I need you to understand how much I hate eHarmony.
I had a friend who joined it, and it would never be a site I'd have considered had he not joined and met an actually cool woman. I see it as sort of a site where I'd never meet anyone I had anything in common with. I see a lot of basic types, not that there's anything wrong with that. Just isn't me. I don't love a new-construction home. Never liked Dave Matthews.
But in a fit of ennui earlier this year, I joined, and hey, I was right. No one I had anything in common with. Lots of 62-year-old men in polo shirts.
So I unsubscribed, and yet? I still get emails EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY.
"Hey, June! Signed, Sealed, Delivered! Here are your matches for today!" Okay, that alone makes me hate them, not to mention how they technically are NOT signed or sealed. And here's what. You can't unsubscribe. YOU CAN'T!
There's a place to "log in" and unsubscribe, allegedly, but you can't log in if you don't have an account. I've hit Reply to that stupid homophobic organization's emails, and I like how that bothers me now that I haven't met anyone on there, but much like Chik-Fil-A, I'm all, This is wonderful! Screw rights for everyone! Anyway, I emailed them and of course nothing. I went on their Facebook page and complained and--nothing.
What makes companies think this is a way to do business? Oh, let's be all scammy and horrific. That'll SURELY encourage people to recommend us! Not to mention, today's specimens are from Tennessee, Pittsburgh and some town called Somerset. Well, THANKS. Those are convenient. In the meantime, my ex is a four-minute drive and WHICH DO YOU THINK I WILL CHOOSE WHEN THE NEXT ENNUI HITS, E FUCKING HARMONY?!!?
If you try to "log back on" and unsubscribe, they make you START ALL OVER, begin a profile and answer questions and redo just everything, which takes an hour, and there's nowhere to scroll down and say, Oh my GOD, just stop sending me EMAIL.
There's no section that reads Help, and the Contact Us is just a set of links you can click to read frequently asked questions, and of course none of those questions are HOW IN THE NAME OF FUCK do you get OFF THE EMAIL LIST.
Finally, I called. You know who I feel bad for in this world? People who have to answer these calls. People in India, who're just working for the weekend, or whatever people in India do for yucks.
First, they couldn't find me on there. Then they did and said, "No, it's fine. You're unsubscribed."
Okay, you're not listening to me. Yes, I am unsubscribed from being on eHarmony, but YOU KEEP SENDING ME EMAIL. Look, hoo care, right? It's not the end of the world. But now it's the PRINCIPAL of the thing. You can just harass me because you want to, and I can't stop it.
Finally, I got her to understand what I meant, and she said, "Oh, those emails, with your matches every day? Yeah, there's no way to stop those unless you go into your settings and--"
I don't HAVE settings. Because I'M NOT ON EHARMONY OH MY GOD SHOOT ME.
"Oh, right, well, then you just have to get them. You can't not get those emails till your subscription expires."
Next time you see that little imp of a man on TV touting eHarmony, I beg you to scream at him to chew a bag of dicks.