I'm living on the idea that you're regularly consulting your June's Calendar of Events, and therefore you are completely aware that all month, I've been staying at Kaye's house, and Kaye has, in fact, not been here. Unless you think all this month she's just been really quiet and unobtrusive. In her own home.
But Sunday night she returned. It was the Return of the Kaye, if you will, and we spent several hours catching up on everything. "You and Ned still broken up?" "Yes." "You sleeping with anyone new?" "No."
Somehow we made that conversation last three hours. As girls do.
Before she got here, I got her new toilet paper, a bottle of wine, some flowers and a whole freezer full of fish sticks. Girlfriend and I have a fish sticks bond. She ate some while we talked last night. "I've gained weight since I went out of town," she groused, gesturing with a fish stick. "I really am trying to do better."
"You wanna do Tracy Anderson with me?" I asked, brightening. "I've been trying to do her every night!"
"Okay," she said, and we made a plan to get together tonight (in your June's Calendar of Events, please note I'm blogging at night for the next 21 days--so I'm writing this Monday night--and meditating in the morning, with Oprah and Deepak) (because I'm deep. Ak.).
When I burst in today, I shouted into the house, and guess who's delighted I'm here, "YOU READY TO DO SOME TRACY!?!"
"YEAH!" screamed Kaye from her room, strapping on her sports bra.
Here's how the next 50 minutes went for Kaye.
Kaye: Here we go!
Kaye: Oh, wow, is she...? Okay. Wow.
Kaye: All the things hurt. All the things.
Kaye: She can't...seriously? She can't be serious.
Kaye: FUCK YOU, TRACY ANDERSON.
Kaye: I let you stay in my house, and this is what you DO to me? FUCK YOU, JUNE GARDENS.
Kaye: I'm never doing that again.
So I feel like that went well. I feel like Kaye has become a real Tracy fan, and will likely be flying to LA for some personal Tracy training soon.
While we're up...
June's Coworkers' Senior Picture Poses
TinaDoris gave us the posing-at-prom kind of a look, and really, why are high school poses so ludicrous? Who decided, hey you're in high school, you must do all sorts of unnatural things for the camera. Get down on one knee.
And yes, I am aware TinaDoris had a baby three months ago. I am aware she's back to being thinner than me. In fact, I'd wager her entire pregnancy she remained thinner than me. I wish you could see me now, frowning and clasping my hands in front of me.
Also, somehow at work we got on the topic of your favorite smells. What's the best smell in the world to you? Have we discussed this before? If so, we'll discuss it again. We may have discussed it back in Old School Bye Bye Pie days, with Matze and Siren and Juice. Now we'll discuss it again with PSS and Megsie.
Sometimes I'll look back on old posts and see a commenter name I used to see all the time, and it'll be, like, where'd that person run off to? What happened? We need an investigative journalist to find out for us. Then every once in awhile an old commenter will come back, and we'll all scream, "STEVE'S WIFE BETH!" and they disappear again.
Commenter relations are a funny thing. Not as funny as Kaye trying to muddle through Tracy Anderson, but still.
Oh, the point is, I love the smell of right before it's gonna rain.
Vick's Vapo-Rub. LOVE that smell.
Tallulah. I know I shouldn't, but oh, I love her houndy smell. Edsel never has a smell. I mean, I'm sure he does cause he's a dog, but not the way Lu is all, Lu in ruum. Can you smell what the Lu be cookin'?
When you're still in bed, but you can smell someone made coffee.
Patchouli. I know people feel strongly about it, but it reminds me of boys I dated in college. It makes me think of beer-soaked sex on mattresses that were on the floor. Remember when that was perfectly acceptable, the man with a mattress right on the floor?
So, tell me yours. In the meantime, Ima go online and get a big Tracy Anderson poster for Kaye.
Fuck you, June Gardens-ly,