Yesterday morning I had to dig in my bathroom trash for the old empty deodorant I'd thrown away, and desperately scrape what was left on myself because guess who forgot to buy more.
There goes my mother in my head: "Make a list, honey."
I was also clean out of coffee, which is always incentive for me to go to the store, because addict.
I just remembered I'm on my last roll of toilet paper, and goddammit. Hello, store again today. "A LIST, honey."
Anyway, I went to Harris Teeter, where I am wont to be 800 times a week, and have I told you about the one checkout clerk who doesn't exactly have arms that I was mean to before I looked up and saw she was armless? I try to keep my vitriol to the fully armed, generally. But that is a story for a different day because hello, already scattered.
The point of my story is I ended up buying Oprah deodorant. Yes, that really IS a thing. I would never fuck around with Oprah. Bitch could ruin your life. She's powerful. And so is her deodorant.
That's quite the tableau I've set before you. Garlic, tin of dog treats, Alyssa Milano paper towels, all backup singers for my new Oprah deodorant.
Does Oprah need cash? What would compel her to put her name on a stick of deodorant? Look. I like Oprah. I know people don't but I really do. I watch her Super Soul Sunday all the time, and I always finish with a whole, you go, Oprah. I like what you and your guest had to say. Then I leave the house and do something shallow.
Any time I see a celebrity has endorsed something absurd, I buy it. It amuses me. Can I interest you in some Paula Deen lip balm? I can't wait till I get famous and have a product. June Gardens Clementine oranges. June Gardens smartwatches. June Gardens grocery lists.
Speaking of products, for my birthday last year, my Aunt Mary sent me something called Laura Geller Balance N Brighten Color Correcting Powder. Normally I'd eschew anything that calls itself N. Are you that pressed for time, Laura Geller? You managed to name your product something that took 79 words. Oh, but "and"! You can't possibly spell THAT all out! Time's a-wastin'!
The point is, I loved n enjoyed wearing Laura Geller Yodel-a-hee-whoo N Brighten Color Shamalamading Dong Powder, now with more N than ever. I used the whole compact. I was desperately scraping it the way I scraped myself with the remains of that deodorant from my trash yesterday morning. The remains of the day. So I've finally ordered more and it'll be here in three to seven business days. I'd prefer they be up-in-my-business days but what can you do? Also, Ulta is five minutes away and yet I ordered online. Am very busy.
N. See how busy? I had to use N.
I gotta go dry my hairs and go to work. N go to work. The weekend yawns before me with nary a plan. Do you wish I'd say my weekends yawned before me more often? I've been saying that a lot lately. Why can't I meet a nice man to date and have sex with and wax on about? What gives? Am I hideous? Is it the too-many-pets thing?
I'll talk to you later.