Yesterday's comments, about the first concert you attended, killed me. I am dead. I am writing from under the grass right now.
I am finally sitting down for what feels like the first time in a week, which is stupid, because if you stood up for a week you'd be dead.
Is that really true? Would you die if you didn't sit down for a week? Would it be like how the Elephant Man had to not lie down, only opposite?
I have no idea what's wrong with me.
Anyway, yesterday at work they brought in doughnuts to celebrate National Doughnut Day or something, and that is what's wrong with our country. That we have a day dedicated to doughnuts. Is there a National Kale Day? I sound so smug, and I have never eaten kale in my life. You know what I have eaten? Doughnuts.
After work, The Other Copy Editor had some of us over to play a game, and she invited me specifically because she knows I abhor games. Abhor. She kept insisting I'd like this one, called Cards Against Humanity, and I figured it'd be like when people tell me I'll think this ONE PARTICULAR Monty Python thing is funny. "Really? You don't like Monty Python? Not even [insert someone saying a line that's allegedly hilarious in a horrible English accent here]?"
The Other Copy Editor and her husband (above, with their Puggy Pug, who I may or may not have loved very much and married and I am now June Puggy Pug) are 14 years old and they have this huge, beautiful old house that they've fixed up, and if you ever want to feel like a loser re what you've accomplished thus far, go over there.
They have a full bar in the basement with kegs of pretentious beer. They have a white picket fence. I think I have an old bottle of Rose's Lime in the cupboard.
This Alex has the pleasure of sitting across from me all day at work, and then I sat across from him all evening. We'll call him Buzzfeed Alex. At the card game yesterday, he asked if I took guest posters on this blog, as he is considering a scathing review of what it's like to sit across from me 40 hours a week. I cannot wait.
My point is, eventually we played the goddamn game, and I was all, eh, till we started and it was really fun and I won.
After that, I screamed downtown to get up with Ned and the Naughty Professor, which sounds like a TV show but isn't.
Naughty Pro said if he were gonna sleep with a woman, it'd be Angelina Jolie, and then we discussed if Ned were going to sleep with a man, who'd he sleep with, and if I were gonna sleep with a woman, who'd I sleep with (Louis C.K. and Megan Fox, respectively. I don't think Ned answered seriously. I think Ned would so bone Midcentury Modern Furniture Guy).
After a light healthy dinner of pub food, what else you gonna do but go get ice cream?
Then we went to my friend Kit's store, and why did it never occur to me that Naughty Pro would be fun to shop with? Fortunately for everyone involved, Kit's store sells vintage Playboys, so Ned was kept amused.
So what I'm saying is, fun evening. Plus, did I mention I won?
This morning, Ned and I got coffee right across from Kit's shop, and we watched her sweep her stoop and set out her wares, and her bright dress and pretty doo-dads on the street were wonderful to watch. If I had a remotely decent camera I could have gotten you some great shots, and I know this is first world, but still.
The important thing to remember is I have my health, and that I won that card game.
Your favorite old maid,