Hang on. I'm trying my refrigerator oats for the first time. ...Mmmmm. Okay, this is good.
Refridge oats: old-fashioned rolled oats, so, like, oats that think you shouldn't have sex till marriage. You know what I hate? When people write, "old-fashion" and don't add the "ed." Old-fashion lemonade! Oh, fuck off.
Anyway, you take a Mason jar, because everything we do these days involves taking a Mason jar, and add the oats, Greek yogurt (the yogurt of FR Fay's people) skim milk, and then it devolves based on what else you put in there. Did I just use devolve correctly?
Anyway, in my case, I put in cocoa and bananas. Seven points.
This week I lost no weight. And in fact, this would NOT be the time to mention the Hardee's nachos. I just heard 43,000 people saying, "You had Hardee's nachos?" Because 43,000 people are reading me RIGHT NOW.
So, I've been hanging around Ned some, and I KNOW. Shut up. No, really, shut up. We have no idea what we're doing. We started doing stuff once Tallulah died, and it went from, like, every few days to now every day. Did I mention we have no idea what we're doing? Anyway, I went to his house to help him paint his dining room table, and maybe this was all a ruse to get me to do that. Let's see. If I act nice about her dead dog, maybe three weekends from now I can get her painting that table.
Above please find the pretty tree from Ned's also my, fmr., yard. I forgot how pretty it is there in the spring. I mean, I only lived there one spring so whaddaya want from me. But our gaylord really set the flowers up beautifully so something's always blooming.
God, I'm full already and I'm not out of refridge oats yet. Is it okay to give the rest to Karl? I've been calling Edsel Karl just to bug him today. I just woke up and said to him, "Today, I shall call you Karl." And every time I look at him and talk to him while calling him Karl, he's all,
Although just now he was looking out the back door and I said, Hey, Karl, and he turned around and came back to me. So. Adjustment. Made.
Dear FR Paula: Yes, I see that clump of cat hair in front of Edsel.
Anyway, you're all, all 43,000 of you, screaming at me not to give Karl the cocoa oats.
I feel like there's this general consensus that I don't fucking know anything. Why is that? Is it how I live alone and pay my bills, do fairly well at work and have actual readers and friends and so on? Is that what makes me seem incompetent? Or does everyone on earth get treated that way? Like, do people say to you, You should really remember to breathe, or, You should remember to give birth to that baby or other obvious things?
Maybe people think that if I joke around about stuff, like the other day when I said 14 kids, one went to camp, 12 kids left, that that's legit and I really don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my ass.
OH MY GOD ANYWAY SO I WAS AT NED'S, which I hope means you'll give me tons and tons of advice and also your opinion on, and by the way we sort of ruined that table.
Here is how it was, and we painted it but it looks all brushy now and so on. We have to redo. And by "we" I mean Ned. Anyway, I was looking for gravel from the driveway, to hold down the newspapers under the table, and I walked past Ned's camellia bush that
NO NO NO, the BUSH with FLOWERS on it.
Last year, there was string in that bush. A bird had started making a nest then said forget it. Which if you ask me, makes sense, because camellia bushes aren't that tall. So I looked at that bush again
I looked at it again this year to see if maybe a nest had been built and I LOOKED A MOTHER ROBIN RIGHT IN THE EYE! OH MY GOD!!!!
Naturally I screamed back to the porch to get my phone, although I did sort of a mince scream till I was far from the robin, and the newspapers were blowing all hither and yon, hoo care, and when I got back, she was gone, and I hope I didn't make her abandon her nest. I wish I could have captured her look when we were RIGHT AT EACH OTHER'S FACE LEVEL. If you've never seen an annoyed robin before, you can't know. Oh, she was irked. It was a lot like this.
Now, imagine me with a beak, in a nest. There you go.
Also, I was walking in the park here this weekend, the park that's all up in the Revolutionary War, where they celebrate Mr. Greensboro and so on, and I saw FIVE DEER walking together in a gang. I heard a rustle and there was one, and then slowly there were one two three four more who appeared. They paused and flicked their ears at me, then one by one walked across the path I was on, like, fuck ya, old lady. deer not afrayed.
Incidentally I am now mom to five deer. They live in the yard, with Karl.
All right, I have to go. I also went to see an '80s band with the Alexes, and it was fun, but I have to head to the salt mines. My boss, Lot's Wife, hates it when I'm late.
Does anyone have time today to count how many Lot's Wife jokes I've made though the years? The winner gets this offensive t-shirt.
Talk to you soon. On a granular level.