Yesterday on Facebook, I asked everyone how many of their Facebook friends had been...friends, IfYouKnowWhatI'mSayin'. How many have you KNOWN. In THAT way. Hashtag nudge.
Every once in awhile, I'm reminded of something Ned said to me when we were first dating, and out drinking on a Tuesday night. "This is as mature as we get," he said. "We don't turn into British bankers when we're 50 or anything."
He was right about that.
Anyway, I had the highest number out of anyone I asked, which, hello, Trampy. But maybe it just means I'm gregarious.
Lottie just came in with another rock. She has the unfortunate habit of getting a big rock and bringing it to her lair to chew. She has 75 million toys of every texture possible. But they're no rocks.
"We took Lottie's rock and replaced it with Blu. Let's see what happens."
She got her head bitten off. That's what happened. Look at Edsel's elbow of possession.
That chair is a goner. I have to get it recovered. I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO DO AT THIS HOUSE THAT I CANNOT AFFORD. Hashtag Chinese delivery. That's only funny if you read yesterday's post.
Anyway, I listed how many people I'm Facebook friends with with whom I've also slept, and what I wish I could do now is download each of their many many many pictures
and give you a little rundown on them. Oh, THIS one seemed like he'd be a dud, but he was FABULOUS. That sort of thing. This one was a little lacking in charm, if you catch my drift.
I feel like maybe I'd be sued. Or at least glared at. By my exes. And mom.
Ned and I broke up nine months ago and I've kissed one person two times. THAT'S IT. That's ALL my action. In nine months. Except for the occasional forbidden tryst with Ned, which doesn't count.
Hate. Hate everything.
Oooo, but I got a new mirror! So I can watch myself wither.
A faithful reader sent me an Amazon certificate, I forget why. Because I got Lottie? Because Talu died? Because I'm so riveting? Who can recall. The point is, my current mirror's light was dying, which is a euphemism for my whole life. So with that certificate, I got more of my Deva Curl conditioner--and shut up about the appropriateness of the name--and a mirror that magnifies 10 times.
Oh, HELL yeah! The tiniest details!
Because I needed to me more self-absorbed.
Why can't June meet a man? Well, she's staring at her pores 12 hours a day, for one thing.
The next man who gets involved with me has the reassurance that EACH PORE has been attended to, over here. So. That's no small thing. Especially with THESE pores.
I guess I'd better get in the shower and go to work like a normal person. A normal person whose face was magnified 10 times all morning. If you could magnify anything 10 times, what would it be? I guess I'd magnify my action. Actshun. I'd magnify my youth.
I'd magnify Lottie's energy. Aw, HELL, no, I would not. They just tore past here in a blur. They tear around the house and then BOOM out the door and then BOOM back in the door and around the house again and what it is here is relaxing.
Last night I was in bed scrolling through my phone, when I realized Iris had her spine pressed on me.
Then I took pictures of the other creatures in and around my bed.
Okay, I'll see you later. I'll see you magnified 10 times. Is that magnified 10 times or are you just happy to see me?