Now, THIS is a Christmas mug. I've forgotten to assault you with images of my Xmas cups this year, and for that your life is sad, I know.
I also forgot to close the door to Steely Dan's feeding area this morning, and Edsel is now the proud owner of dog kibble and canned kitten food. He is now outside so he can have gas merrily across the yard.
Look at my work Christmas party nail polish, going strong, up there! Day 16. If you're not getting gel polish, you're not really living.
Insights, From June.
I feel like I'm never really invited to Christmas parties. People go on about what a busy time of year this is, and every year, I'm kind of, eh. Not really much to do. Do you think it's possible that people don't like me that much? I mean, I AM kind of crabby and so on, but I was thinking that was endearing. I'm like Griff, but a girl. I'll bet my coworker Griff gets invited just everywhere and he doesn't give two shits.
I saw on Facebook that The Naughty Professor had what looked to be a beautifully turned out (turnt) Xmas party at his new home in Charlotte, and me? Not so invited.
Do you feel that way or am I just sort of repugnant?
Actually, in the same vein, there's a guy at work I'm pretty good friends with. I mean, in that work sort of way, where we stop off and talk to each other several times a week, for a good five minutes at a time. He mentioned his birthday party, and then was all, "Sorry I didn't ask you to it."
That was just yesterday, he said that. Why am I a pariah, do you think? I mean, I really do wonder. Wouldn't I bring hilarity to any gathering?
A lot of the younger people at work have get-togethers that I also see on social media, and I don't feel that bad about it, because young. Do I really want to go clubbing or huffing or whatever the young folk do now? I do not.
By the same token, I never did get my colonoscopy last year. Ned and I had a deal where we'd take each other to said colonoscopy, and now of course that's out of the question. I mean, can you Uber a ride home from a colonoscopy?
I guess I feel sort of sad today, and I know I'm not friendless but I still feel sort of sad. This means you're almost guaranteed to see a mean comment today! Any time I ever express any sort of vulnerability, someone is mean. It's a fascinating phenomenon that I'm prepared for and indifferent to.
In other news, last night I came home from work, after our department's Christmas party (I wonder if they tried to figure out how to not invite me to that?),
and when I reached in my mailbox, there were not only 60 thousand Xmas cards, but also a wallet.
A wallet. My theory is my lawn guy found it and put it there.
It's a Christmas miracle! Oddly, this is the second soaking-wet wallet I've found at my house in less than a year. A few months back, I found one in the front yard that belonged to my neighbor. I made Facebook friends with her in order to get in touch with her that day, and now it would appear from her posts that she's going through a bad breakup. Maybe there's something in our water system.
Anyway, this wallet was a Coach, and had no license or money, of course, but there were a lot of things in it and I was able to find a business card of the owner. This poor woman had been Christmas shopping, and she thinks maybe her wallet just fell out of her bag that day. Someone spent $1,800 before she figured out her wallet was gone.
The good news for me is, no thief would find $1,800 of anything in my wallet, unless they were smart enough to run to the vet and use that card. "Eighteen hundred dollars worth of rabies shots! My dog is golden!"
I hear old Breakfast of Champions out there barking. He's probably telling all the other dogs about the delicious turkey kitten food he scarfed today. Asshole.
So, the good news is, the Woman With no Wallet was thrilled to get it back, and she said I made her day, so that was nice. There's one of my good deeds this year. I also went inside the grocery store's ATM the other day to get cash for a woman who was outside asking for money, but when I went out there, she was gone.
Look, I know she was probably going to buy drugs with it. It's Christmas. How to you think it was Joseph forgot to book a room? Maryjane, that's how. It's the spirit of the season.
I like how in my mind, she was off to buy the pot. Could I be more white?
I gotta go. It's almost Christmas, and you know what a hustle-bustle time of year that is.
P.S. I let Edsel in because barking, and went back to writing you, and I JUST HEARD HIM back in the kitten room, eating the rest of the food. Goddammit.