I felt distinctly unwell this morning. "Maybe you're pregnant!" said my hilarious mother, and I'd like to once again bring up Shady Pines. But speaking of Shady Pines, my...lady time did not arrive this month. There was no flying of the Japanese flag. I did not check into the Red Roof Inn, which does NOT mean that I am pregnant, but rather that I am old.
A few times this past month, I've been sitting here minding my own business, which you know is never true, and all of a sudden I'll be all, "MOTHER OF GOD WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN HOT IN HURR?"
I was at Ned's at one point, and that drafty old house is always freezing cold all winter, and I was down to a tank top. "HOW ARE YOU NOT BOILING?" I asked Ned, who wears shorts when it's 30 degrees out, and who said, "June. It's 68 in here."
So yeah. I will literally be someone's old lady. And shut up about me being at Ned's. I was getting my pot, remember? Left m'pot there. Couldn't do m'cooking.
In the meantime, last night this old lady went out to see Molly's band play at this restaurant she plays at every 48th Tuesday of the month. I can never remember which Tuesday it is, and she never promotes herself, so I never C her Next Tuesday. But this time Mr. Write and I went. They know each other, of course, because Molly is one of those people who knows err'body. I have no idea why I'm speaking like that today.
We drank cranberry and sodas. I was wasted.
Also too, before Molly went to play her guitar and be all perfect on stage and so on, she sent me this app she knew I'd be obsessed with. It's called YouCam Makeup, and they went to town on that name. You can upload a photo and add makeup to it, OR you can just turn your camera on yourself and see makeup on you in real time. I hate people who say real time. Almost as much as people who say err'body.
Anyway, Molly was right. Obsessed? Perhaps.
Her eyes are fabulous. Err'body can see that.
You knew it was only a matter of time, right?
Somehow a face full of makeup looks way more natural on Edsel. Lu just looks like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. "I'd hump me."
Speaking of Lu, her ultrasound is tomorrow, and everyone please email me personally all day tomorrow to ask if I've heard yet. I won't hear till Friday. Whoever told me to put Parmesan cheese on her food was a genius. Works like a mug.
I went to the vet again yesterday for a change to get her a FOURTH antibiotic, and when I pulled up, this absurd dog was out back.
Yes. Her fur is dyed. Imagine tarting your dog up with paints. Also she did nothing but show her fangs at me and be a real dick the whole time I was photographing her, like she was J Lo or something.
And then I saw St. Bernard puppy!!! ST. BERNARD PUPPYYYYYYYYY! Dying.
This is why all dogs should be large. Jesus.
Anyway, that's all my news that's fit to print, so now you can print this and distribute it to all your friends. Please do. With no further explanation. Leave one on everyone's desk today. Or your whole neighborhood, like a flyer for pizza. Do it.
Your sane friend,