I realized yesterday that it's the anniversary of when I found Violet, and I like how I say "found," like it'd be easy to miss a puppy that someone put in your car. Sure glad I "found" that puppy in the passenger seat! Oh, I missed it and then there was a puppy skeleton on the seat. How long had THAT been there?
I wish I'd remembered on time to go to the fire station yesterday and visit her. But maybe I should Botox first.
Firemen are very demanding about Botox. "I'd rescue you, but that WRINKLE. Gawd."
Anyway, how is everyone? I have a coworker who keeps checking in to ask how I am on a scale of 1-10. Lately I've been a 4, but the other day I was a 7. So. You can't complain about 7. Have I ever told you about how I found my high school boyfriend Cardinal's book, where he rated all his girlfriends? He had approximately 406 girlfriends in high school. He gave this one girl, Carmelita, a 9, which really pissed me off. She was no 9; he just really liked her. He gave the girl who became homecoming queen a 9.5, which, okay, I can deal with that.
I got a 7.5. I harumphed about it for a minute, then remembered my hair, and said, okay yeah. He's accurate. Fucker.
Ned texted me to say the dogs are really sad, and that the cats don't give a shit. He's been letting them upstairs, away from what he calls "Boxlandia" downstairs. If I could just visit them and not see Ned, I'd do it. But they can't, you know, take a cab over. He leaves town for work soon, and then I get to be with my dogs when he's gone. The cats, too, but did I mention they don't give a shit?
Oh and everyone be sure to give me advice on how I can see them. Be sure to say things like, "Maybe he could go and you could visit them." Because I won't be a crazy person over there at my old house. I won't be checking for condoms in the trash and bras on the light fixtures or anything. No. I'll just calmly attend my old house like a perfectly sane individual.
When Marvin left, I wouldn't let him tell me his new address, and I blocked him on Facebook so I couldn't look at his page and wonder WHO IS THIS WOMAN HE'S TALKING TO?! And it worked. I was unable to obsess and so I didn't.
Do you do that? Obsess for awhile? I've actually been pretty good with it so far this time. I've been able to just think about the here and now, and not who Ned's banging, which could also be in the here and now, but not really because he needed to be at work three minutes ago. So.
What if I never meet anyone again who I like having sex with? What if that was it? My quota is filled. Oh, I have an idea. Tell me today who you had the best sex with. Mom, do not play. All my old boyfriends better check in with an enthusiastic, "Oh, YOU, June. Hands down, so to speak."
Ned asked before I left if we could meet once a month for the rest of our lives and have sex. Even if we meet new people. "I'm sorry, I have an appointment tonight." That sounds reasonable. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could cafeteria plan your exes, and put in the "great talker" from this guy, the "stupidly good sex" from that one, the good living from another, and Frankenstein you a whole perfect man?
I have to go. The commute from this house is 19 minutes, and it's 8:07. WILLLLL June make it to work on time? Will JUUUUUUUNE be late? TUUUUUUUUNE in tomorrow for more Adventures of Junnnnne!