I just let Edsel in from the rainy morning, and I watched as he avoided both--both!!--mud-trapping rugs I have laid out in the back room.
Dogs. they're a pleasure.
You know, I don't understand him. I can tell that he's bored, although he wrestles with Steely Dan a little. But he and Lottie would run run run run run around the back yard in a circle all morning while I blogged. I'd hear them stomp across the deck over and over. How can he not miss that? I think he does. I still can't think about The Incident with Lottie without getting really upset. It was so terrible.
And he LOVED Tallulah. Loved! She was his whole life, other than me and Blu. Why doesn't he want a second dog? WHY? Now he just follows me around and sleeps all the time.
I took this really fast, Steely Dan coming up here as he does every morning to cover up my offending coffee. He turns in his op-ed piece every day.
It's been awhile since I've said this to you all: Every day. Not always one word. You use the adjective "everyday" when you're describing a not-special event. You use every day to mean you do something daily. Here we go again:
I wear my everyday clothes every day.
I have harped on this numerous times. But I still read things like, "I read June everyday." Which is of course never true. No one abhors him or herself that much. But the everyday/every day. It is my thing, man. It is my one mission in life to get this straight in people's minds. I realize maybe I could have loftier goals.
I was talking to someone just last night, and I told him the thing I hate more than anything are emoticons. If you can't get your point across with words, if you are a middle-aged person who has to resort to smiley faces, there is a problem. "It's the worst trait a person could have," I said.
"Really? Not racism?" Mr. Earnest said. Whatever, dude. No one is ever going to like you, Earnestine.
Oh my god I just remembered something. I had a dream last night that I was superintendent of schools somewhere, which is extremely likely, and I sent out an email saying we were starting a program so that kids could have free breakfast and lunch every day (not everyday).
Some woman came up to me and told me she hated that program and my liberal agenda. And I punched her right in the mouth.
This is why I'd make a terrible superintendent of schools.
I think I dreamed that because--and I realize some of you voted for him and this will annoy you--I keep feeling like it's as though they elected me president. I mean, I'm impulsive and immature and I certainly wouldn't be above shooting off high school–level insults on social media without any forethought. But the thing is, I'm aware of these flaws and how bad of a, you know, president I'd be. I don't have the fortitude.
I don't know. I'm kind of nervous about the new president. And I'm never one to HATE the other side. You know how I feel about that. I detest that shit. It's insane to think all your beliefs have to be the right ones and there's no possibility that you're wrong.
But this feels different. This feels out of control.
In happier news, I went to a woman's thing last night. I don't mean I visited The Great Vagina or something, and is that a thing? "Oh, you were in Greensboro? Did you catch The Great Vagina? It's over by the Y."
Anyway, no. It was a big get-together that my coworker Slutty Pancakes put together, where women come and kibitz and network and so on. That is why my name tag is so hilarious. Cause it was a Great Vagina get-together.
And of course The Thing happened to me. I've told you about this, how I'm drawn to charismatic women and the friendships never work out? One woman walked in, and I made eye contact with her the second she was there. She saw my name tag and threw back her head and laughed.
I loved her right away.
But see how healthy June is? I recognized it, and of course I have no idea if the friendship wouldn't work. But I knew The Pull, and capitalizing needlessly is a big thing with me today. So the point is, I did not pursue. My theory is, if I'm drawn to anyone right now, it's for the wrong reasons.
Same with men. If I meet a man and he starts to do The Thing (C.N.®), and for me The Thing is he seems really great at first but quickly becomes unavailable, I plan to recognize it. Because that is M'Pattern (C.N.®).
And by that, I mean he emails me or he calls or he texts, and yay, we meet and it goes well? Then a month in he'll start not contacting me the whole day, or we're three months in and we're still seeing each other once a week or something? Gone.
When men do that, I get all intrigued and smitten and OH I'M GONNA WIN HIM OVER.
Three months into my relationship with Ned, we were sleeping together, and I asked if he wanted to be exclusive and he said no.
I should have ended it then. I should never have slept with someone before exclusivity.
Six months in, we were still seeing each other once a week. And he was still going to this half-price wine night every Wednesday, which is frankly a huge pickup event. I was never invited along.
Five years later, here I am, still getting over him. The other day I made a list of how all my relationships went, and while some were okay and normal, I had a lot of "He seemed really great and attentive, and then he wouldn't be."
I mean, maybe that's cause I'm a giant unlovable pain in the ass, which I just wrote as pan in the ass and maybe I'm that, too, but if you think that's what I am, we shouldn't be dating.
Insights, by June.
I gotta go. My hair is wet and I'm texting Hulk and writing you at the same time, so.
He's so compelling. Kidding.