing up on my blog, AND they're not showing up in spam, and Typepad is doing the thing where they ask me 400 questions and try to make this mishap my problem, then they do what they always do, which is, "We looked into it. Found nothing."
Yeah, okay. Thanks.
RULES FOR HOSTING MY BLOG. IF YOU FIND NOTHING, KNOW THAT I WILL EAT YOUR INNARDS. A COMMENTOR IS A COMMENTOR FOR LIFE! CLICK LIKE IF YOU AGREE!!!!
Speaking of commentors for life, Matze is back. Matze is a guy from Austria, and he used to comment on here 490 times a day and he was highlarious and he was mos def Team Edsel, which throws everything into disarray, and if there were such a thing, he'd so have I LOVE MY BLOGGER'S DOG, SHARE IF YOU LOVE EDSEL on his FB wall, Matze would.
The point is, he went away two and a half years ago, and came back yesterday and sat there in Austria reading two and a half years of June, and, you know, a lot's happened in two and a half years of June. So last night he wrote me that he's glad I have a Ned, and sorry about Roger, and yay, Murdery Iris, and so on. There was a ton to acknowledge. I have missed Matze. He was a hoot.
SHARE IF YOU LOVE MATZE.
Okay, I'm done saying that. Matze, I will totally send you a bottle of Vulva to welcome you back. I know you'd be super into that.
I guess that's all I have to tell you, but I really think I have told you enough. I have to go get ready--OH! Wait! I was going to make a side-splitting let-it-release-the-splendor-of-me final perfume joke, but I forgot the big news that we're going to all-jeans-all-the-time at work!! They just announced it yesterday! I cannot wait to put all my damn black slacks in storage, lest I get laid off or something awful and have to work at a dressy place again someday. Of course, the way I'm dramatically shedding pounds, I'll need all-new black pants. Maybe I could just buy a Barbie and use hers, I'll be so small.
Anyway JEANS! Ima revamp my closets this weekend, as Ned will be involved in watching some kind of basketball thing, anyway. Oh, it's so exciting! Stay tuned for a pictorial. A jeans pictorial. What kinds of things should I buy to accompany my jeans look? This'll probably be harder than just getting dressed up, which I do without thinking about it at this juncture. I got to wear whatever I wanted at the ad agency I worked for in LA, and it was a competition, I tell you, a competition, to be the coolest-dressed person at our 9 a.m. meetings every day. I remember the extra bitchy chicks giving the up-and-down eyes to each woman who'd walk in, and one sensitive soul saying to me, "Nice necklace. My 11-year-old has one."
Okay, it was a sparkly Hello Kitty head necklace. Still. Click Like if you think that woman maybe needed to lighten up. Click Like if you think maybe she should get her some Impostors C U Next Tuesday perfume.
June. Giving you the V for Victory.