I had so many things to do yesterday. Do you know what I enjoy? Anyone telling me what's on their "plate." I'll tell ya what you can do with that plate.
First of all, they moved my desk yesterday, and I don't mean emotionally. I was in this private little corner, by the accounting people, who come in and leave exactly on time and have five screens with numbers on them and never fool around. Being in a room full of the "creatives" must delight them. You should see the rest of us, with our ping-pong and our bouncing the ideas off each other. But they were quiet, the numbers people, and I really--call me crazy--need to work in quiet. I grew very fond of my numbers neighbors.
Now I'm back in Times Square with the rest of the "creatives." We're all moving around to make way for more departments to come join us and be "creative." Do you wish I'd add more air quotes today?
So a lot of my day involved packing, which by now I'm an Army wife. This is my ninth move at work, in five years. I try not to get too attached to one spot, like how you try not to love barn kittens. "Where's the spotted one?" "Cow sat on 'im."
My stepfather is from a farm.
The other part of my day involved people being astonished I'd moved to a new desk. "THERE you are! All the way over here, now, eh?"
My new neighbor is Amelia, who I didn't just come up with via a random name generator or anything. She and I are part of the three o'clock walking group, and also she is often up for happy hour. I already know I like Amelia, who will not chat your ear off or anything, so yay.
Also, someone brought their dog in for a minute, and do you know what charms me? Calm little dogs. You always expect them to be all, HI! hi hi hi hi hi! I love you, oh how I love youuuuu, knights in white satin. You know, like Edsel. But when a little dog is mellow, it's cute as shit. Behold Gaby, who I fell in love with deeply. LOOK AT HER EARSES! Also, when you see her from behind, it's like they took one dog and stuck a different white head on it. She's all gray in the back, party in the back, and white in the front.
Gaby wanted to know why I'm at a different desk.
Also, I had lunch with my Uncle Bill. He's in town for work, so I had him meet me here at my house so I could let poor Talu out first, then sadly we went to Panera. I wanted to take him somewhere local and fun, but there wasn't time. I never go to Panera, and let me tell you.
Who knew? I eschew chains, other than, you know, Hardees. Now I am a new Panera fan. It was a big day. My Uncle Bill liked Panera all along. Also, just now realizing I have an Uncle Bill. And I went out with a Mr. French twice. Maybe later today I'll buffy my nails.
Then I had a dentist appointment. Read on for more! I had to get my permanent crown, and we all know I deserve a crown. If I were Kate Middleton, I'd be wearing that bitch every day. A charity event? Sure. Lemme get m'crown. Land mines? Crown!
I know I've told you before about the hygienist who chatters like a magpie. When I got to the office, she was the only one there. "Didn't you get the text? They had a funeral and they moved your appointment to 2:30," she told me, and I should really read my texts. "Want some cheesecake?" Being early at the dentist. It isn't all bad.
"I'm sort of upset today," she told me. "I worked on this woman, and she went on Facebook and called me 'The chattiest hygienist in North Carolina.' She listed all the things I talked about that day; I think she forgot she was Facebook friends with the doctor."
Now was my time. God was wanting me to tell her. Facebook was wanting me to tell her. The dental world was wanting me to--
"I mean, maybe it's a wakeup call but when I have patients you'd think they'd like to chat I mean all you're doing is sitting there and what else is there to do so I talk to them a little I mean she was talking too and..."
I kept trying to open my mouth to say something profound, but the more she chatted, the more I realized God had already tried to tell her and it had fallen on deaf ears. Ears that had gone deaf from hearing her own self chat. I did feel bad for her, as she is a nice person. But a nice chatty-ass person.
Right after work I had my hairdresser, whom I like, and she did my roots and cut my locks if you catch her in the back seat trying to pick her locks you better send her back to mother in a cardboard box. See? My BRAIN is chatty. What's with chatty, anyway? Why do people do it? I try to be aware of when I'm talking too much, reel it back in. I do this because of my grandmother, whom I've told you about before. She'd get up early, for example, and read all the paper. Then you'd get up and pick up a section and she'd start TELLING YOU WHAT WAS IN THERE.
"Oh, there's a good article in there about the new bridge."
"Really? Oh, I'll look at that right--"
"They say they can't get funding. They say it'll be like that another year. And the MAYOR said..."
Oh my god. LET ME READ IT.
When I'd go visit her, I'd time how long she was silent between stories. The longest I ever got was like 17 seconds. Even hear tea was Constant Comment.
But see what I'm doing? I'm telling you a story I know I've already told you. So now I'm Grammy. Yay, god. Thanks.
Do you like what the hairdresser did? Does it look natural?
Here it really is--she blew it straight. Hey yoooo. I gotta stop playing with that makeup app. Every once in awhile in this life comes an app you get obsessed with. The sound effects one obsessed me for a long time. Now the makeup one has me hooked.
I guess that sums up my Thursday. I got home after 8:00, because that's how long my hair takes. Then I drank a bottle of Evian because it's 1978, and I went to bed. I just went on my Fitbit page to see how long I slept so I could tell you, because riveting, and there were Ned's stats. Ned was extremely active for .68 hours yesterday. Naturally now I'm obsessed. What was he doing? Who was he being extremely active with? How long is .68 hours?
I Fitbit unfriended Ned.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Your strong black woman friend,