The good news is, I keep forgetting to buy detergent for the dishwasher, so am currently drinking coffee out of soup bowl. My life just gets fabulouser.
I have a friend who is extra-super-annoyingly fit, and she and her man have recently damned indecision and cursed it right, as well. Yesterday she said to me, "I'm gonna go work out. I mean, it'll rid me of this anxiety, and besides, I have to get all hot again."
News flash: She is already 10 times hotter than all of us combined.
Last night I was taking a bath in epsom salts, soaking and thinking of opening a nice wrist, when she texted me. She text me.
"I just ate an entire carrot cake," she wrote. You know, I've never heard of the carrot cake workout. I feel like I could STICK to that one. I should ask my doc what's up with that diet. I could have my cake workout and...eat it, too. Orange you glad Ima try this workout?
It is no wonder I can't keep a man.
The only other thing I have to tell you is that
Oh my god. I've completely forgotten what the other thing was. Oh, geez Louise. This is not good. I guess, then, I'll explain why I bathed in epsom salts. Yesterday at work I was working very intently on one project all day, and I was hunched over trying to read fine print, and guess what, I think my 2.0 reading glasses prescription has officially crapped out on me. Now I have to go get 5.9s or something.
Anyway, I had a headache when I got home, and I never get headaches, I just get migraines, and this was seeming like it was careening over to migraine territory. My cousin Katie, who is a natural-fibers-loving hippie, said when SHE gets a migraine she bathes in epsom salts with a little lavender essential oil, which, oddly, I also had on hand.
I got out the epsom salts Ned gave me when I sprained my ankle last November. I added the oil. And while I was lying there, I noticed the carton of salts read "Good until 12/99."
TWELVE NINETY-NINE! The epsom salts expired FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. So now I probably have epsom salt poisoning and this will be the last you'll hear from me. I just recovered from that yogurt poisoning of yesterday.
In summary, I need to stop dealing with expired things.
June, who was good until 5/14.