Last night, I got my formidable roots done, and also, we've hired a very cute woman at work who's adorable, with purple roots and then long-ish lavender hair.
Everyone at work wants to be her all of a sudden.
"Remember I've been saying I wanted to get a color like that?" the Alex who sits next to me said. The one with the new dog, thanks to you guys. She HAS been saying that, and she currently sports the ombré hair, with the blonde at the bottom and darker at the top, and it looks fabulous.
"I just asked HR if it's okay for me to have pink hair," Slutty Pancakes from two floors up emailed me. "They said, 'Sounds cute.'"
Every once in awhile, someone comes in and sparks a revolution.
So, I mentioned to New Dog Alex that I had to leave for my hair appointment, and she said, "Why don't you get rose gold hair?" She's very hip, New Dog Alex is, so I take her every utterance very seriously, because deep, over here. Deep June. There's Gandhi, whose hair never looked good, and then there's June. If you're looking for a depth scale.
"Rose gold hair?" I asked, piqued as piqued could be.
"Oooo!" I said, Google fucking it.
"It'd look good," New Dog Alex said, and have I mentioned I hang on her every fashion word?
"What'dya think of rose gold hair?" I asked my old boss. He paused. "You'd look like an iPhone," he said.
And that is when I commenced ignoring my old boss.
I started imagining myself with the rose gold hair. I could see me gleaming rosily as the morning sun shone on it. I could see me shaking my gold locks, but not breaking them.
I could see my big wide hair looking pink.
"If I got rose gold hair, would I look like Bozo?" I asked Bitchy Resting Face Alex.
"Possibly," she said, and for your information, we are all freezing out BRF Alex. No one play with BRF Alex.
I texted my hairdresser. "Get out the rose gold!" I wrote. My hairdresser is 100% over me. She did not answer.
I screamed home and let Lottie out of puppy jail. Seven weeks ago when I got my formidable roots done, I took her with me, and she was such a teensy thing that she mostly just slept on my lap.
And tugged on my hairdresser robe. We should have known then she'd be World's Dickiest Puppy. She's behind me right now, having found an old hoof from the yard that my other dogs haven't played with since 1999. She's a regular archeologist, finding things my regularly scheduled normal dogs have discarded.
It's a sad day when Edsel starts being the "normal dogs."
Anyway, seven weeks ago I took her with me to the hairdresser and she mostly slept, but I knew if I brought her this time it's be like a Pterodactyl had come to the salon, so I got a puppy-sitter. Yes. I know.
The point is, as I was screaming home, I called my mother. My Aunt Kathy and cousin Katie were there, as well. I asked my mother, "If I get rose gold hair, would I look like Bozo?"
"Possibly," said my mother.
"Put Katie on."
"Possibly," said Katie.
I am a lone wolf. A rebel with no need for family. Or friends. Or coworkers. It's just me and the road. And by "the road," I mean the three miles to the salon.
When I got to the hairdresser, she stood up, ready for battle. "I got out the rose gold, June," she said.
"SQUEEEEEEE!!!" I said, ready for pink sunset hair. I would literally be down at the sunset grill every day. I would be June, bringing the roses, like that sheet music one of you sent me.
"I gotta tell you something, though," she said, sitting down. "First of all, I have only one tube, which would not be enough for your hair."
"Also, these fashion colors don't last," she said. "They cost 70 dollars to put on, and they're gone in one or two weeks."
I heard my money manager, Kaye, fainting off in the distance.
"So you don't think I should do it," I said. Oh, I was crestfallen. I was so looking forward to being rosy and goldie. I'd be Goldie Hawn. Like, if she went through a bloated, wide-hair stage.
My hairdresser looked at my crestfallen face. She knows I'm nearly 51, nearly at the end. My life, like my hair, is sunsetting. "I tell you what," she said. "Lemme get some more tubes and I'll do it next time, and I won't charge you the full amount," she said.
AND THAT IS WHY WE HAVE ONLY 7 WEEKS TILL JUNE HAS
"Hey, does your puppy always dog paddle in the water bowl?" the dog-sitter texted me.
And that is when I lost my rose-gold glow.