On Saturday, or was it Sunday--you have no idea how many drugs I was doing. You know how I love the horse. If you wanna ride, don't ride the white horse. Is that song even about drugs? Or is it literally about a horse?
Dear YouTube, eff you lately with those pop-up ads. Also, I had to sit through an annoying 15-second commercial for Jergens, and then the damn SONG wouldn't come on. Thank god I'm riding the white horse, or I'd lose my shit.
Wow, that was a bad video. Have I ever told you I endeavor to bring you the worst videos of songs, when I can?
OHMYGOD ANYWAY. On Saturday, I think, we barbecued, Ned and I did.
The point is, I'd been shoe shopping earlier.
I went to get a nice spring sandal, or perhaps maybe a silver flat, even though neither of these are a silver flat. But how many times have you seen me buy a silver flat? 600, that's how many times. I was thinking otherwise maybe a silver sandal. But what I did NOT know is these would be on sale for TWENTY-SEVEN DOLLARS.
We have got to cut back that dead awful monkey grass, which the dogs lie on 27 hours a day, and our landlord is going to get addicted to the white horse when he sees it.
Yesterday we went to the cemetery, because that's what we do in my family, seeing as we are deeply disturbed. Hey, it's a holiday! Let's head to the land of the dead! But I love a good cemetery. Seeing as I know no dead people here in Greensboro, we just go to the one near our house. Yesterday I found some particularly good names. I like to see how long people lived, and if they had any drama like two dead husbands or sometimes people will have a whole series of babies who died, and you feel awful for them, and so on. But mostly I'm in it for the names.
Uldine Vermillion Hodgin. That name is impeccable. He lived to be 76. Every time we looked at someone, Ned would only look at the years they died, and not their birthdays, to see if they'd made it to that year's birthday. So he kept saying. "He was 77," for example, when in fact, he wasn't. It's the only time I've ever been better than Ned at a math thing. I noticed that people seem to die right before or after their birthdays.
One of the rare stones that announces someone was someone's husband. There were a ton of "wife of." Ned said when I die he'll be sure to engrave, "Wife of Marvin Gardens" on my stone. Thanks. Also, I like how the engraver went to town on being sure to match the fonts for the birth and death dates.
Still, Gurney Grant Clapp is the best name in the history of time. It almost sounds like a swear. GURNEY GRANT CLAPP, where are my keys?
I'll bet she was also someone's aunt.
I mean, this is where I died. So to speak. Isolind DeBoe! Holy shit, that name rocks the rock. And she got to live to be 96. I mean, do you pronounce it with a long I, or what? Isolind. I love that name so hard.
Here is my latest Purple Clover, in which I extoll the virtues of Laura Ingalls Wilder, for a change.
Gurney Grant Clapp, I'm late for work. Actually, I'm headed to the doctor. I get an ultrasound to see if that stone is gone. Have I told you I'm looking forward to how much this all will cost me? Gurney Grant Clapp.
Oh, P.S. to my Mad Men fans: Rachel Menken! Shit! I'd have so taken a picture of the name Rachel Menken Katz.